I honestly don’t even know how to begin this apart from just saying that there exists, somewhere on this god-forsaken planet, a really, horribly long variety of avocados and they’re equal parts fascinating and cursed.

Pictures of these long-ass avo boys have been floating around online for the last while, both stunning folks who love a bit of smashed green on their toast and unnerving others. Or both. I feel curious and disturbed by these schlong avocados.

They’re a variety of the Good Green Fruit that the folks at Miami Fruit have been selling for a few years now and frankly, I’m furious that nobody told me, a devout Hass Avocado fan, about these disturbingly lengthy lads. Look at the size of him! Imagine all the guac you could make with one of those.

Apparently, these long-necked avocados usually sit around the 45cm mark (what the fuck) but have been known to grow up to 90cm (!!!) – can you even imagine rocking up to brunch at a friend’s place with a metre-long avocado? Just like “oh hey, here’s this, hope it’s enough for everyone.”

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT! I feel like if I bunged one of those avos in our fruit bowl at home, my housemate would loudly ask if I’d accidentally left a dildo in the kitchen.

What I would like to know is how these bad boys taste. Like, is it the creamy, fuller flavour of the (arguably and definitely better) Hass avocado? Or are we talking the flavourless, floppy plastic bullshit known as the Shepard avo?

I wish to do a deep analysis and investigation of the Long Avocado, to successfully understand the flavour, mouthfeel, notes, and general vibe of these monster greenies.

Anyone with leads or access to these impossibly hefty, weighty, Horny Jail-worthy avocados, please contact me online. I wish to cradle one of these avocados in my arms delicately like a long, green baby, before smushing it into a chunky paste and eating it. Thank you.

Image: Instagram / @MiamiFruit