Just Gonna Say It: Sex With Chad Groot Would Fix Me

chad groot guardians of the galaxy christmas special

Disney has finally released Marvel Studios’ Special Presentation: The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special, a 44-minute long Christmas movie with one of the longest titles ever. My only takeaway from the film? I would like to fuck chad Groot.

In case you didn’t know, Groot is the talking tree-like organism from the Guardians of the Galaxy films. He first appeared as a tall, lanky and unsexy tree man. Not very rootable at all, despite being literally covered in roots.

After he died (sorry for the spoilers but it’s been years now), a new Groot began to grow. This is basically his son.

We’ve seen this Groot as a baby (the cutest fkn character in any Marvel movie) and we’ve also seen shy emo phase teenager Groot. Now, Groot has evolved into a young adult, or as some call him, “swole Groot” or “chad Groot”.

In the words of director James Gunn, this hunk is “getting bigger, outward as well as upward.” Not to sound horny on main but that sentence turns me on more than it should. I crave the forbidden wood. There, I said it.

I’m going barking mad. Groot was never supposed to be this hot. His predecessor was some old, ugly tree man. Why does this version have such broad shoulders? Such defined pecs? Why does he look like he’d [REDACTED] the shit out of me and then cuddle me tenderly afterwards?

I know it’s a CGI tree man but you can’t look at me funny for finding him hot. What about every character from Sinbad (2003)? Were they not all crazy attractive? The main villain was literally the personification of chaos and yet I would risk my life for her.

Regardless, I am standing by my desire to sleep with the hot tree man. Knowing that he can elongate his roots at will has made me feral. Just a single night with him would honestly keep me satisfied for the rest of time.

I don’t want to read any kink-shaming in the comments from the vanilla-sex brigade. Your sex toys are made of plastic! They’re bad for the environment! I’m being eco-friendly here.

Save the forest. Ride a tree.

I’m off to delete the draft for my other story about Daddy Lorax before I concern all of my family and friends.

You can catch Marvel Studios’ Special Presentation: The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special on Disney+ now.