I’ll admit, it’s pretty much every day that some bloke is sounding off on Twitter about menial thing that nobody really gives a shit about, last week a man by the name of Elan Gale went absolutely boonta on Twitter about the way people make salad. Yes, salad. He was very cross (hopefully sarcastically) that people are terrible at making salads, and so he decided to list out reasons why everyone’s salads are so boring.
Yes, I read it all and I rolled my eyes so hard I think I may have seen the dawn of time.
https://twitter.com/theyearofelan/status/1222356311393751040?s=20
Not really, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me anyway.
Regardless, I genuinely like salad. It’s crisp and refreshing on summer days when it’s so hot you feel like your skin might just split and burst like a fat little sausage on the BBQ. Considering I felt like that for the most part of the end of January, I decided to bloody follow this guy’s tips and tricks on making a salad that isn’t bland and borezo.
Sick of being hot and bothered and hungry on a Sunday afternoon, I trotted off to my local supermarket and grabbed a bunch of groceries, and let me tell you – following Elan’s advice made things kinda expensive. I had a fair few things at home already but some of the specific stuff is a bit above and beyond what I’d normally buy for my lunches.
Anyway, here’s what I worked with:
Looking pretty colourful and I’ll admit, I love to “cook with the rainbow” and really get as much brightly-coloured stuff in there. Just makes things a bit more appealing to eat as well as being good for ya, y’know?
Anyway, let’s have a look at the first (of definitely too many) tips.
1. You’re forgetting to SEASON your ingredients, acting like the DRESSING is all that matters. Cucumbers and tomatoes need SALT and PEPPER. Avocados need CITRUS. Act as if you were going to eat each ingredient individually
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) January 29, 2020
Ok well here is my (homegrown!) cucumber and tomatoes with a bunch of salt and peppy on them to bring the flavours out. Plus a couple of good-lookin’ tomatoes from the shops. Whatever.
And here’s my (not homegrown) avocado with some salt, pepper, and a squeeze of lemon to keep it from browning and going yuck. And also a bit of salt on avocado is so good, so I’ll give you that one Elan.
The next thing he banged on about was the greens. The base. Howling for people to mix it up and add some flavours.
You’re using BORING lettuces. MIX IT THE FUCK UP. Use some arugula, use field greens, use romaine hearts, use frisée. Mix all your greens together!
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) January 29, 2020
FINE. I WILL.
Here are some bloody BABY COS and RADDICHIO and friggen BABY ROCKET, ok? Is that enough VARIETY? I also DIDN’T know what frisée is so I didn’t USE IT.
Ok, APPARENTLY it’s ENDIVE so WHATEVER I DIDN’T USE IT ANYWAY. How about some FENNEL? Is that OKAY with you, ELAN?
3. Don’t be afraid to use things with FLAVOR and SPICE! Have you ever heard of RADISHES? JALAPEÑOS? Add some damn SPICE in there!
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) January 29, 2020
Next up he wanted some spice in the salad, and I agree. You gotta have something that’ll stand out a little in the crowd of crunchy veggies. But I always think of Samin Nosrat and whether something needs more salt, fat, acid, or heat. Mostly because she doesn’t yell at me about it. I am but a fragile little egg, Elan. Be gentle.
I also bunged in a few more bits and pieces to make things interesting. We’ve got some teeny tiny red capsicum in there, snow peas and sugar snaps, and the herbs that Elan goes on to howl about in step…five? I dunno. I’m not sure if I care anymore because look how pretty this baby is.
4. HERBS! Why aren’t you using herbs? Use whatever herbs you can find! Parsley, cilantro, chervil, nasturtium, basil, and and all of it. STOP NOT USING HERBS
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) January 29, 2020
Ah, herbs. Step four. Anyway, if you look above you’ll see I popped in some watercress, curly parsley and mint. Two of them are from the garden, which I’m very glad somehow has survived the heat better than I did. (I got mad heatstroke after footy training lol)
Also sorry Elan but I looked through my northern Melbourne suburbia Coles and I couldn’t find any fucking chervil (??) or Nasturtiums (now that I think about it I totally have some in my front garden, FUCK) so you’ll just have to deal with this.
What’s next? Oh yeah, feta cheese. Elan goes fucken wild for feta cheese, apparently. Bloody loves it. Can’t get enough of the salty white stuff. No, no that. Jesus Christ, get your mind out of the gutter.
5. FETA CHEESE! What, you don’t like feta cheese? Do you not like FLAVOR? Get outta here with that nonsense. Don’t be putting cold flavorless shredded mozzarella like you’re a CoCo’s. Use flavorful cheese. At room temperature!
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) January 29, 2020
I went for a nice danish feta, which is a smoother one and not as crumbly as other ones. It’s really good in salad and also mashed into avocado on toast. Trust me there.
Next up is the salad dressing – now usually I go for a simple olive oil and balsamic vinegar mix but Elan screamed for spice. More spice. Always more spice.
6. Let’s talk DRESSINGS. You need olive oil, you need vinegar (all types are fine), you need CITRUS, and you need an agent that will HOMOGENIZE THE REST! What do you think I’m going to say now!?
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) January 29, 2020
Specifically, horseradish, or something similar if you “can’t hack it.” Ugh, whatever I couldn’t find horseradish beyond horseradish cream (??? no) and wasabi.
7. HORSERADISH. You don’t like horseradish? LEARN TO LIKE IT. You still don’t like it? MUSTARD. MINCED GARLIC. A LITTLE BIT OF HONEY. TABASCO! Who gives a shit. Try stuff. Add flavors. Try new things! Use THAI FISH SAUCE!
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) January 29, 2020
So I went for this combo, with no measurements; olive oil, apple cider vinegar, Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, Tabasco hot sauce, salt, pepper, and a touch of this Australian spice mix from Gewürzhaus, a fancy-ass spice shop Melbourne and Sydney. It seems like a lot but once it was in the salad it went quite well with the creaminess of the feta and avocado.
Elan’s adamant about playing with food, chucking in whatever would normally be thrown out and look, I appreciate the enthusiasm mate but I don’t know if I’d want some manky old broccoli in my salad. I know you can do that with soups and stirfry, but salads need to have a bit of crunch from the things that should be crunchy.
8. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO PLAY. Raid your fridge. Raid your pantry. Use spices before they go bad. Use veggies you would otherwise throw away. HAVE FUN!
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) January 29, 2020
He rounds it out by demanding that 2020 is the year we bail on sad old salads and instead lean into making them flavourful and fun, which….sure? Ok. I’m alright with that, Elan. But please stop yelling at me about it, I don’t like being patronised about my food preparations.
9. Your salad is only going to be as boring as you allow it to be. EXCITING SALADS 2020. THIS IS YOUR YEAR.
END VERY IMPORTANT THREAD
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) January 29, 2020
Finally, it was time to toss the salad which was very interesting because at this point it was so fucking huge that every turn of the salad servers caused me to pretty much throw it all over the bench. But here’s what it looked like after I did that (and saved a lot from ending up on the floor.)
I served it to my housemates and a couple of friends alongside zucchini enchiladas and please nobody tell Elan but it was…fucking delicious. I was maybe a little heavy-handed on the hot sauce in the dressing but, this salad? Would make again. God damn, I hate that he was very right.
