I’ve never met a burrito I didn’t want to propose to.
Unlike people, burritos have been the one factor of my life that has never disappointed me – even the ones sitting in a plastic bag for an hour before reaching me are still the highlight of my day. There’s something about unwrapping that red foil that brings me pure, unadulterated joy.
No, the holy burrito is unmatched and, even though some fillings are slightly less caliente than others, together, tucked in their little flour blanket of love, they bring out the best in one another.
Because Mad Mex is currently slinging 50,000 free burritos for new users of the app, I thought I’d take advantage of the offer and assign myself the official title of Burrito Maestro to uncover which fillings make for the World’s Best Burrito (in my opinion, don’t sue me).
9. Sour cream
As is every other filling on the menu, sour cream is an essential inclusion but alone, I can’t think of a time when I’ve been sitting there before having a sudden urge to go and eat sour cream by the spoonful.
I mean sure, it’s happened maybe twice in my life or this week but who’s counting? Bottom of the rung you go, sour cream.
8. Lettuce
I’m partial to popping some shredded iceberg in a burrito if I’m ordering it from the restaurant where it’s fresh as hell, but I really don’t trust myself to include lettuce in a homemade burrito because my ability to look after a little iceberg baby is questionable at best.
It kinda makes me concerned about parenthood. if I can’t look after literal lettuce, what hope do I have with a child?
7. Hot chillis
If my stomach lining didn’t keep threatening to quit, I could sit there eating bags of chillis until someone sent the police to make sure I was alive.
Unfortunately, my stomach and I have very different ideas of what is an acceptable amount of chillis to consume, so they’re kind of a one-and-done snack.
But, if you truly do love a hot punch to the gob, chuck on some extra jalapenos next time you’re at Mad Mex if you’re game.
6. Salsa verde / pico de gallo
You can find me on a regular basis eating a spoon of salsa (any sort) before I add it to my actual meal. It’s legit just tomatoes and onions and whatever else in the mix, what’s not to love?
This might not be the right time but I also feel the tomato is a misunderstood fruit. Put it in a sandwich and people bitch about how soggy it is but you chop it a touch differently and put it in a burrito and suddenly everyone’s orgasming in unison.
5. Black beans
Another burrito staple that should never be excluded, especially when seasoned with all the spice, are the humble black beans.
They’re not a bad time by any stretch of the imagination, but if I’ve resorted to the point where I’m sitting on the floor eating a tin of black beans (not even baked beans), then there’s no coming back.
In an unrelated matter, today I sat on the floor and ate sliced ham out of a packet because I’m yet to receive furniture, so make of that hypocrisy what you will.
4. Brown Rice
Here’s where I start to question my own logic. I know that rice might not be an exciting staple by itself, and I know that its primary purpose in a burrito is to give it heft, but, similar to pasta, I thoroughly enjoy it on its own.
For people whose tastebuds are clearly pickier than my own, I implore you to get down to my level. It’s grand.
3. Guacamole
Yes, yes, bloody hell yes.
Eating it in a burrito, licking it off the kitchen floor after going A over T, bathing in it for the most unhygienic yet satisfying hour of your life – guacamole is divine no matter how you consume it.
2. Cheese
It’s recently come to my attention that almost everyone who can eat cheese (or a variation of cheese like Mad Mex’s vegan option) has stood at the fridge and consumed handfuls of it straight from the bag.
I’d suggest starting a support group but it really does sound like the vast majority of our population would have to join, which would make staying anonymous quite the tricky business.
1. Protein (chicken chipotle, pulled beef, pulled pork, chorizo, plant-based)
A cop-out? Absolutely not.
The protein is the star of the show. The ultimate burrito filling. The Sarah Paulson of American Horror Story. The Mila Kunis of Black Swan (oooh controversial). The crippling anxiety of Sunday afternoons. The table chips of pub sessions.
Without the seasoned, hefty protein, the burrito will still be a delight but it won’t be pulling in millions to star in a reboot of Baywatch, y’know?
Alright enough of this, it’s past my food time and I’m famished. If anyone needs me I’ll be skipping the queue (peacefully, no elbows, through the use of an app) at Mad Mex and gorging myself on the best burrito your inexperienced little peepers ever did see.
