While it might sound ridiculous, one could come to grips with an argument that suggested existence was easier in ancient times. Sure, life expectancy was lower than/equal to Pauline Hanson’s IQ, the common flu could’ve probably caused your stomach to fall clean out of your shit-riddled asshole, and society was pretty chill with stoning someone to death for challenging the assumption of the earth’s flatness, but at least folks back then were dumb enough to blindly follow the words of a few.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the global intellectual awakening of the world. It’s lead to mind-blowing creations like the Selfie Stick, Pamela Anderson‘s gravity-defiant breasts, and bedazzled gooch piercings. On the other hand, collectively being this #woke makes me want to have a nap real fucking badly. Instead of dodging shit like, y’know, the plague, we spend our time avoiding unsolicited dick pics and anal chlamydia (yes, you can get it in your butt).
So yeah, having some sorta religious scripture or ethical dogma to ignorantly abide by sounds superb to me. But also, fuck that – ‘cos ain’t nobody got time for that aggressively backwards kinda shit. Ugh, CHRIST ON A BIKE. Why can’t we have a creepily-relevant collection of books to give us kids the means to navigate the perils of life in 2017?!
Oh wait, it’s only now dawning on me that the aforementioned collection legit exists… Get around the below four books if you’re keen for a throbbing brain boner.
Just The Tip – Sex Tips For Chicks By Gay Dudes
Being the go-to pole-smoking/chocolate-starfish-eating gay of your group is tough, people. You’re essentially Google, but the only questions you’re getting asked are ones surrounding something to do with genitals (regardless of how hectic your sex life is in reality). So with the added pressure of being a self-described ‘horny unit‘, I’m hoping to get my hands on several hundred copies of this book. Once they’re in my possession, I plan on distributing them through a device similar to that of a t-shirt cannon, because why the fuck not.
Yes, Just The Tip – Sex Tips For Chicks By Gay Dudes is the long-overdue salvation us dick-lovin’ gents have needed for years now, and we’ve got its international panel of gays (as in, the folks responsible for this biblical creation) to thank for it.
The book covers everything for giving the perfect blowjob, to tackling anal. So, to my fellow gay brethren, prepare to FINALLY sleep easy – we’re free.
Space Is Cool As Fuck
Co-Author Kate Howells (the Global Community Outreach Manager of the Planetary Society) is responsible for a fair chunk of this book, and she’s done a bang-up job of turning extremely complicated concepts into something that could even be understood when you’re balls deep on three caps (which would be the ideal situation in which to read it, tbh).
Her words are illuminated by more 100 wild artworks, photographs and illustrations from 40 international young artists curated by brilliant designer Cynthia Larenas. So yeah, it’s one good-looking book that’ll feel right at home on your coffee table.
Need even more motivation to get around it? Put this in your pipe and smoke it:
Space is Cool as Fuck features an in-depth and illuminating interview with everyone’s favourite TV scientist Bill Nye the Science Guy, Head of the Planetary Society, who believes that, no, we are not fucked and this planet and our people have a future.
#single – Dating in the 21st Century
“The perfect book to shove in the face of anyone who has ever asked ‘why are you still single?”
– My next door neighbour, Fran
If dating’s a minefield, then online dating’s an Independence Day-esque invasion hell-bent on shitting on your existence. Why? Because most people out there suck. Like, really fucking suck.
Based on the wildly popular blog TinderTuesday.com, #single – Dating in the 21st Century is jam-packed with actual exchanges on online dating platforms. Join the dots, people. They’re completely cooked.
Use this book as a means to remind yourself that things could be worse. A lot worse.
The Quit Smoking Colouring Book
Look, as someone who punches darts (and desperately wants to give them up), I’ve gotta admit that those hella confronting “QUIT NOW OR DIE” ads don’t do a whole lot. I get where they’re coming from, but every smoker in the western world knows how bad these things are for their health/wallets. Which is why I get terribly excited when a new, more creative approach crops up – and The Quit Smoking Colouring Book is a perfect example of that.
Every time you feel like having a hot one, you just colourfully fill in the blanks of the gawjus zen-style doodles by artist Yjulia Gramotneva.
Visually stunning illustrations to colour in that confront your dirty habit head on; like tongue cancer or a beautifully detailed hole in the throat. Along with humorously impolite prose, The Quit Smoking Colouring Book is also littered with thought-provoking facts, like how smoking can waste 7200 hours in five years.
Illustrations + impolite prose + hectic facts = something worth getting around if you’re keen to butt out for good.
As you can see, Lost The Plot has you sorted when it comes to navigating the perils of being a #millennial. If you’re keen to start living your best life with these books’ collective wisdom, then head HERE.