We’re in week two of Bachelor In Paradise friends, and things are ramping up. No, they’re not actually – after the chaos of week one with everyone screeching as they walked through that Door To Nowhere, things have chilled out a little in Paradise. Connections are being made, people are dry humping all over the joint. You know. Normal stuff.
Tonight saw a few new romances brew – Alisha and Jules went on a super cute chocolate-based date, Unhinged Brittney turned Sensible Brittney and made a connection with newbie Ivan The Avocado Betrayer, and Brooke/Alex finally went out together. As always, our Head of Editorial Josie and moi, Mel (Senior Style/Features Editor) are here to recap what went down.
MEL: Josie. Josie. Josie. All I want to do is jump ahead right now and discuss Bachie Bear or Bachie Pand, or whatever the FUCK that was. But I’ll wait patiently, I suppose. Let’s start at the beginning – we’re back in dreary “Paradise” and Brittney has… had a lobotomy?
JOSIE: I’m somewhat frightened by Sensible Brittney. It’s like that episode of the Nanny when Fran eats the wasabi and her voice goes all normal and not nasal. Sensible Brittney made me sad too because she was like “jokes aside guys I’m really lonely and it sucks”.
MEL: Oh god, I know. I really felt for Sensible Brittney. The thing is she’s absolutely batshit but clearly the woman is a… human being. And has feelings. That can get hurt, as anyones can. I was so happy when Ivan The Avocado Betrayer entered through the door-to-nowhere and seemed to have a thing for her! But also, I just don’t think you want to bring a tray of avocados with you and remind everyone that you committed crimes against the delicious fruit.
JOSIE: That was definitely a producer prop that he hurriedly discarded, because why would he ever want to be known for those blender-related crimes going forward. It was so cute seeing how excited she was about Ivan and then they went on that cute little date — which, because it wasn’t a proper set up date was just like champagne and a couch, which is actually way better than the heavily set up dates — and I was just willing him to like her. Because she definitely dipped her toe into Unhinged Brittney territory when the champs was flowing but MY GOD he was into it! CUTE!
MEL: I hope The Avocado Betrayer genuinely likes Unhinged-Sometimes-Sensible Brittney and wasn’t fucking faking it to get a rose. If he hurts her, I’ll throw an avocado at his head Egg Boy style. Also, is The Avocado Betrayer just one large bicep? He is VERY ripped.
He seems like a CrossFit person to me. Moving along – I was disturbed that Brooke and Brittney had 500 water bottles on their bedside tables but then I googled and apparently in many parts of Fiji you can’t drink the tap water. So that’s one mystery solved. Here’s another I am yet to figure out – do I like Nathan and Brooke as a vibe? I think they’re growing on me, that weird and sexual bedroom ass-slapping didn’t even put me off.
JOSIE: Yeah it was very relaxed and natural if not VERY early twenties behaviour. They definitely seem to have a vibe. Speaking of vibes, Brooke just lazing around in bed is my forever vibe.
Even their other interactions, the weird wrestling and like squatting-in-the-sludge-chats, showed that they’ve got a lot of chemistry, I reckon. More so that she has with the other people vying for her heart, Alexes American and Nation.
MEL: Absolutely agree. Side note – I think we need more information on Tom Hanks from Castaway, who casually drifted into the island’s shores to the dismay of the Bachies. That was… weird.
JOSIE: Sooo Alisha is really getting busy, which I low key love. This girl is making Paradise her bitch, she’s gone on 1200 dates. Her date with Jules was fairly gross, but as long as they had fun I am happy for them.
MEL: I don’t enjoy any sort of chocolate mess – let’s remember the debacle that was Richie and Alex’s chocolate bath – but they’re pretty damn cute together, and Jules reaction to her kissing him made me smile like a loon. She deserves a good egg after the rotten one that was Paddy, so I’m here for this love story.
JOSIE: Can we talk about the straddling though? This is the second date Alisha has been on where someone ends up on top of the other person.
They just cannot keep their bums on their seats, apparently!
MEL: Totally, why is everyone dry humping as their first kiss on this show?
JOSIE: It’s giving me some uncomfortable flashbacks to Year 10, let me tell you.
MEL: Here’s something I’m very here for – their extremely sexual waiter.
JOSIE: I know, where the fuck did the producers find a French guy?! Or was he just a Fijian waiter who is really good at accents?
MEL: He was like Salt Bae but sexier and less of a has-been. Petition for Sexy Waiter to be introduced to Paradise as a new dude. Also – petition to allow me to enter Paradise to jump on Sexy Waiter. Also included in petition – me getting a hall pass from my boyfriend.
JOSIE: This is a long three-part petition, but I will sign it.
MEL: Moving on to Alex and Bill‘s burgeoning romance – he’s shady, I’m not a fan. But more importantly, I CANNOT believe she dry humped him in front of Sweet Baby Angel 2019, Jimmy.
JOSIE: That was disgusting. I liked Alex last week but now I want to throw her directly into the sludge and pretend not to hear when she asks me to help her get out. The sludge can fucking have her, for all I care! No one does this to Jimmy and gets away with it.
MEL: NO ONE. I was so mad! I mean, if I were to play Devil’s Advocate a LITTLE bit I want to say that a) Alex has really not been sending the sexy vibes Jimmy’s way, and b) when Jimmy said “I feel like Im on this Cabo Spring Break hook up show”, I was a bit like…. dude, you are. But still. No one breaks Our Jimmy’s heart like that.
JOSIE: No she definitely wasn’t, but it was more like she never said she was keen on Bill to James, just saved herself the chat by mounting Bill in front of James’ eyeballs. I was mad at Bill too for breaking bro code, he can go into the sludge as well.
MEL: Bill constantly breaks bro code, Bill is a literal demon and I think he will take on his true form soon and everyone will realise it. I didn’t believe any of his shit about only being there for Alex, and being “all in”. To be fair, I don’t entirely think she’s buying it either.
JOSIE: Nah there is something SUPER shady about him. He is definitely this season’s Jake Ellis, a demon in a linen button-up. Can we talk about how everyone was suddenly slapped with a mackerel when Alex Nation chose Brooke to go on the date?
two WOMEN on a DATE what WORLD is this!!??!
MEL: Oh my giddy god’s trousers. Is it 1954? Are we all shocked that the two bisexual women who have openly said they are attracted to each other have decided to go on a date to explore that chemistry? What the fuck was with everyone gaping like codfish?
JOSIE: It was extremely lame. And then, even lamer, Paddy had to turn it into a RedTube situation and all like “ohohoho I’d like to see that!”. Why can’t two women just go on a date without it involving oil and massage and an image of Paddy pausing the telly to crank his disgusting hog? God, I hate that guy.
MEL: Right!? Honestly I could not with everyone’s Ye Olde attitude, it was so fucking awkward. Also awkward – the new spicy sexy lesbian music, replacing the old XXX sexy lesbian music. Good lord. Anyway, their date was weird. Why are we asking unskilled non-Fijians to use machetes to cut open coconuts? I’m amazed no one lost a hand.
JOSIE: Can I be brutally honest? I definitely feel like they are a bit forced. It’s one thing to tell us you’re really attracted to someone and for the others to scream “yeah they have amazing chemistry!” but as my creative writing teacher always used to say to us “Show, don’t tell”. I found their body language a bit awks and their whole conversation a bit stilted. Once they started pashing they loosened up a bit, but there were just so many kinda cringey bits of like forced hand-holding, etc.
MEL: AGREE – even after the pash, what the fuck was that weird mum hug? Brooke was like cradling Alex’s head against her breast like a toddler after a tantrum.
JOSIE: OMG yes! It was exactly how I would sit on the lounge and have a hug with mum as a kid! And then how they arrived back at the place pointedly holding hands but it didn’t look chill.
Look how STIFF her arm is!
MEL: Yeah, I have a suspicion they’re putting it on a bit. Or maybe they find each other hot but don’t have actual chemistry as people? Who knows, whatever the case – I’m not buying it.
JOSIE: Neither am I. And I really want to buy it because I think it’s rad to have some LGBTQI representation on a prime time show. But I want it to be real representation, not some stitch-up. Also why did everyone greet them when they came back from the date as if they’d been away for 6 months? It was like how everyone practically performed seppuku when Ivan arrived. Bloody calm down, everyone.
MEL: There was a lot of weird shit at that pre-rose-ceremony hangout. The leaping onto Alex and Brooke as though they went off to get engaged. Also, Nathan sidling up to Rachael after ignoring her for 40 years, and Rachael just being like “yeah fine he’ll do”. Which was actually a mood to be honest.
JOSIE: That was an incredible move. Nathan played that so bloody well, imo. She’s the last person who is going to take offence to a last minute “How you doin’?” What made me laugh was before the rose ceremony how Ivan figured out that if Brooke and Alex picked each other then FIVE guys would go home, and he tried to verify that with Osher who pulled the exact “yes I understand but I don’t” face that my Dad pulls when I try to explain podcasts to him.
MEL: Hahahaha. Osh was like the maths lady gif.
JOSIE: He could not do that brain genius maths at all. What was also hilarious was Paddy the massive slapped mackerel desperado trying to clutch at every straw he possibly could and everyone shutting him down.
MEL: Oh my godddd I died at his 40 proposals of marriage. DIED. That was some brilliant television, let me tell you. Ditto to Davey declaring his love for Shannon at the last second. When she said “I just can’t understand why you’d say I’m wife material before a rose ceremony” I was like…. honey….
JOSIE: Then she dramatically nearly died?
MEL: Josie why is everyone fainting on this show. Are we not feeding them enough.
JOSIE: They’re only eating strawberry daiquiris, this is the issue! I dead-set thought she was gonna hurl.
MEL: Same, and I kind of wish she did.
JOSIE: Remember when Michael dramatically had to go and collapse into the bushes last season? I need a man to faint tomorrow night Mel!
MEL: Agree, or for Michael Turnbull to return. Please? Anyway, we must talk about the most heartbreaking moment since Richie dropkicked Nikki’s heart into oblivion – Jimmy sidling out of Paradise with all the depressing sadness of Eeyore.
JOSIE: Oh my god, that was extremely hurtful to my heart. But I think it was the right thing to do, he was really very sad about everything. I do think there’s power to being like ‘Nup, bye’ and not standing there fainting / falling / crying / vomiting up a Blue Heaven cocktail into a bush when you don’t get picked at a rose ceremony. But I do NOT understand how that delightful man is still single. He has so much love to give!
MEL: We do need to discuss Bachie Bear/Bachie Pand/whatever the fuck he called that strange furry toy. Why – WHY – did the man bring a soft toy to gift his true love, should he find her in Paradise. Christ alive.
JOSIE: He’s almost… too pure? Like as much as I enjoy James I would not enjoy being given something he won out of the skill-tester at the movies. Alex’s face when he left her with it was just “when can I launch this into the sludge please”.
MEL: She is going to dig deep into the sludgey Earth and bury that cursed doll, immediately. Anyway, not sad to see Paddy go. A little sad to see Davey go.
JOSIE: I was sad to see Davey go too! But I have my suspicions he might come back. I could have SWORN I read Flo was going to Paradise and he fucken wouldn’t stop talking about her… I feel like it was producers setting a little situation up. Where, like, she comes in and BAM he comes back. Then – drama ensues. But I could be really reading into it too much.
MEL: Yeah look, he was there for 0.00002 seconds so it wouldn’t surprise me.