NYT Forced To Educate Yanks On Proper Avo Handling After Bulk ER Trips

In today’s edition of “how is this a thing and what does this say about the Free World“, The New York Times took it upon themselves to educate Americans on the latest danger to their freedoms: avocados.

Sure, you’re happy now. But soon the avo will hurt you too, small boy.

The article is called How To Cut An Avocado Without Cutting Yourself, and while you may think that there’s just one step here – don’t be a complete idiot – apparently our friends in America are really, really screwing this one up. Citing how a workmate’s wife had to pay near $20,000 USD after slicin’ up her hand, the author Margaux Laskey describes avos as earning “a reputation as one of the most dangerous foods to cut,” a line I think we need to interrogate.
Okay, so like… you cut an avo in half, twist it and open, hammer your butter knife into the seed and pull it out, then make a couple of lines down each side. Done. You know what’s more dangerous to cut? Tomatoes. Cucumbers. Steak. Pretty much anything that involves dicing or, you know, actually requires a sharp knife.
Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Breakfast. (Image source: The New York Times/Karsten Moran)
But this method – which as a millennial Australian I am 100% certain is objectively correct – isn’t even where the NYT lands. They mostly get it right, but miss the mark (and ensure a few new ones on the hands of their readers) when they say to “always use a sharp knife so it doesn’t slip off the stone“, which, hey, is probably the problem. I feel like there’s some sort of commentary in here about Americans, violence and excessive force, but I’ll leave that one for your next screenplay.
Thankfully, the internet is doing the Good Work, rightfully roasting the article.

My favourite part might be the medical advice at the end in case you somehow do cut off a limb or finger. Maybe it’s obvious that you should go to the hospital, but to be fair, I also thought the way to cut an avocado was pretty obvious too. 
PS. Can we all agree to hide this from POTUS? It’s too good to be used as “failing New York Times” fodder.
Image source: Getty Images