FKN FINALLY, Bachelor In Paradise is heating the hell up. This episode saw some quality champagne-throwing and even more quality name-forgetting (we’re still screaming over that btw and will never stop screaming until the end of time). As always, over here at Pedestrian.TV, Head of Editorial Josie and Senior Style Editor Mel have done a questionable recap / frenzied message conversation that’s batshit at best.
Enjoy m8s.
JOSIE: Firstly: tag yourself, I’m that dirty fucken bruise on Flo’s leg.
MEL: I’m Jarrod‘s descent into full-blown 3rd degree sunburn. Can we start with Flo and her fucking BEHAVIOUR. Mate. She is positively next level. There were the barbed lesbian comments about Megan, which like Flo – it’s 2018, if you haven’t heard of being queer then are you secretly my granddad.
JOSIE: Flo and Jake are atrocious in this episode. They’re so high school. “Why haven’t you talked to me” “WELL WHY HAVEN’T YOU TALKED TO MEEEEEE”.
MEL: SO high school. When Flo is bitching on to Tara/Sam and all “Why would I fucken want to chat to him” but then Jake says hi and Flo’s like “HEYYYY”? That is some Year 10, I’ve had too many Breezers and am ripe for some dumb decisions bullshit right there.
“It’s a hug babe. She’s like a mate”… #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/RPdX79o5Lw
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 3, 2018
JOSIE: To be honest, I hope they both drown in the picturesque waters of Fiji.
MEL: I for one am really hoping your murderous horses concept from the last recap is still something realistic that could happen. I can’t get over Jake and his fuckboy ways. He HAS to be playing them up? He’s a comical cardboard cutout of a man who just spews forth fuckboyisms at this point. Like how he told Megan “I’m not tied down” last ep, and then immediately went in for Flo when he returned.
JOSIE: Quick #FashionsOnTheFiji break – the floral hair accessories. They’re multiplying.
MEL: Oh god no. I saw Michael‘s gotten on board, and Ali. Can they nooooooot.
JOSIE: Also – Jarrod has a prison-style tatt on his arm. Further proving my theory that he’s a serial killer.
MEL: I KNOW. I am shocked. I wouldn’t have picked it. Also, it’s awful. But what would we expect.
JOSIE: My best mate Al is over tonight and said it’s like he was a good Christian boy and got a cross tattoo, then tried to to tough it up with the snake, then regretted it all and tried to remove it.
MEL: I’d believe it. I think you’re gonna get another enthusiastic nipple from Jake again today. He’s firmly on the deep-cut singlets again.
JOSIE: You know I hate that man’s nipples. Meanwhile, did Ali take a hat from Jake’s Polo Ralph Lauren collection? And does Michael own any clothes that fit his body? He is constantly bursting out of every shirt.
MEL: Michael only has two modes. Disintegrating singlet top, or extremely fitted shirts. He’s like a mesh between a 23 year old man who has just discovered his biceps and the guy on Strictly Ballroom.
JOSIE: Oh god – we must discuss Jarrod and Ali’s date immediately. Specifically, the bit where he said “this is like The Lion King” (!!!!)
MEL: Oh godddd yes. Like sorry Jarrod but you’re in Fiji, not Africa? He’s like those dudes who go to Bali and they’re like “lol love culture hey why is everything here BALINESE, can I get some Maccas?”
JOSIE: I pretty much choked on my Massaman curry at Jarrod’s sunburn. It is so bad. Already. He is the sweatiest, reddest man alive.
MEL: He really is. I was warming to him though, when he said how he wants to take it slow, he’s learnt from Sophie etc etc. But then…
JOSIE: He wraps up the date by saying “Nothing can destroy us?” Us = me and the woman I have known for 13 hours.
MEL: Yyyyep. Also as someone who has only eaten boiled rice today c/o her vicious food poisoning, I want to live vicariously so send me a photo of your Massaman, but also in a very real way fuck you for mentioning delicious curry in my presence.
JOSIE:
MEL: Fuuuuck me, that’s sexual.
JOSIE: Just huge chunks of BOIF.
MEL: Look I’ll give you this bc I know you love her, Keira is a vibe. Like she’s fucking annoying but at least she’s bringing le spice unlike Borza Nina and Lisa Hyde. I would really like Nina and Eden to be violently ripped apart by some newcomer. They are the most beige thing on this show. Also is Luke really just a cardboard cut-out and they’ve made it into a puppet? Honest q, because he always seems to be sitting down and relatively immobile except for his mouth.
JOSIE: I know, I’m living for Keira. Also ew – our first saucy bungalow bed shot and it was Blake and Laurina.
MEL: Rank, why has no one fulfilled our demands of Blake being placed in the nearest trash compactor?
JOSIE: I know. I’m outraged.
MEL: Blake and Jake = in the bin.
JOSIE: Can we talk about how every guy has basically cut their dick off and handed it to Ali?
MEL: Fully – Ali has been there for like an hour and she has a dick bouquet.
JOSIE: Dick bouquet – I’m screaming. Moving along – the conversation between Leah and Mack, where she was saying she wants to keep her options open, is literally every 80% drunk convo I had in my 20s with a guy I was “seeing” that I suddenly decided I didn’t want to see anymore.
MEL: The convo with Leah and Mack was me forever except I’m Mack and Leah’s every guy I’ve ever dated.
JOSIE: You know what killed me? The bartender, Wais. WEIGHING IN ON FLO AND TARA’S PROBLEMS.
Wais’ advice: the new self help column coming to a store near you. #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/vKjwIWc3dH
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 3, 2018
MEL: Omg the bartender – the real MVP. Someone fucking give a rose to the bartender, please god.
JOSIE: Meanwhile, Does Jake think he’s on Survivor? All this scheming and backstabbing. I can’t believe he pashed Megan and straight up lied to Flo’s face about it, saying they’re just MATES.
MEL: Jake sucks majorly but it’s almost hilarious how he’s scheming so hard. He’s gunning for biggest dickhead and he’s really succeeding, which is wild considering Blake is on this show.
JOSIE: How wild was Flo’s confrontation after she found out he HAD made out with Megan? FINALLY, SOMEONE IS THROWING CHAMPAGNE GLASSES AROUND. Also: “I’m okay, but seriously he’s a fuckwit” is the line of the season.
MEL: I only wish we saw a visual of this champagne hurl.
JOSIE: New observation – Mack frightens me.
MEL: He does have an element of scary about him.
JOSIE: Theory: he and Jarrod were serial killers together. Like a team.
MEL: Is it his intense stare? I think it’s his intense stare.
JOSIE: Hey, want to see how much sympathy I have for Flo in this episode?
MEL: LOL. Speaking of – that fucking rose ceremony.
JOSIE: Just quickly before we deep dive – Jake’s zesty festive shirt made me want to hurl.
MEL: Blake was on the zesty shirt bullshit too. I bet Blake and Jake were like “uhurhurhurrrr let’s wear party shirts bro”.
JOSIE: “Yeah bro you wear mine I’ll wear yours urhurrhurrr”
MEL: Absolutely the convo that went down.
JOSIE: But yes. That rose ceremony! And the lead up! When Jake said to Flo “You look gorgeous, that’s not helping” I was screaming. MAAAATE YOU USED THAT LINE ON MEGAN.
MEL: Omg I know like at least SLIGHTLY TWEAK THE LINE PAL.
JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Michael’s white Capri pants. That are as ill fitting as his tops.
MEL: I’m that stagnant puddle of rainwater– oh no wait that’s Eden and Nina.
JOSIE: Keira crying made my heart hurt.
MEL: Keira – me in the club bathroom at 3am to everyone else in the loo line.
JOSIE: Also was there a ‘buy one get one free’ special on just terrible boat shoes bc all the guys have them on?
MEL: ANYWAY. Rose ceremony – fuuuuck me.
JOSIE: I kept gasping, I honestly thought I was going to hyperventilate.
MEL: Mack picking Ali – that was fucking wild. Savage move, into it. Even if he might make a skin suit out of her later.
Mack, you’re a brave man #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/BCBR2HDlCP
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 3, 2018
JOSIE: THE SCHEMING BETWEEN JAKE AND MICHAEL.
MEL: The absolute best. Mate you gotta pick her, you gotta. Michael, still expressionless mind you, was sweating bullets.
JOSIE: BLAKE FORGETTING LAURINA’S NAME. FUCKKKKKKK. We were all screaming, even my boyfriend. Look how stressed he was:
My cats hid. HER FACE. I screamed the house down.
We haven’t met Lenora yet Blake, let us know what she’s like 😉 #BachelorInParadiseAU pic.twitter.com/LBln121CoO
— Bachelor In Paradise Australia (@BachParadiseAU) April 3, 2018
MEL: Omfg at all of it. The begging, the curve ball picks, the name-forgetting. What a wild ride. I have to say I was shocked Flo went. Surely someone who chucks alcohol at guys they’re mad at is primo producer gold?
JOSIE: Update: I still have this much sympathy for Flo.
MEL: It was so fucking savage though! Like, she picked Jake over Davey and then he just binned her! So easily!
JOSIE: Eh, she did this to herself.
MEL: Anyway I’m very keen for the Americans to come in. I have never watched the US Bachies but it looked like Nina was frothing a little on old shavey-head, maybe she will grow a personality and escape her stagnant puddle?
Enjoy this terrible excuse for a recap? Check out all our thoughts on the shitshow that was Ep 3 HERE.
