America Has Found A Way To Ruthlessly Fuck Up The Simple Act Of Eating Avo

America. A country where mayonnaise alone can be called a salad. Despite this, the United States maintains an extremely curious array of food regulations that should baffle even the pickiest of eater. And the latest one just-so-happens to involve the humble avocado.

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The US Food and Drug Administration, in their infinite wisdom, has turned their sights on the battling avo, scourge of cafes Australia-wide and constant target of deeply weird boomer thinkpieces, issuing a slate of new recommendations to consumers about the fruit that’s gonna just about knock you on your Hass.

According to a report issued about a month ago, the FDA is now recommending Americans wash, scrub, and dry their avocados before cutting into them.

As in, wash the skin of the thing, scrub it with a special brush, pat it dry, then strip it all away and discard before tucking into the fleshy goodness therein.

The report, it goes, claims that on 17% of avocado samples taken between 2014 and 2016, listeria monocytogenes (basically, dirt and shit) were found on the skin. The recommendation then asserts that not washing avocados could easily lead to contamination, with bacteria transferring from the skin of the fruit, to a knife cutting through it, to the flesh of the fruit itself.

It should be noted that the FDA is particularly gun shy about avoiding potential listeria-caused listeriosis outbreaks; a crop of contaminated cantaloupes in 2011 lead to the deaths of 33 people and left 147 others seriously ill. However there have been no recorded outbreaks associated with avocados.

Still, the US calls main course “entree” so what the fuck do they know about anything, really.

So the next time you happen to be swanning about a cafe in New York or wherever and your breakfast takes longer than usual to come out, it’s because the chef is in the kitchen furiously scrubbing your avo.

Just really going to town on it.

Heaving and sweating over that bad boy.

Cleaning it.