Guys, can we make a bold statement? The Bachelor 2018 is the best season we’ve ever had when it comes to drama. There’s crazy-in-love girls (Cass). There’s a bitchy trio (Alicia, Cat, Romy what’s up). There’s draaaaama.
Episode 3 gave us more peak-Cassie (RIP her heart, honestly), TWO kisses that our Bachie actually wanted to happen, and plenty more.
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As always, Josie (Head of Editorial) and moi (Mel, Senior Style & Features Editor) are here to recap it all over a coupla Slurpees.
MEL: Firstly I would just like everyone to know we now buy Slurpees before each viewing sesh:
JOSIE: We really do. We need the sugar hit to make it through this 11 hour episode. Is that Hong Kong?
MEL: What even city was that, I’ve never seen it. Accidental error in stock footage?
JOSIE: It’s a fake metropolis from a movie – Blade Runner: Bachie Edition.
MEL: Meanwhile, Osh dressed like a 65 year old retiree golfer up in here.
JOSIE:Is Osh drunk?
MEL:Is Osh PERMANENTLY drunk to get through his job?
JOSIE: I know he doesn’t drink but he seems extra zesty. Vanessa Sunshine has the saltiest face. Like even when she’s smiling it looks sarcastic and filled with venom.
MEL: She permanently looks like there’s poo under her nose.
JOSIE: Cass is way too sweaty and non blinking for my tastes, she’s scaring me.
MEL: When Sophie was saying “Cass goes all red and puts on her embarrassed face”. Umm Soph, I think Cass is now 24/7 embarrassed mate, after her big “I wrote about our future in my diary, Nick” moment.
JOSIE: The irony of Romy the mean girl wearing a Future is Female shirt.
MEL: Omg I just thought that.
JOSIE: The irony hurts me physically.
MEL: Poor Cass, that let down when it was revealed that the “person he’s known for a long time” was actually his nursery pal Britt – all over her mug. Also “Omg we were born in the same hospital” – literally the bar is on the floor when it comes to ~connections~ with these people.
JOSIE: Yeah, Brittany is really clutching at the hospital connection. Mel I was born in the same country as Chris Hemsworth does that mean we’re gonna fuck?
MEL: A “connection” is now having been born as an emotionless blob near someone else.
JOSIE: A screaming heap of flesh, in the same vicinity but months apart.
MEL: BACHIE ON A BOAT! BOATCHIE! What he fuck is he talking about, just Fashion Police Nick back at it again critiquing Brittany’s outfit up here.
JOSIE: “Wonder Woman without the shield” – If I don’t get called that at least once in my life I quit. Why did they need to climb a cliff to get to the golf course.
MEL: This FOOTGOLF bullshit is absolutely a fake game.
JOSIE: There’s so much SPORT. You can tell the producers got together for a brainstorm like HOW CAN WE COME UP WITH 18 DATES THAT RELATE TO SPORTS.
MEL: The producers were like well fuck we don’t have a golf course that’ll take us, but we do have these manky soccer balls and a small clearing…. FOOTGOLF IT IS.
JOSIE: So the premise is… They kick a ball. Then drive to wear it lands. Where. They then kick it again. I don’t ever want to play footgolf. Just take me to the golf club for a $5 savvy b.
MEL: I legit thought Britt was going to say “it’s been years since I went for a swim”. But no. She means love.
JOSIE: Hahaha “I live in Port Macquarie but just didn’t get around to it”. Yesssss a Newcastle Pour for the wine. This is more my speed.
MEL: “We’re drinking red…” “Where from?” “From the bottle”. Also our speed. Wait what the fuck is this bag of notes Britt has brought. “I wrote down a whole heap of questions that you can answer”. I’m sorry, what?
JOSIE: Unfurling her 12km scroll of questions.
MEL: Me to a date: Hi nice to meet you I’ve just brought some questions for you *pulls out metre long sheet of paper* this is cool right? It’s super chill yeah? 1. What three things do you want in a life partner.
JOSIE: It’s clever because she cut them into little bits of paper so it’s like a game! But still with creepy stalker questions!
MEL: 2. What are your sperm like, how strongly can you impregnate me in 3-5 years time.
JOSIE: He answered one question and she’s like I WOULD LIKE TO WAKE UP NEXT TO HIM EVERY DAY! Why are these people so intense Mel I’m frightened. When I met my boyfriend it was like “oh you like Quentin Tarantino movies too, sick one let’s kiss”.
MEL: Legit if someone sat me down and asked me shit like this I’d run through a glass door to get away. Wouldn’t even open it. Just bam through the glass.
JOSIE: Fun fact I did that once when my ex showed up to a party.
MEL: Hahaha fuck. OMG, he just said OUR PHILOSOPHIES AROUND LOVE. He said that. ALSO WHY IS BRITT IN A BIKINI TOGA.
JOSIE: I can’t breathe. I thought Nick was naked.
JOSIE: What is with the 90s video game music. OOOH AQUA SEX TIME! There is a drop of water on Honey Badger so he’s Horned Up.
MEL: He literally only gets turned on in water, so far your theory is correct.
JOSIE: Stop talking about your philosophies and bang on a towel ffs. If they don’t aqua kiss I resign.
MEL: Omggggggg! First actual kiss!
JOSIE: Yesssss a legit consensual kiss.
MEL: OMG Britt with the “First time all day that it felt like no one was around and we were the only ones there”. Yeah just you and like 10 camera guys. 5 producers. Probably a few cats. Some other girls peeping through a window. Above, a helicopter drone thing.
JOSIE: Cut to Gary the camera operator scratching his nuts. Meanwhile back at the mansion – I cannot believe they all stayed up til midnight.
MEL: I’m imagining them sitting in that purgatory room for 18 hours.
JOSIE:I’d be sleeping with a face mask on.
MEL: The Bach Pad key is so funny to me. Like “all these women are having cute dates, I’d better ACCOST the man in his private space to get ahead then”.
JOSIE: Cassie just said she gets a tinkling feeling when she sees Nick. Doll if you’re peeing involuntarily you should get that checked.
MEL: Why is Osh screaming in everyone’s face rn. “HOWYA GOIIING NIIICK!!! NICK!!!! HOWYAAAAA!”
JOSIE: Why is Osh so drunk. You have a microphone buddy. Inside voice pls.
MEL: Theory – Osh has some new kombucha but he made it too fermented and now it’s highly alcoholic.
JOSIE: It’s basically 4 litres of goon in one small glass. Fun fact I had drunk 4 litres of goon when I ran through the glass door. Also this group date is like Hunger Games but dressed by Just Jeans.
MEL: They looked like they’re praying to the bouncy ball god during that handshake game.
JOSIE: Offering their souls and “encouragement words”, as Dasha said.
MEL: Sophie’s excitement over the bar is a mood.
JOSIE: Sophie is us.
MEL: Crystal Cayla asking if they get to touch Nick in the next session – not a mood.
JOSIE: Like calm down Cayla. Grab a quartz and centre yourself. Cass gives me a tension headache.
MEL: Cass gives me hives. She’s just like… actual heart on sleeve, like her physical heart. Bleeding all over the floor, poor gal.
JOSIE: I feel for her in a way. The producers are making her look batshit as well. Damn Cassie would have killed this round since she clearly knows everything about Nick.
MEL: Side note why are there llamas everywhere.
JOSIE: They’re the reincarnated souls of all the rejected women. Is Vanessa an actress? This is literally like UnREAL the show. Or like she’s part of Ja’mie King’s group in Summer Heights High.
MEL: Living for this Vanessa/Cat beef.
JOSIE: Speaking of Cats – his is called Beryl. I’m so here for that. OMG Vanessa won!
MEL: Nick looks terrified to go on a date with this hammer-wielding monster lady.
JOSIE: She isn’t a real person, I swear.
MEL: He honestly may have wet his pants, I feel like he is genuinely so afraid of her.
JOSIE: This is a joke, she is a jillion percent going home. Nick is desperately wishing he had Brittany’s hat full of ice breaking questions.
MEL: Ahahahaha this bevy of Nosey Parker’s peering through the window.
JOSIE: I’m obsessed with all the window peering in this series. Oooh, he’s cutting his date with Vanessa off. He’s like OFF YA GO LOVE!
MEL: JOG ON! Back to the pen with ya. OMG WHAT THE FUCK IS BROOKE COOKING.
JOSIE: BUTTER AND BACON.
MEL: That is 40 tonnes of butter.
JOSIE: She’s going to clog his arteries. She wants to give him a heart attack. RIP Nick.
MEL: Omg what is this. A MAP TO THE BACH PAD.
JOSIE: Hyundai would have loved that nifty product placement. AHAHAHA AS IF HE WAS JUST HANGING AROUND SHIRTLESS AND MOISTURISED IN FOOTY SHORTS!
MEL: Let it be known Josie was laughing so hard just then, she banged her head on the wall.
JOSIE: At the Logie winning performance from nick – “Look surprised nick”
MEL: UGH Brooke with her ~cool girl~ “I eat!” shit. “I’m sOOOooOO hungry for my lard roll”.
JOSIE: My head hurts from my accident. Also Brooke, love that you are doing a good and important job but maybe when you’re on the bed don’t discuss it. Nick is like sorry love the poor kids are a real boner kill.
MEL: Also her talking about the love she has to give with no one to give it to. Read the room, not the time.
JOSIE: Absolute props to her for doing something important and also for having feelings but… time and a place y’know.
MEL: Fuuuck Brooke we get it you footy. JFC.
JOSIE: Side note I love that she wore pjs and brought footy boots, but wore a full face of makeup and artfully waved her hair.
MEL: I’m so off all the “I’m a cool girl” bullshit. This man is not after his female double. You don’t need to be like *awkward silence* “ok FOOOOOTY! YIEEWW!”
JOSIE: Her footy shorts are my Bonds boy leg undies btw.
MEL: Oh no, Nick’s down!
JOSIE: He’s only having a heart attack because you poisoned him with butter, Brooke.
MEL: TWO KISSES one episode!!!
JOSIE: Get it Nick!
MEL: DOUBLE KISS WHAMMY!
JOSIE: Brooke talks about a lot of sad things. I’m feeling all misty.
MEL: Let it be known, Josie is maybe crying. What is he even saying in response here. “You know the things in your life and you know your life and the things”.
JOSIE: Blah blah Hallmark card words.
MEL: I feel like Brooke is too experienced in life for him. She’s been through some shit. AND she’s still an angel soul. Too pure.
JOSIE: COCKTAIL PARTY! This party, dress code: sternum.
MEL: Sternum, but make it fashion.
JOSIE: Omg Brooke and Nick’s entrance. They are married. If I was here I’d just leave.
MEL: Absolutely Brooke – winner. Calling it.
JOSIE: I have her in the sweep!
MEL: Oh god… Cass is not ok.
JOSIE: You are my witness Mel, I am dying here.
MEL: Josie is basically on the floor from cringe.
JOSIE: I can’t stop groaning in physical pain – half from Cassie, half from my wall concussion. Meanwhile this couch of women is so full of venom.
MEL: Snakes everywhere
JOSIE: Vanessa Sunshine just go, you clearly have no boner for Nick.
MEL: She should, but also fuck off Cat and Romy.
JOSIE: The producer plants. I love that they were so busy bitching that Nick approaching them gave them all a shock.
MEL: Omg chats with Dasha. I haven’t seen her for ages.
JOSIE: I love my wife Dasha.
MEL: She is actually so cute.
JOSIE: She’s a MUM!
MEL: A tiny Dasha exists!
JOSIE: She’s my wife and my mum. I love her so much.
MEL: Josie’s crying again, everyone.
JOSIE: Am I crying? Yes. The ominous music for Cassie’s love letter she’s about to read.
MEL: He’s so matey with her.
JOSIE: “WHAT’S GARNNNNN”. I can’t Mel. Oh god.
MEL: Oh goddd! Tension headache – on. Present and accounted for.
JOSIE: This sparkly Typo notebook – Hi, 16 year old Josie writing poems for Dolly magazine.
MEL: Oh my fucking god “precious moment in time, locked eyes in the crowd”. Fuck.
JOSIE: 14 yo actually.
MEL: “Dear Seth Cohen”.
JOSIE: He has no words, I’m dead.
MEL: He is acting exactly like the dude you boned once and fell for who now wants you to stop showing up at his house at 1am.
JOSIE: He actually is. She’s misreading everything completely. He didn’t return any sentiments.
MEL: He was actually saying “oh honey sorry I don’t feel this way and I deeply regret our penis party bc now you’ve caught feelings.” Back to the party and – who the fuck is that.
JOSIE: Who is that woman.
MEL: Did she walk in and put a ball gown, and no one has realised she’s an impostor?
JOSIE: She’s just a passerby keen for goss, free champagne and a sternum party. Ps Shannon is drunk.
MEL: “I know trueness when I see it “ – Shannon, brain genius. Also Alicia is the Cat fan club CEO apparently.
JOSIE: Alisha is here to win Cats heart. Also how’s all the bitchy hand gestures from that group.
MEL: Romy with the pass agg boob adjust over that Shannon/Cat showdown.
JOSIE: CEREMONY TIME! I wonder if he’ll send Cass home. She’s good for the story but he was clearly spooked by her. Also, finally Osher has stopped yelling.
MEL: Osh has been tranquilised.
JOSIE: He’s oddly calm.
MEL: Who tf…
JOSIE: Never seen Ashley in my LOIFE. Also Cass went from “I know him we went on a date” to HE IS MY PERSON PLEASE PICK ME! Like it escalated.
MEL: Cat’s “thanks beb” ughhhh. NO BEB.
JOSIE: Wow Crystal Cayla’s full moon ritual didn’t work out.
MEL: Omg an exit shaka from rando girl. No.
JOSIE: Omgggg! Crystal Cayla taking Nick outside – she’s gonna spill the TEA!
MEL: Cayla SPILL THE TEEEA!
JOSIE: “Blindsiding”.This is not Survivor.
MEL: When he told her to “fly the flag”, oh god. That means he’s saying you’re a freak, Cayla! Stop talking, leave now!
JOSIE: He’s like “take your rose quartz and get the fuck out of my mansion”.
MEL: 100%. Oh well, bye randoms + Crystal Cayla.
We’ll be back tomorrow chatting Bachie – but if you enjoy our recaps, check out our true crime / mysteries podcast, would ya? Each week we discuss a different Aussie ~mystery~, from The Beaumont Kids to The Lithgow Panther. Listen on iTunes here, or below.
