Eight Things We’ve Learned From the Pentagon’s Zombie Survival Plan

By

Published

May 30, 2014

Next week we’ve got the IRL Shooter team running a Pedestrian Coach session on how to stage your own zombie apocalypse (or some other, less terrifying event). You may remember these guys from that time they took over an abandoned warehouse in Melbourne, gave a stack of people (laser) guns and told them to go to town on the hordes of ex-Neighbours zombies they’d set upon the nation. Well now they’re planning their next outbreak.

This time round, they’ve created another totally feasible scenario, upgraded their weapons and included a pain factor. They’re still a little way off their target of actually making Lazarus rise again, so hit their Pozible campaign if you wanna slay some zombie ass.

To prepare ourselves for the impending apocalypse, we took a look at the recently revealed zombie survival guide created by The Pentagon, aka CONPLAN 8888: COUNTER-ZOMBIE DOMINANCE. Here are our main takeaways:

1. Zombies are a threat
“Zombies are horribly dangerous to human life and zombie infections have the potential to seriously undermine national security and economic activities that sustain our way of life. Therefore having a population that is not composed of zombies or at risk from their malign influence is vital to U.S. and Allied national interests.” No shit.

Actual front page of actual document released by actual Pentagon

2. There are eight different classes of zombies

Pathogenic Zombies: lifeforms created after an organism is infected by a virus or bacteria.
Radiation Zombies: lifeforms created after an organism is infected by an extreme dosage of electromagnetic or particle radiation.
Evil Magic Zombies: when a member of the occult experiments and completely fucks things up.
Space Zombies: ZOMBIES FROM SPACE! Or something created by toxic contamination on Earth via some form of extra-terrestrial toxin.
Weaponized Zombies: Zombies deliberately created to be used as weapons. Kinda like how Ukraine has dolphins to do their bidding.
Symbiant-Induced Zombies: Organisms turned zombie via the introduction of a symbiant into an otherwise healthy host. Similar to the ear canal loving, parasitic slugs from Animorphs, Yeerks.
Vegetarian Zombies: Plant-eating zombies that pose no direct threat to humans. Apparently “no current examples of this zombie class have ever been captured or examined by scientists.”
Chicken Zombies: Included because chicken zombies ACTUALLY EXIST. According to the Pentagon, chicken zombies pose no threat to humankind and “are likely only to make people become vegetarians in protest to animal cruelty”.

3. Your best defence again zombie-ism is hand sanitizer
Due to all the ads proclaiming hand sanitizer “kills 99% of germs!”, they reckon it’s highly unlikely that the zombie germ is part of that 1%.

4. Aim for the head, then burn the body
We already knew that but it’s good to know the Pentagon are teaching their boys the same tactics Rick Grimes is teaching us.

5. Zombies cannot survive for longer than 40 days
Even though they state that “zombies are undead”, apparently they’re not..? As infected people are still technically human, they need food and water to survive, something zombies don’t reaaallly think about. They reckon it’ll take about 30 to 40 days until their organs shut down from dehydration and malnutrition.

6. Hawaii is the best place to be
Due to the fact that zombies cannot swim, float or operate aircraft, you’re going to want to surround yourself with as much water as possible.

7. Waiting for a mate is not an option
In order for the human race to survive in the event of a zombie outbreak, IHHs (Individual Healthy Humans) “must not be allowed to “go back for” family, friends, or other personnel who cannot get away from zombies quickly enough.” This is vital, people.

8. They’ve done their research
As science provides little useful information when it comes to zombie attacks, the plan references a wide range of sources including the books The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War, and Zombies Vs Unicorns, plus the highly-scientific game Plants Vs Zombies.

If you want to know how to stage your own zombie apocalypse and potentially put CONPLAN 8888 to the test, sign up to be coached by the IRL Shooter team.