We’re in that bit of the Bachelor 2018 season where things slow down and get, well, a bit less zesty tbh. We now know who the villains are (oh hey, Alicia/Cat/Romy aka the Three Horsewomen of the Apocalypse) and the wifeys (Britt, Soph, Brooke – what’s up). So we’re basically waiting for the Badge to boot the nobodies and get us down to the pointy end, here.
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Tonight we saw Soph and Badgie lock lips (finally), the gals meet the fam – wtf is going on with Cass‘s history with HB, by the way – and Romy throw Cass under the bus/someone throw Cat under the bus/everyone’s getting run over by buses, fuck.
As always, me (Mel, Senior Style and Features Editor) and Josie (Head of Editorial) are here to recap it all for ya.
JOSIE: What about how I just settled down to enjoy Bachie and forgot we had to actually message each other.
MEL: Hahahaha. Whoops. Can I just say, at this point I think my blood is made entirely of Slurpee. This trend of Slurpee + Bachie hour is .. not good.
JOSIE: It’s really bad for us but I can’t stop now?
MEL: It’s part of the experience now. Like Pavlovian response vibes. I think.
JOSIE: Lol at this opening with Badge running down the beach like he’s on Baywatch.
MEL: Omg when Badge was like “Soph and I always have a laugh” errr do you? I do not feel like you have ever had an actual laugh with Soph that wasn’t an awkward one.
JOSIE: I felt for Soph on the group date though, because the mean girls were all watching giggling. No wonder she was awks.
MEL: Fully, and she had to do yoga and everyone knows yoga means farting. She was prob holding in the farts.
JOSIE: Hundo. Omg Nick’s doing his thing again.
MEL: I LOVE BADGE FASHION WRAP. Ok legit badger is in a Lowe’s shirt. Like it absolutely is, I’ve seen it in there.
JOSIE: “BIG EYES“. Big eyes is the #1 trait I look for in a partner.
MEL: Just a face with eyes. Nothing more.
JOSIE: No other features at all.
MEL: I feel like Sophie said “I love water” and what she meant is “can I have the yacht date”. And now she’s on a pump-it-yourself race boat.
JOSIE: Also now she’s scared? Mate you were all “BRO I LOVE WATER SPORTS” before you even said hi.
MEL: Lol fully. Also Josie, your first ep theory on aqua sex is correct. Nick indeed cannot get horny without a body of water present.
JOSIE: He can only become erect whilst submerged in water. Meanwhile, these boats look like flimsy vessels of death.
MEL: What is this demon boat, why is it hovering out of the water. I DON’T LIKE IT.
JOSIE: It’s flying. She’s like “this is so cool” through the most gritted of teeth just then.
MEL: “This is so cool” *diarrhoea’s uncontrollably *.
JOSIE: Meanwhile back at the mansion, Cass is doing the Elora thing of squatting out her anger.
MEL: Cass doing stress weights.
JOSIE: We’re back at the date. Ummmm… that trapeze thing doesn’t look fun? They’re like human teabags being plonked in filthy harbour water.
MEL: When he said “lean your head right back” I thought oh dear are we about to witness a beheading.
JOSIE: Happy to say I am not the girl who will give anything a go.
MEL: Ugh I feel like all these girls are being ~ I’m a cooool girl ~ and it’s like no, no one actually wants to go on the trapeze thing and lose their head ok. NO ONE.
JOSIE: They’re like yes I’ll play footy! I’ll play foot golf! I’ll play a professional rugby game as a front rower! Girls just admit you want a cheese plate and a wine. You want to see Oceans 8 in gold class. You’re basics and that’s FINE.
MEL: “I’ll put on a garbage bag full of old rotting meat and run down a race track! Woo!”
JOSIE: OMG Mel, I’ve just realised – Richie had cool bananas. Badge has WOWEEE.
MEL: Hahaha he does! I feel for Soph actually – she just seems like a shy egg. Like fuck man I can’t look a guy in the eyes when I’m smoodged up against him with 40 cameras up my nose.
JOSIE: I’m with her – that was a shit situation, the photo shoot. But also – this is boring. Sorry there’s no chemistry. BYE.
MEL: TBH she seems sad about her ex. Like, real fucked up over it still.
JOSIE: He loves a kiss doesn’t he. He loves 2 pash. This is a good kiss despite her hard fillers.
MEL: The music is so lol. It’s like beauty and the beast but when she transforms him.
JOSIE: And they’re twirling around, and the curse is lifted…
MEL: Yup and there’s like years of build up, where she fell in love with his beastly form for his SOUL…
JOSIE: And her dad is alive!
MEL: The wardrobe is a human again! But no, it’s just a woman who barely knows a man having a weak, chemistry-void pash.
JOSIE: Omg I love Bachie and the Beast though. Where’s that show. Anyway – Big kissy.
MEL: Big boring kissy.
JOSIE: I didn’t feel a twinge over that kiss. Oh we’re back at the mansion and what fresh hell are these dumb 1995 outfits worn by all the girls.
Also I know these people are his family, but where is the cat Beryl that’s what I want to know.
MEL: OMG.
JOSIE: OMG. Cass went on a MINI BREAK WITH NICK!?
MEL: That is serious. Like that’s past exclusive.
JOSIE: That’s full on.
MEL: Hook ups don’t take hook ups on mini breaks. They take MAYBE-GIRLFRIENDS.
JOSIE: Also – there’s a lot of over the top laughing at the Dad’s jokes. He’s not that funny guys.
MEL: Yeah they’re like BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA you said “HELLO!!” Meanwhile, Alicia is like legit way too keen. Dial back 50 notches beb.
JOSIE: It was like a job interview – “I’d be perfect for this role”. Mel, did you just hear that. Cat has a jewellery line I had no idea!!!
MEL: I AM SHOCKED. Shocked, Josie. Meanwhile, the brother is not enjoying this Cass moment.
JOSIE: Also she is unraveling.
MEL: I am so confused as to how they’ve gone on “maybe” a date but also a whole mini break. Cass, stop lying.
JOSIE: “I’m like fully flustered”.
MEL: She’s like clutching at the brothers soul with her eyes.
JOSIE: Who is more uncomfortable: 1. The brother listening to her verbal diarrhoea 2. Me watching Cass slowly unravel into madness.
MEL: Yesss Josie it’s your favourite – a window caper! A sneaky window peeping snake!
JOSIE: I love it. There’s been 4 instances of it in this season. Also the brother looks like he wants his life to be over
MEL: The brother wishes the earth would swallow him whole. Sweet surrender to the grass demons. OMG THEY CHOSE BROOKE? HORSE-SHIT. Just give her the ring and be done with it then ya fuckers.
JOSIE: Ooooft Britt on Brooke, like wah wah she’s the fave.
MEL: I like the sister – hell yeah fucking off people who throw other folks under the bus.
JOSIE: SHE should wear the Future Is Female shirt.
MEL: LOL Romy is basically like “It was a private conversation in which I was slagging off someone else for competition purposes okaaaay”.
JOSIE: “I’m so pissed off with Blair for overhearing the terrible things I said about another person”
MEL: Badge has raided Lowe’s. Absolutely RAIDED their CBD store.
JOSIE: That’s my dad’s Lowes shirt from 1992. Awww the dad loves Brooke.
MEL: That dinner was cute. Back to the mansion, and ah yes, three horse women of the apocalypse here to fuck shit up. They literally ride together.
JOSIE: They’re such Disney characters, the evil stepsisters.
MEL: Legit.
JOSIE: “You have no class and this angers me” – put that on my gravestone.
MEL: I love having no class and angering people.
JOSIE: It’s literally my only aim in life. How’s the shit eating grin on Cat’s face, btw.
MEL: She is demonic, I swear. LOL Cass is like “I can only handle my unhealthy crush on nick and nothing else , please stop”.
JOSIE: I just gagged over her calling him Nicky.
MEL: Who the fuck is Tenielle.
JOSIE: Never heard of her!
MEL: Not real, fact. Oh god Aleksandra please no with the capers. The zesty jokes
JOSIE: I’m sick of it! Her card isn’t even funny. Oh god, when Cass went over and got sent away – I want to hide under the table.
MEL: SAME. And his face just looked like… pity. Yeugh.
JOSIE: What about how’s she’s like “I don’t want to talk about what happened with Nick and I”? I’d be like “bitches I fucked him 8 and half times”.
MEL: “I’ve got photos of his dick in my phone”.
JOSIE: “Both erect and semi erect”. I’ve legit had this same chat with a guy, by the way. It’s making me sad.
MEL: I knowwww. He just keeps trying to let her down easy and he’s doing a shit job of it.
JOSIE: A terrible job. Meanwhile – “Why is it that I’m targeted” says Cat. BECAUSE YOU MENTION YOUR JEWELLERY BUSINESS EVERY 0.5 SECS, MAYBE. Why is Vanessa saying everything I’m thinking.
MEL: “Why would someone target me for talking about my jewellery brand based in Bali full of affordable yet stylish pieces, like this cuff I’m wearing now.”
JOSIE: “Available online with flat rate shipping to Australia?”
MEL: Rose ceremony!
JOSIE: I like that Sophie dressed to match her pre-approved rose.
MEL: It’s very fuck you isn’t it. Smunty behaviour, I like it. Brittany’s scary snake outfit should have been on Romy, btw.
JOSIE: It really should. Don’t try to look evil Brittany it doesn’t suit you. Lol, the music when it gets down to final two. It’s like 800 soldiers being killed in Dunkirk.
MEL: It’s like whoever is denied a rose is going to fall down into a pit of piranhas.
JOSIE: Ooh Cat didn’t say “thanks babe”. She was like “YEP”.
MEL: She’s PISSED.
JOSIE: Pissed off she was in bottom two.
MEL: Hopefully this eventuates into some maniacal screaming moment in tomorrow night’s episode. I can only dream.
Mel and Josie also like talking their brand of bullshit about true crime and mysteries – check out their podcast ‘All Aussie Mysteries’ on iTunes now, or listen below:
