The alfoil is your friend; only peel back a small amount of alfoil, don’t completely remove the alfoil, this will be very tempting if it’s your first burrito. Burritos and alfoil are like sharks and suckerfish, they need each other. It’s a whole symbiotic relationship thing; David Attenborough can explain it better than me. Burritos and alfoil are the Avril Lavinge and Chad Kroger of the food world, a unlikely but, successful match. Never peel back more than an inch of alfoil, because Burritos aren’t born with skeletons, they need the alfoil to support them. Alfoil is the backbone of every burrito, take that away and you’ll be scraping flaccid burrito off the table, like a noob. How embarrassment for you.
Burritos are a very napkin heavy meal, I like to use napkins as drop sheets when I eat a burrito,I can’t risk spilling guac on on $7 Big W jeans. Now is not the time to skimp on napkins, I like two on my lap, and at least four for mouth dabbing as I proceed through the burrito. You should not wear lipstick if you are planning on having a burrito, you’ll be wiping your face more than a sweaty, southern preacher, so apply your lippy post burrito. If at all. I’m sure you’re a stunner anyway.
If you get beans in your burrito, keep your afternoon clear of long hikes in the bush away from amenities, I won’t go into more detail on that. We’re all adults here.
Burrito is not a taco, nor is it a fajita, so make sure you know what you’re getting, they’re all different and unique, like the Kardashians, similar, but different. Don’t get them mixed up. A burrito is a tortilla filled with awesome, I don’t know what the others are I always just get a burrito, once I find excellence I stick with it.
Never use a knife and fork to eat a burrito, this is a worse food faux pas than asking for tomato sauce at a fancy restaurant. Save yourself bucket loads of embarrassment and just tuck in with your hands. Burritos, like chips are a hand food. You’re not being posh by using a knife and fork, you’re demonstrating that it’s your first burrito and you probably weren’t very cool in high school.
Burritos are not a first date food, nachos can be, tacos can be, but never order a burrito, they’re a sure fire way to end up with sour cream on your best date shirt or dress. Burritos are a relationship food, eat them when you’re really comfortable with someone. If they’ll eat a burrito in front of you, then perhaps it’s time to throw away your little black book, as it’s probably heading to, ‘what do you want to call our Labrador?’ territory.
Burritos, like icy poles are eaten in the vertical position therefore, thanks to gravity some sauce will inevitably gather in the bottom of your alfoil wrapper, this newly formed mega sauce, is a mix of all the awesome stuff from your burrito, it’s like the Captain Planet of sauces, it’s the perfect place to dip chips, never try and pour the sauce into your mouth, it makes you look like a pelican and there’s a very high risk of spillage associated with this advanced manoeuvre. Experienced players only.
Words by Mel Buttle.
Because a burrito could be the ticket to ending world hunger, Australian comedienne Mel Buttle is lending her support to Zambrero Mexican restaurants on their annual Plate 4 Plate Day tomorrow September 4th, where for every burrito or bowl sold, Zambrero will donate 2 meals to someone in need. So far they’ve donated over 3 million meals throughout Australia, Africa, Asia and the Americas.
