Ranking All Of The 2019 Kardashian Khristmas Gifts From Least To Most Kooked

As Christmas dawns in the United States, we can begin to tally the most thoughtful gifts and egregious excesses of the Kardashian family. The gang has already lavished itself with all manner of luxurious gear, which is great news for them, and also for me: once again, I can work out some of my pent-up issues pertaining to Christmas through easily digestible list-based content.

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I should really talk through these thoughts instead of laying them on the PEDESTRIAN.TV audience, but, perhaps foolishly, I am the only person on the clock today.

So. Let’s fucking go:

Americares & The Trevor Project Donation
Sender: NBCUniversal
Recipient: Kourtney Kardashian

via @kourtneykardash / Instagram

The Kardashian family has more money than God. This is a recurring theme in today’s ranking, but it’s best to address it up-front to set the tone. For this reason, NBCUniversal’s donation to Americares and The Trevor Project, made in the name of Kourtney Kardashian, seems pretty nice.

NBCUniversal, which owns Keeping Up With The Kardashian‘s home network E!, probably pays the family the equivalent of the annual GDP of Uruguay. This means there’s no reason to lavish even more material wealth upon them. Instead, funds for Americares, a disaster relief organisation, and The Trevor Project, a crisis-intervention service for LGBTQIA+ youth, feels like a fitting way to make a small difference over Christmas.

Custom Christmas Cookies
Sender: Kylie Jenner
Recipients: Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Kris Jenner, etc.

via @krisjenner / Instagram
via @kimkardashian / Instagram

There’s precious little to critique about these custom cookies, sent from Kylie Jenner to her myriad of close family members. It’s thoughtful and unique, and I wouldn’t say no if I was offered a tiny, edible Kanye West. Points are only deducted here because Jenner and her daughter, Stormi, actually made a YouTube cooking tutorial in which they baked and decorated cookies themselves, and none of those truly bespoke creations got the whole cellophane-and-ribbon treatment.

Mickey Mouse dinner setting
Sender: Kris Jenner
Recipient: Kourtney Kardashian

via @kourtneykardash / Instagram

Fine china can be fucking expensive, but also quite impractical: a former housemate of mine inherited a behemoth collection of Royal Doulton china which we dutifully inspected, wrapped, and then left in the carport because we didn’t have space in the cupboard (nor enough friends to ever warrant a huge dinner party).

As the Kardashian family likely own a full percentage point of land in the continental US by now, none of them will ever face this problem. So, a set of Mickey Mouse-themed plates and mugs, likely for Kourtney Kardashian’s young ones, seems like a thoughtful everyday gift.

A visit from Poppy the Troll
Sender: Kylie Jenner:
Recipient: Stormi Jenner, Travis Scott


When I was a kid, my favourite cartoon was Budgie The Little Helicopter. It aired essentially just as I finished kindergarten each day, meaning I would wriggle and wrestle out of my parents’ grasp and charge home only to catch the closing credits. I loved it nonetheless, and my parents even respected my devotion by taking me on frequent trips the nearest training airport so I could see real choppers up close.

I maintain that helicopters are cool as fuck, but if a brightly-coloured Bell UH-1 Iriquois ever descended over my house on Christmas Day, Flight of the Valkyries ringing in my ears, I would probably assume it was the end of days. How Stormi Jenner, an obvious Trolls fan, reacted to seeing a giant version of Poppy in her own house without exploding into frantic tears is beyond me. Good for her, though.

Michael Jackson’s bedazzled jacket
Sender: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
Recipient: North West

via @kimkardashian / Instagram
via @kimkardashian / Instagram

Taking to Instagram, Kim Kardashian said she and Kanye West had won an auction for a jacket worn by pop star Michael Jackson during a night out with Elizabeth Taylor. The jacket itself is likely worthy of preservation as a pop-culture artifact, perhaps in an airtight glass box, next to a very lengthy sign with lots of context regarding Jackson’s life.

As a gift? A wearable gift? For a child? Kardashian explains:

We had it tacked up so [North] can wear it, and the sleeves are half tacked up, so when she gets older we can untack this sleeve and it can grow with her. And she can have this for her whole life. She is so grateful and so excited.

Alright then.

Giant, fully-featured playhouse which would go for $220p/w in Sydney
Sender: Kris Jenner
Recipient: Stormi Jenner

via Kylie Jenner / YouTube
via Kylie Jenner / YouTube

Babies don’t need their own real estate portfolios. Next.

Sender: Foodgod
Recipient: Foodgod

via @foodgod / Instagram

Okay, we’re done here.