Dating can honestly be more excruciating than the silence that occurs when you’ve run out of things to say to your 97-year-old grandma.
While most of us have our fair share of dating woes (my love life has a healthy 2% success rate), these dating stories will legit ease that constant feeling of cringe-inducing regret for at least a hot sec.
The first rule of thumb? PDA is very much a personal choice and standing on a zebra crossing is never a wise idea. I mean, you’re literally standing in traffic.
I started dating a dude pretty quickly after the break up of my first proper relationship – it was a method of getting over the last guy, who’d broken up with me for being ‘frigid’. Real classy fella. We went on one date, where he was VERY into public displays of affection, to the point where he stopped in the middle of a zebra crossing to try and have a lil’ make-out sesh. Needless to say, we did not go on any further dates. However, two years later I started dating another guy who was friends with him, and they had a very bizarre confrontation where Zebra Crossing fellow was mad at my new guy because “I was HIS first, and my new guy should’ve asked permission”. Because apparently that’s a thing. – Steph
Meanwhile, if you believe you’re in a relationship if you see each other once every couple of months, you’re absolutely dreaming.
I started very casually seeing someone during the ‘off’ period of my long-term on-and-off relationship, and I quite liked him. We had a great first few dates and it seemed like it was going well – slow, but steady. Except, about six dates in I wound up in hospital after I collapsed at work and he chose the moment just before I was about to go in for head scans to tell me he wasn’t really looking for anything and that it wasn’t gonna continue. Naturally, we stayed in touch because I’m a bloody glutton for punishment, and after the long-term relationship finally ended for good we reconnected. Saw each other maybe twice in the space of four or five months, so it was more hanging out than anything else. He asked me to come and hang out after not really speaking for a few months, and I said no because I had started seeing someone new. His response? “Oh… I thought we were seeing each other”. Let me just reaffirm, I had not heard from this guy in months. – Shaun
Have you ever been on a date where someone pours their drink into their own food to create some morbid version of soup? Count yourself lucky.
I once went out with a guy who poured his entire red wine glass over his food. It was a bowl of perfectly good pasta and he just poured it right over like it was NO BIG DEAL. When I asked him why he said: “It’s all the same in your stomach anyway”. Nope. – Jamie
Speaking of morbid, I always thought that funerals seemed like a no-go zone when it came to picking up. Although tbf, it is quite sweet in an unconventional sort of way.
Basically, my ex died. We had been broken up for about 6 months at that point and we had gotten back to the stage where you can be friends. Plus we had a lot of mutual friends, so hanging out was inevitable. At the funeral, my current boyfriend didn’t know any of his cousins (my ex’s) friends, so his family encouraged him to go and chat with them, which is how we met. My ex and I only dated for about 3/4 months, and my current boyfriend and I are coming up on 8 years. – Eliza
Lastly, this poor soul.
I went on a blind date with this dude who I knew very little about, including the fact that he wasn’t out of the closet yet. We ended up bumping into a couple of his friends and he immediately explained to them that I used to play footy with him. So, they sat down with us and for the next hour I had to pretend that I a) knew how to play footy and b) had been friends with this guy for years. – Eddie
As I said, dating can be pretty bloody rough. I say we all just call it a day, stay single and eat as much Oporto as we can muster. If you really need to drown your sorrows, dig into their Bondi Chicken Box or Loaded Feed. Head here to hit up your nearest store – we’ve all earnt it.
