THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO THE SOCCER* WORLD CUP FINALS
Introduction
The ‘idiot’ referred to in the title is me. I don’t know jack about the world game except for that Ricky Martin song that from here after you’ll have in your head, and that I like the look of long-limbed gents finessing a ball with their feet. Apologies in advance for this inevitably offensive breakdown of one of the world’s most beloved sports.
Rules: Players
Kick ball to and from your ten team mates wearing matching shirts with aim to direct ball into net with either feet or hands. Dramatic knee drops and crocodile tears may be unmanly – but they’re the unmanly tactics of victors. Something (that isn’t clear to me) can happen to make you ‘offside’ – ask an expert to advise. Don’t touch anything with hands – except maybe your hair.
Rules: Spectators
Make sound like an approaching swarm of flesh-hungry killer bees with plastic trumpet. Headbutt people who support other teams. Sing excellent songs such as the words “Harry… Harry Kewell” to the tune of “Daddy Cool”. Make your mum proud on national television by air-humping tv anchor woman:
Teams: The Netherlands
They are the favourites to win despite the fact that they can’t defend (I overheard someone at a cafe discussing this). They’re orange too. They are the one team you can always pick because of the orangeness. Plus, the only professional soccer player I’m down with – besides the ones who represent fragrances – is a dutch player named Ruud van Nistelrooy who I remember because he has long greasy hair that I find inexplicably sexy.
Teams: Germany
No one needs a reason to hate Germany because the entire country – even fifty years later – will always get blamed for Hitler. But Germany’s world cup coach, Joachim Löw, has provided unforgivable cause to hate Germany even more. WARNING: this is truly uncool.
It should be noted that the fine Youtube user that posted the video wrote: “apparently Germany’s coach got a secret source of energy!” Lolz.
Teams: Spain
Spain have never won the World Cup even though they are supposed to be one of the best footballing nations in the world so it would be very cool if they won. Plus they wear red the fastest of all colours and so they’re in with a fine chance. I like them best because of two people: their coach Vincente Del Bosque who reminds me of your grandad if your grandad is the head of an organised crime sydicate; and the player Carlos Poyol because he looks like a cross between Andre the Giant, the character Sloth from ‘The Goonies’ and your cousin Dan who’s totally ‘mad on the piss’.
Teams: Uruguay
Uruguay are generally considered the best looking team left in the comp – with their lovely light blue uniforms and naturally wavy hair. They are the team most likely to result in man-on-man pashing if they win.
There is also a sweet Serge Gainsbourg song called “SS Uruguay”.
Conclusion
I am idiot. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
*Any use of word soccer is interchangeable with the word football, depending on your origins or preference.
Title Image by Brendon Thorne via Getty
