Iron Chef, Seven’s heavily promoted Master Chef rival and Neil Perry/Guy Grossi/Guillaume Brahimi vehicle debuted last night amidst waves of oriental fanfare and three of the biggest names in Australian cooking. For the uninitiated, the premise mirrors the Japanese cooking show on which it is based. A local challenger competes with one of three “Iron Chefs” – Neil Perry (Australasian), Guy Grossi (Italian) or Guillaume Brahimi (French) – in a culinary battle which requires four separate dishes and the use of a “key ingredient” which must be used in the preparation of every course. Last night’s key ingredient was coconut which meant Thai inspired dishes of varying milkiness thanks to challenger Matt and Iron Chef, Neil Perry.
If you saw it or even if you didn’t – here are five reasons why Iron Chef Australia will, in all likelihood, fail to find an audience.
1) Iron Chef host Grant Denyer just might be the most unlikable dude on television. Turn down the smarm bro.
2) There’s no incentive to keep watching unless you’re in it purely for the cooking, which some of you may be. The revolving format means challengers change each week so there’s no emotional investment in anyone except the Iron Chefs – who only appear once every three weeks. It’s pretty much an hour long version of the last ten minutes of Ready, Steady, Cook but with higher production values and more shame at stake. In that regard, it won’t emulate the staying power of Master Chef which like any good reality TV show – is about people.
3) The chances that our Iron Chefs will lose is slim to none. Matt, last night’s tattooed challenger concocted a near perfect four course meal which garnered far more praise than Perry’s and received much less criticism. And yet Perry, who was criticized on numerous occasions and whose meal seemed slightly lackluster compared to the challenger who, no shit, used liquid nitrogen to freeze coconut juice, ended up winning for some unknown reason. Could be the editing “leading” an audience but it could also be the uncomfortable fact that the Iron Chefs’ have a lot at stake, with Perry going so far as to say losing is “unthinkable”. The judges know this. They also have existing relationships with the Chefs and zero relationships with the challengers. Who do you think they’ll favour? That expectation that the Iron Chef will always win completely eliminates any dramatic tension the show has and is kind of infuriating. This wouldn’t be a problem if they conducted blind taste tests blind, which they don’t, so hello cognitive bias!
4) Unlike the original Iron Chef, which built its following on hilarious dubs of the Japanese original, Iron Chef Australia is completely, deadly serious. It’s so earnest that when the show’s Chairman (former martial artist Mark Dacascos) flamboyantly unveils the hallowed key ingredient (think Zeus on methamphetamines crossed with an anthropomorphic Peakcock who just learned how to speak English) no one cracks a smile. C’mon dudes, that shit is funny. In fact, this show is completely, obnoxiously self-serious, except from the occasional food pun uttered by commentator and food writer Richard Cornish. They’re completely terrible by the way. The Japanese and Australian versions are Apples and Oranges to use my own terrible food pun. The former being brainless viewing for easily amused stoners and the latter, a legitimate prime time cooking show with zero elf-awareness. If they staked the popularity of the latter on the popularity of the former, it’s a gross oversight by the execs at Seven.
5) There’s only room for one beloved cooking show on Australian prime time. Sorry guys.
