If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that Ryan Seacrest isn’t just a guy who poops. He’s a man who SHITS. And according to a story he told on a podcast this week, he’s not afraid of dropping a couple of dumpster dookies in the toilet at his mate’s place – even if the mate in question is our lord and saviour Kris Jenner.
Seacrest, you absolute madman.
He revealed this hilarious story when he joined his former co-host Kelly Ripa on her podcast Let’s Talk Off Camera, per Page Six. Kelly begged him to tell the story after she first heard him spinning the yarn in 2019 when they were co-hosts of their talk show Live With Kelly and Ryan.
Kelly knows content and this is content, baby!
On the pod, Ryan explained that he was chilling at Kris Jenner’s house with Kris and the gals, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney Kardashian were there. It was then that his stomach made a familiar rumble, and his butthole said, ‘It’s time to give birth’. I’m paraphrasing, obviously.
“I was in the powder room, the toilet was contemporary, and it’s an all-black toilet,” he began.
“There are cameras in the house I was in. I think I know where they are, I don’t think they’re in the bathroom but it is in your head.
“So I was there, and I rushed over and did what I needed to do, and found that toilet paper was put where it needed to be put and the water level began to rise, and I clogged the toilet. But I don’t think it overflowed, but it got up to the seat level.
“I panicked, I sweat a little, then it began to settle down, but I quickly got out,” he explained before Kelly prompted him to say how he yeeted his literal shit out of the luxe black porcelain throne.
“You had to retrieve what you put in there out of there?” she said, succinctly.
Ryan explained that he used the toilet ring cleaner to scoop out his poop. But the real mystery is, where did he put it? Did he gently place it in the sanitary bin? Or chuck it out the window like in Colin From Accounts? I need to know.
Either way, I think this is how Kris probably reacted when she found her gorgeous toilet was almost ruined by Ryan’s dump.
But as Kelly says in the episode, it’s a scenario that happens to everyone at least once in their lives. So, as a prepared queen, I’d like the solutions.
Regardless, I truly admire the gusto. Although Kris and Ryan go way back – he was a producer on Keeping Up With The Kardashians – I still think taking a big ole’ dump at her place is ballsy.
Sometimes if I need to shit at work, I’ll tell my team I’m going for coffee and go to the nearest train station before performing an expert-level gone-in-60-seconds. The poopxiety is incredibly real.
Maybe Ryan’s antics are the perfect example of what it’s like to live without anxiety? Should I bring this up with my therapist? Something to think about.