Holy shit. Channel Ten‘s already pulling out the big guns and dropping American Bachie stars into Paradise, so they clearly mean business.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’
so ready 4 these two

Seriously, if you think Australia’s version of Bachelor In Paradise is entertaining, I urge you to absolutely not find a way to illegally stream the American one. With four seasons under their belt, they are well established and make us look like lemons in comparison. To break it down for you: two babies and two marriages have come out of the paradise in Mexico.

Last night, Osher‘s voice over promised us 2 x American contestants later this week and mates, if you haven’t flicked to 9Life at a godforsaken hour to have seen them in all their prior glory, I’m not sure you’re ready for this. I’m here to fully prep you on what these yanks are all about, like the good person with no life that I am, and what you can expect.

GRANT KEMP

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’
If you thought everyone got sensations in their genitals when Ali Oetjen walked in, you just wait for the reaction to Grant Kemp. He’s hot, presumably around 6″4, got tatts and is from America, making him essentially unattainable and therefore attractive to all of humankind.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’
While Grant was a former contestant on The Bachelorette – no one knows which season because he didn’t get the producers hard enough for ample airtime – he’s better known for his relationship with Lace Cross on Season 3 of Bachelor In Paradise US.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’
They got actual matching tatts on the show, people, which is about as batshit as getting Live, Laugh, Love emblazoned across your lower back.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’
But here’s the real kicker: they got engaged at the final rose ceremony. He got down on one knee, the whole shebang.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’
Obviously they broke up (but shit, with that Brett fiasco you never can be too sure), now he’s back for round two, and, if the trailers are anything to go by, he looks damn well ready. You can see him getting dreamy and steamy with basically any blonde (because Aussie chicks are all ~blonde surfer girls~, duh). I see Tara and Ali and like maybe Leah, who I’m surprised has lasted this long.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’

Full disclosure: I slid into Grant’s DMs to try and get a comment on his involvement in Fiji. He wrote back, but then stopped responding once I dropped the media card. What could’ve been, I’ll never know.

DANIEL MAGUIRE

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’
Why you come on this show pls go home

Oh, Daniel. Where does one even begin. Technically he’s not American (he’s Canadian) but he *is* from the American Bachelor / Bachelorette franchise. Pretty sure he was on JoJo Fletcher’s season (can confirm he was, just wanted to get across that his involvement wasn’t memorable), but he’s known for his uh, multiple stints on the American BIP. He’s a seasoned veteran, and a seasoned wanker at that.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’

Hear me out: the guy told a girl he loved her, but then told producers he wouldn’t change with Facebook status or anything for her. Grade-A fuckboy, no? He will literally do whatever (and whoever) to get those roses because this guy is hungrier than (insert politically incorrect metaphor here) for fame.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’
I don’t lie. Why else would he dip his dick into the Australian market? I wouldn’t be here for it if it weren’t 100% entertaining television. He dribbles some truly dumb sentences.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’

Do I think he will shake up the resort? Absolutely. Kiera’s obviously getting butterflies in her vagina over him. (Fun fact: if they end up together they won’t have to have a conversation about who takes whose surname.) And is this him with Nina? Maybe. Maybe not.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’

Do I think he will last long? No. Oh god no. He is definitely not someone you want to date, and once you throw a few oceans in the mix, he really isn’t worth the trouble. Good news for snags everywhere!

JARED HAIBON

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’

Speaking of Sensitive new aged guys. Look, if you didn’t know Jared Haibon from Kaitlyn Bristowe‘s season was coming onto the show, I’m sorry. You do now. How do I know? There was about 1.2 seconds of him in one of the trailers, which you know I deeply analysed.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’
Jared is a sweet baby stubbled angel with perfectly imperfect teeth who has had all of his happily ever after dreams shat on by his crazy ex, Ashley Iaconetti. I don’t say this lightly – I know how infuriating it can be when you look like a crazy mudda just because some douche emotionally manipulated you – but gifs don’t lie.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’
Like, I can’t.

I haven’t seen someone this obsessed someone since like, Jarrod Woodgate with Sophie Monk, so yeah not that long ago but creep central nonetheless. She rocks up on every season Jared’s been on and hence every girl is too scared to even look his way because Ashley’s waterworks and general craziness will surface. No wonder he had to shift to the Aussie franchise. If she rocks up in Fiji I will actually, legitimately lose my shit.

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For The American Jelly Dropping Into ‘Bachie In Paradise’
Back to the sweet baby angel that is Jared. Heres’ to him escaping the wrath of Ashley, just this once.