Aaaand we’re back at it again with the recaps of what’s fast becoming a godforsaken show, Bachelor In Paradise. I will tell you this for free, if someone doesn’t start screaming and throwing drinks in people’s faces soon I’m going to VERY upset about it. So far all that’s happened is a whole lot of “oh my gooourd” and questionable use of swimsuits as daywear.

But I digress! Let’s chat Bachie. Specifically let’s read P.TV’s Head of Editorial Josie and Senior Style Editor Mel‘s ramblings about Bachie, which are wine-soaked and full of couch-critique.

JOSIE: Can we start with my most hated contestant? I was already screaming at Flo before we’d made it 5 minutes in. All the complaining about the shit-storm she created with her own two hands.

MEL: Yep, she’s the biggest hypocrite on that island/bay/Fake Fiji It’s Actually The Goldie. Like you played Davey and Jake off each other, and yes Jake is the fucking wooooorst (see gif for reference to my tone here):

The biggest travesty of this show period was Davey being booted. Mainly bc we will never see a human being’s head explode on reality tv. And that is what I was watching for, Josie. His red, veiny head to explode. Side note – my TV at this place I’m housesitting at is one of those extremely hi-res situations and damn does Keira need to blend her foundation around her jawline. It’s also really highlighting everyone’s sunburn.

JOSIE: Speaking of Keira – is she my favourite of this series? I’ve got such an obsession. I almost choked on my couscous when she said she was TAKING MICHAEL on her one-on-one date. And when she was doing preparatory angel card readings? Fantastic.

MEL: To be fair Josie, you would love anyone doing angel card readings. But yes that Michael date was a wild curve-ball. You know what I can’t handle is public humiliation, and they reaaally zoomed in on Tara‘s. I was cringing so hard I now live inside the couch bye.

JOSIE: Back to Keira for a quick second – loved her outfit, why I am suddenly feeling everything Keira RN.

MEL: It was a great dress. Wait, no it was a jumpsuit! I remember because then I said I absolutely must embed this fantastic Vine-turned-gif.
Literally me every time I wear a jumpsuit tbh.

JOSIE: It was by Auguste. Julien (my boyfriend) was like ‘is that Spell babe?’ I have him trained pretty well on his cult Byron Bay labels.

MEL: Meanwhile the cats I am minding were not having any of this Michael/Keira shit. Look at this unimpressed face.

JOSIE: Same.

He’s literally looking at me like “Josie why are we watching this shit, grow up”.

MEL: Can we talk about Tara again, please – dear Tara, don’t try and make the frangipani hair accessories a thing. They’re not going to be a thing. And she got Flo onto it too. I can just imagine her saying to the makeup team “noooooo-WUH I want the FLOWER left IN”.

JOSIE: Tara’s got 3 middle names. Oh. M. And GAWD. Also how awkward that Tara’s attraction to Sam was literally just “he’s as terrible at life as me!”

MEL: Yeah she literally said, if I were to Cliff’s Notes it, “Sam’s a fuggo but he’s nice and a mess like me”. How romantic. How endearing. What great criteria for a relationship. That being said though I’m into Tara/Sam.

JOSIE: I’m into Sam drunk on the champagne. A real vibe.

MEL: Yeah Sam’s grown on me immensely in this show. Although he did commit the ultimate Mel-crime of wearing a baker boy cap. MY MOST HATED ITEM OF CLOTHING. Someone burn it. Hopefully he later stood too close to a fire torch and it roasted off his bonce.

JOSIE: Mel… the cap is hiding his hideous hair. It’s a blessed cap.

MEL: LIE. Ok so let’s talk intruder Jarrod.

JOSIE: I’ve been waiting for this all series.

MEL: Look, full disclosure never watched Sophie Monk’s season.

JOSIE: I know everyone called him a Stage 5 Clinger, but I want to like him. There’s just something off about him. Like, has he ever blinked in his life? He has serial killer vibes.

MEL: It’s because he has no eyebrows. This is like the Tom Tilley conspiracy. They have no eyebrows and therefore they look mildly creepy.

JOSIE: He fucking worked his way through the group, hey.  The girls are like “I LIKE LUKE! I WENT ON A DATE WITH BLAKE! LEAVE ME ALONE!” And anyone unattached is like “I’M DATING THE BARTENDER!” Could they only afford to hire one bartender for this show, by the way? These are the things that keep me up at night.

MEL: Seems like a lot of people to cater for. If I was him I’d complain to fair work.

JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Keira’s unimpressed horse.

MEL: I’m the zesty palm helmets.

JOSIE: Keira’s horse. My new fave character. Keira is also SO forward and I’m kinda here for it. She doesn’t pull punches.

MEL: Keira is what they all should be – like you’ve been hired to make drama guys. Ask the awkward questions so we get squirming. That date, though – Michael raving about Tara? Pal you just committed the ultimate crime.

JOSIE: And it didn’t even pay off on him, the stupid “we hung out for a few hours” loyalty, because Tara just fucked off over to Sam. Side note I died at how long Michael and Keira were away on their date. It was forever. The entire episode. I honestly thought the horses had turned murderous and eaten them.

MEL: Now a curve ball of murderous horses who slowly eat all the contestants in this show – that is something I would cancel plans to watch. Horses, I hope you’re reading this.

JOSIE: Ali’s presence on this show is the best thing that happened IMHO.

MEL: Her entrance music was wild. I was like, is this Gladiator? Are they now – along with flesh-eating horses – going to casually drop that from here on out, contestants must fight each other to death? Do I have concerning serial killer elements to my personality and they’re coming out via a thirst for violence.

JOSIE: No one is more serial killer than Jarrod, so you can team up with him I suppose. BUT that’s for later – back to Ali.

MEL: Her recap was fantastic because I didn’t watch Tim Robards‘ season and only vaguely knew of her. What a wild ride. Tears, sexy primary school gymnastics tricks…

JOSIE: Wasn’t it a journey. I have no idea why all the guys are heart eyes for her. SHE IS MENTAL. DIDN’T THEY WATCH SEASON ONE.

MEL: Boys are dumb. They’re so dumb, sorry. The one pairing I was not here for was Jarrod and Ali. They look like siblings.

JOSIE: Maybe Jarrod and Ali ARE siblings. Would not put it past this show.

MEL: That would be a high quality twist. Anyway I’m highly here for Ali, especially her savage remarks to Flo and vice versa. IDK if it’s you influencing me but Flo needs to get in the bin. How was when she said of Ali “Her face doesn’t move”? Ummmm hers and everyone else’s in this place, babe. It’s not like Ali’s the only one who loves a bit of cosmetic surgery, amirite?

JOSIE: Nothing of Ali moves except her legs when she walks, but I agree – it’s not like we don’t have a plethora of Tupperware tits on this island. Tag yourself I’m Jake’s sweat pimple when he’s trying to woo Ali. Or his enthusiastic nipple, although that made me nearly vomit up my couscous.

MEL: I’m Flo’s quickly disappearing alcoholic beverage as she digests the fact that – as she, and everyone else has said since the dawn of time – Jake is a full-blown, card-carrying fuckboy. How was the bit though where Ali is all “What did you just go home after a bar?” regarding Flo’s “history” with Jake. LOLOLOLOL.

JOSIE: The shade.

MEL: So fucking savage. Also how’s how Flo is all “I guess Ali isn’t here to make girl friends”. Bitch who is on a competitive reality show that’s literally about finding people to bone so you make it through to the end to FIND PALS? “Im going to go into a savage competition for dates to make some sweet BFFL’s”.

JOSIE: Ok so back to Jarrod – he just said Ali’s “got really beautiful insides”. 6000% serial killer. One of the peacocks is gonna show up dead. They always start with the animals.

MEL: Or he will start leaving little stick statues outside Ali’s room, like in Blair Witch Project.

JOSIE: The Pot Plant Project.

MEL: I’ve gotta say before I forget – Osh in Hawaiian shirts is a vibe.

JOSIE: I’m loving Vacay Osh. He literally does nothing on this show. It’s such sweet gig for him – like in the normal show he pops up 3 x an episode. In this he just greets people like a friendly concierge. And you know what? He deserves this so much. He has worked so hard, trying to make people like Richie seem interesting.

MEL: Can we talk about a) Megan‘s entrance (so many good new contestants this ep) and more importantly – the fucking “personality menu” they gave her to choose her first date. Is this a new thing? Or did I miss this. Whatever the case – stop that, Bachie. It’s weird.

JOSIE: She gets to pick someone to eat. It’s become a cannibalistic horror film.

MEL: “Whose liver will I eat first? I think I want to eat the motivated liver.”

JOSIE: “I’ll eat the cheeky kidneys”. I can’t believe she picked fucking JAKE. I can’t think of a dick I’d be less excited to be on. Also what were his shoes? MEGHAN RUN AWAY. RUN NOW. DON’T TRIP ON YOUR HAIR EXTENSIONS.

MEL: Also how he was like “We are in the clear. Whatever you want to do” when she asked if he had been seeing anyone on the island. GROSS. I mean I stand by my whole ‘they’ve been there for 0.2 seconds’ but still. Jake. Flo saved you and you almost exited by like, a HAIR, and you’re throwing her in the bin already? I tell you who needs to be in the bin – you.

JOSIE: Someone feed Jake to the killer horses.

MEL: Meanwhile – Mack. I swear to god he wasn’t even on a past Bachelorette. But props to him going in for Ali – why do these people think the person they knew for a day would stay loyal to them. He was hanging around with Leah casually for like 4 hours.

JOSIE: Was Leah shitty though? I had a momentary brain lapse and missed that.

MEL: Not really, I guess. A bit shitty. But the music they used was like “THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL”.

JOSIE: TBH I didn’t even care about that sub-plot because AHAHAHA JARROD TELLING THE CAMERA THAT HE KNOWS KIERA THEOUGH INSTAGRAM MESSAGING.

MEL: ARE WE 12.

JOSIE: I screamed laughing. I’m obsessed with “Jeira” by the way.

MEL: Ok weird but does Jarrod look like Vance Joy if he was blonde and extremely sunburnt Y/N.

JOSIE: Jake’s really frothing the unbuttoned Ralph Lauren shirts and it’s got to stop frankly. There’s a lot of questionable fashion choices actually – tag yourself, I’m Flo’s thrush after wearing that swimsuit for 24 hours straight.

MEL: I’m Jake’s ill-advised wooden necklace. Man how awkward was Tara and Michael’s reunion after the Keira date, by the way. We didn’t discuss this enough.

JOSIE: That’s why this show is clever. They’re gone for a matter of hours and Tara had no choice but to move on to Sam. It’s like a pressure cooker situation, emotions are high and now she’s like “nup”.

MEL: She had no choice but to move on, Josie.

JOSIE: Tag yourself I’m Michael’s health-conscious vodka lime and soda + flinty-eyed sip.

MEL: I’m Michael’s anxiety head scratching. Final thought from me btw – Tara pretending she’s fine w/ Michael is classic me with all boyfriends. “It’s all good!” EVERYTHING WAS NOT GOOD.

JOSIE: hahaha 100%. I actually felt bad for Michael. He didn’t lead Kiera on in the slightest, and she chose him – not the other way around. Like what was he going to do? I still love how his face is still entirely expressionless. Even when “so shocked and upset”.

MEL: And that’s a wrap! What are we thinking for tomorrow night? I personally think we might open with a horse, telling viewers that he’s the captain now and all the contestants have been “disposed of”.

If you liked this terrible excuse for a recap, head HERE and HERE to read all our other wildly intelligent thoughts on Bachie In Paradise so far.

Image: Network Ten