BACHIE RECAP: Oh God, Not A Couples Album Already


We’re back! And I don’t know about you, but I’m itching to find out what is going to happen with Jamie-Lee after last week’s debacle. It will be pretty unfair if she gets booted over what had to be theeeee most tepid drama in Bachelorette history. Some guy had a crush on her which she didn’t reciprocate? We are pulling at straws here, people.

Anyway, first up this ep we have Brooke taking newbie Millie on a secret date that involves them wearing every parka in the Bachelorette villa.

Date idea: we overheat in a car while drinking champers

They arrive at some warehouse and walk into budget Winter Wonderland.

Snow!? At this time of year? At this time of day? Localised entirely within your kitchen?

It’s cute but you just know all that fake snow smells like the ice rink after someone dropped hot chips in tomato sauce on the ice. IDK why, all fake ice has that specific smell. You know what I’m talking about.

Still, it’s a cute idea considering most dates last year consisted of the sisters dragging people down to supermarket cheese platters hidden under droopy trees. Brooke’s gotten the date upgrade.

They build some terrifying snowmen in the name of “fun” and not “trying to curse the entire city of Sydney with demons”.

oh god burn it to hell

Then they paint the wall for movie night! These producers know how to make their talent WORK for their bread. The movie is Grease, which – SHOCK! – is both Millie and Brooke’s fave film. I mean, is there a human being alive who hates Grease?

omg whaaaaa the movie we were all forced to watch 490 times in high school!?

Millie and Brooke have really good, easy-going chemistry together. Brooke seems the most relaxed she’s been in a long time – they seem to just work. I might have a new fave! 

She gets a rose and a pash! Then it’s time for the group date – it’s Mardi Gras themed, with two teams tasked with leaders who will direct and choreograph. What could possibly go wrong?

Well. Will’s team (he’s the one with the massive, sexual mo) might be led by Will by Jamie-Lee has Stage Mom written all over her and can’t help but dominate the entire thing. SAME, GIRL. Throwbacks to me domineering my year 6 talent night group and making everyone play a different Spice Girl even if they didn’t want to.


Meanwhile, Holly’s gotten a bit TOO keen on the choreography coz, you know, she’s an actual dancer. You can tell she’s tried hard to make it easy but we’re dealing with straight men here, people. Kurt looks like he might trip over and break his ankle while doing a gentle jazz hand.

Holly is a proper angel, though. She gives everyone in her team a one-on-one dance with Brooke because she knows they all want some quality time! THE SWEETEST.

First to do their float is the rainbow team – Will’s team, known now as Jamie-Lee’s team. Konrad and Brooke lead the parade and my god, Konrad is SERVING IT. He is bringing maximum Queen energy here. He tells us he’s done some drag before and it SHOWS. He has to win the one on one time, surely.

THE JOY in this man

Side note, who the fuck is this and why aren’t we being gifted with more gratuitous shots of his oiled-up, glittery rig? 

Sign me UP

Then it’s time for the silver and gold team, led by Holly. They actually pull the choreography off! I got a bit emotional hearing Holly talk about straight allies and how supported she felt by the guys in her team. This might be the most wholesome, heartwarming group date I’ve ever seen in Bachie history.

In the end there is no winning team because EVERYONE IS A WINNER and honestly, I’m into it. That whole date was the best ever. Everyone turns up to the cocktail party still in their chaotic Mardi Gras outfits, except for Brooke who struts in with the THIGH SPLIT TO END ALL THIGH SPLITS.

First, Brooke takes Holly for a chat. She ends up getting a rose, which results in what looks like a Sad Clown Convention:

this is too fucking good someone make this a meme

Sad Clown 2:

Also good

Jamie-Lee is having a Carissa-style meltdown over needing time with Brooke. She feels like she got lost in the Mardi Gras parade and is worried she’ll be going home.

Then – oh god. To convince Brooke she’s only here for her, Jamie-Lee has made a 10 Things I Hate About You-style FAMILY ALBUM.

Are you saying I am some kind of CRAZY PERSON!!!!

It’s mainly promotional pictures from their time on Honey Badger’s season but it is still DEEPLY CRINGE. I’m sure JL and Brooke feel it too, this was clearly a producer set up.

It “works” for Brooke and all is well. So we head off to the rose ceremony, which of course doesn’t see Jamie-Lee booted but instead two other sad clowns go home. Tatum and someone? I don’t know. I still don’t care about half of these people. As long as it’s not Konrad, Darvid (my magician bb’s), Jamie Lee or Holly I’m sweet.

Tomorrow night apparently Brooke’s picking the person for the LAST SINGLE DATE WHAT. Is this on speed 400 or something?

Melissa is a freelance writer and is actually on hols and pulling this recap together from Gunnedah. Shout out to The Courthouse Hotel and their free wifi! You can find her on Instagram and Twitter.