You know what is always good news? I mean not good news for like, bank owners and people that… manage our money or whatever happens with banks (where is the money? Who has it? Is it fake and magical like ‘The Cloud’???), but good news for people who are bored at work and want to read about spicy things? SECRET TUNNEL NEWS.
Here’s today’s – the FBI is investigating a 50 metre tunnel running from a suburb in Miami toward a Chase Bank branch.
The tunnel was discovered originally by someone who was concerned about what looked like a pothole, and reported it to the Pembroke Pines Public Works Department.
The crew then realised it was not a pothole, but a fucking SNEKY SNEK TUNNEL.
The crew called the cops, who realised it was a bigger deal than they all thought and went “THIS IS A JOB FOR THE… FBI!” which is how I imagine everyone speaks when contacting the FBI.
Attempted bank burglary. 50 yard tunnel leads to Chase Bank branch at 390 S. Flamingo Road, Pembroke Pines, FL. Call FBI with information 754.703.2000. pic.twitter.com/nK0rZi8QTO
— FBI Miami (@FBIMiamiFL) January 30, 2019
The tunnel was only one metre wide, which gives me the heebie jeebie claustrophobies all the way from over here, in Australia. NO ONE GET IN ONE METRE WIDE TUNNELS, YOU MANIACS.
Even the big dawgs at the FBI were shocked at the tunnel’s cliche-ness.
“I’ve only seen something like this in the movies – and I’m not even sure I’ve seen this because it’s so small,” the FBI’s Michael Leverock said. “They could have been doing this for a month. This was not an overnight thing.”
All I have to say is, has anyone spoken to George Clooney and Brad Pitt to suss their whereabouts. Don’t try and tell me they didn’t pick up some tasty morsels of heist-learnings from that Ocean’s series.