We’re back and it’s Bachelor In Paradise rose ceremony time! Who will go! It’s seeming pretty fucking obvious actually but we will still wait 1.5 hours to find out won’t we!!!

We start where we finished off last night – Littney having an emotional breakdown, and a very valid one. Guys, the woman has been put through the ringer this season – Jamie’s been gaslighting her, and when she finally found a guy she might like, not only has he also got eyes on Cass, but Niranga’s just asked her on a date to try and use her for a rose!

NO THANKS.

Renee consoles Litt in their room, before running over to let Niranga know what’s going on.

k but did we need to do this with a camera up my nostril

He goes over to Littney’s hut to have a chat, and folks, she does NOT hold back. She gives it to him – saying he’s just using her to try and get a rose at the last minute. Which is 1000% true.

you can see the frangipani wilting in shame

He seems to understand and goes off to find Cass. He tells her he’s now going to take her on a date – as mates. Since she’s said a million times they’re just mates.

Here’s the thing. Sure, maybe Cass is missing some potential with Niranga by firmly deciding he’s just her mate. But that’s also her prerogative. She is under no obligation to have feelings for this guy, or to do anything for this guy.

That’ll be important in a sec. First, let’s laugh at their terrified faces as they attempt fire twirling.

uh guys? I think there’s gasoline on my shirt, I-

I just don’t think fire twirling is ever a good idea for a date, unless you want to roast your significant other to death and have a cover for it.

Anyway, they sit down and Niranga “spills his feelings” for Cass, which I find, as Jamie would say, disingenuine but whatever. I do feel for Niranga here because he keeps getting sidelined, like Littney, but at the same time he’s now shitting me with these transparently fake declarations of love for the only two single women in Paradise.

Cass shuts him down – again – and then he turns into a grade A douche and starts calling her a princess, and saying he does all this stuff for her? So??? What???? Mate?????

As Cass says, she’s not picking at his personality – she’s just saying she doesn’t have a romantic interest in him. It’s pretty grot behaviour from the guy.

Like I understand the desperation to get a rose and stick around, sure – everyone’s here to get more airtime! But don’t vy for it by manipulating others.

Anyway! Serious time over! Back at the ranch, Littney is flirting with Jackson and just… can every episode feature drunk Littney flirting? It’s a sight to behold.

we don’t deserve her

Like truly, it’s something else in the best possible way.

honestly

Jackson seems to be a huge fan of her particular brand of weird, because they end up back in his room – MAKING OUT. In the morning, Litt’s like:

YES BRITT GET THAT BREAD AND BY BREAD I MEAN SEX

Honestly was there a dry eye in the house? Litt getting some love, finally? LOVE THIS FOR HER.

Next thing we know, Timm is walking back in – but while he’s happy to see Brittany, he’s fucking FROTHING when he realises Jackson is in Paradise.

brought together by a love for ugly hats

If we wanted to know if Bachie in Paradise was actually Bros In Paradise, the next moment seals it. Timm just grabs his new boys and hurries off to a table to hang. BYE BRITT.

Then!!! It gets worse!!! Jackson explains how he’s now seeing Littney, but when Matt explains his date with Renee, Timm cracks it.

how dare you date a woman my friend cheated on and rejected

Look, I kind of get it – as Timm says to Ciarran, Matt apparently stayed with Ciarran, etc etc. I suppose I’d be pissed if a good mate of mine started seeing one of my exes without telling me? But I also feel a bit gross inside – it all sounds VERY much like “don’t touch things I’ve touched”.

Regardless there is such intense bro energy coming off Ciarran and co.

Next, we get a montage of loved-up couples. Mary and Connor are so fucking cute I want to die.

I needed this love story

While Ciarran and Kiki are all sex, all the time. Which you know, good for them but also I wasn’t expecting to see an oiled ass over my chicken soup, you know?

right in front of my noodles

I am this duck, not just now, but at all times.

honestly, I think this might be my new phone background

The main talking point seems to be the Cass/Littney roses. Now, it’s Cass telling Mary she’s heard about the make out sesh Jackson had with Litt, and she’s decided that means he’s taken. Yes, because whenever I have a dirty drunk pash I am immediately that man’s girlfriend! That’s how it happens!

Mary scuttles over to ask Jackson if Littney is his girlfriend now. I shit you not. This is exactly like when I was in Year 6 and Patrick’s friend asked my friend who asked me if I’d go to the dance with him, then I panicked and said no, so my friend told his friend who told him, and then he took Tess.

Big mistake. Huge. I have NEVER GOTTEN OVER IT and yes I regularly try and find Patrick on Facebook, he doesn’t seem to exist so he’s either dead or, as I like to think, has entered witness protection.

Wow that was a huge zesty aside. Anyway, I’m sure you feel better for knowing my year 6 relationship issues. The point was, why doesn’t CASS just go talk to Jackson??? He’s not the Queen of England. Well, because as Cass says, she lets the guys come to her.

That sounds extremely modern independent woman and also like it will work well for you in a show where you have to grab men’s balls or someone will grab them instead. That’s how this show works, right? Taking names, grabbing balls.

Jackson is like, um obviously I am not WITH Littney we just had a pash and I like her. Mary relays this back to Cass, who has the brilliant solution of… just giving Jackson her rose!

bitch why don’t you be normal

Honestly. Mary is like “or you could talk to him???” but Cass is set on this brain genius decision to just fling her rose at a man she’s said two words to.

Next it’s time for Greg and Alisha to have a date! It’s in the bath! You guys know I hate the bath! There’s something extremely “that time I was 12 and had a bath in my swimmers for no good reason” about an outdoor bath in your togs.

But oh god, guys, that was like the most adorable and emotional thing I’ve ever witnessed? Who knew awkward body painting of your ~feelings~ could possibly make me cry? I’m not a monster after all!

Yep, the date is essentially Glenn and Alisha painting each other and assigning the colours to a feeling. I know it sounds like the most unhinged, fucking sadcase thing you’ve ever heard of but because Glenn is a BABY ANGEL FROM HEAVEN WHO IS IN TOUCH WITH HIS FEELINGS, the result is him treating Alisha like a queen, being honest with her, all that good stuff which she fucking deserves because she’s an 11/10 stone cold legend, and I’m just so happy for her I want to punch a soft toy.

I PUNCHED MY FAVOURITE SOFT TOY, SNOOPY

They both all but say they’re in love. It’s too much for me.

So it’s probably good that my heightened emotions are brought down several notches by Cass being a complete dickhead to Brittney. Get this – Britt’s said she likes Jackson. They’ve kissed. It’s on. Cass, seems to be mildly interested in Jackson, and can pick literally any other dude to give her rose to, but has decided the rose ceremony is the place where she is going to try and compete for Jackson’s attention.

I don’t know mate, why don’t you just pick Scot or whoever and start your Jackson Project tomorrow? Let Littney have this win? You know?

It’s fucking weird.

it is extremely normal for me to fixate entirely on Jackson

There’s also this super upsetting bit where Niranga and Jamie are crying, but the producers put comedy music behind it? But it doesn’t feel very funny? Anyway. That happens.

Back to Cass and Littney. Cass takes Britt aside for a chat, and asks her how she’d feel if she chose Jackson. Littney is like:

oh I see how it fucking is

She straight up tells Cass she has a connection with Jackson, and!!!! Apparently on the paddle boards that day, Cass even said she wouldn’t be giving Jackson her rose! Wild stuff.

Also I thought her earrings were Christmas wreaths, but they’re just palm trees. Upsetting development.

The best part of this exchange by far though was Mary sitting off to the side like this:

how am i here

It’s just…

who let this happen

Too good.

WHY MUST I ALSO EXPERIENCE THIS PAIN

I don’t even know why she’s there? But I also wouldn’t have it any other way?

The convo goes south REAL quick, and in the end Cass seems to think she’s a really nice person for just telling Brittney she’s gonna pick Jackson.

please i beg

In the end, Cass gets to go before Littney and she… picks Jackson. So Littney picks Scot, which leaves Jamie, Niranga and Moustachio going home.

Naturally, Jamie has to address everyone, giving a big speech about having built walls up over ten years, but how much he fell for Helena (wot) and how he wants to find something like Helena on the outside. Which is cute I guess, in his own weird way.

Cannot WAIT to see how this shit goes down between Littney and Cass next week.

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. You can find her posting sub-par thirst traps on Instagram and tweeting very sporadically on Twitter.