Frozen chips are an odd thing, when you think about it. They’re already cooked. But you have to re-cook them. I don’t know why that screws with my head so much, but it does.

And yet, they are one of life’s true treats. The only thing is, there are a fucktonne of types you can buy. Each sounding far better than the last.

I decided a few weeks back that it should be a civil duty of mine to try all the types of frozen chips I could find at my local supermarket. Then, last week I learned about Mip’s Chips, this woman on Instagram who has been road testing them for ages.

It is, obviously, worth checking out her feed. I am yet to do this because I want to go into my own review unbiased and without any external influence.

I know there is a surprising amount of Birds Eye, but it turns out my local is suffering from some extreme panic buying of frozen chips. WILD TIMES. I got the last pack of those Super Crunchy ones, and three McCain types were sold out.

Still, I said I’d road test what I could find, right? Here we go – first each chip in order for you:

From left to right: McCain Beer Battered, Birds Eye Crinkle, Birds Eye Beer Battered, Birds Eye Super Crunch, Birds Eye Golden Crunch.

6. Birds Eye Crinkle Cut

This was my least favourite chip, which surprised me because I always thought I preferred crinkle cut chips over normal ones, just because crinkly!!! Cool looking!!!

But sadly, I found these quite bland and not very crispy. Weirdly, these were my sister’s favourite – which either proves we are all different, or that she has no tastebuds.

I need to also show you my dog trying to fucking scavenge some piping hot chips off the tray:

nice fucking try, Moo

Crunch Rating: 4/10

Texture Rating: 7/10

Flavour Rating: 4/10

5. Birds Eye Beer Battered

On the flip side, I always thought I hated beer battered chips? These didn’t exactly prove me wrong, but I was shocked I preferred them over the crinkles.

That being said, I found these a little floppy and too starchy for my liking. But the taste was great – whatever the seasoning was may have been the best of the bunch.

Crunch Rating: 4/10

Texture Rating: 5/10

Flavour Rating: 8/10

4. Birds Eye Golden Crunch

I found it very weird that Birds Eye have both Golden Crunch and Super Crunch. Like, how do you choose between those two? What is the difference?

I can actually tell you – the difference is Golden Crunch has a more flavoursome coating. Which I did enjoy, but found the rest of the chip a bit too starchy.

Crunch Rating: 6/10

Texture Rating: 3/10

Flavour Rating: 8/10

3. Birds Eye Super Crunch

This chip LOOKED the shittiest on the tray, can you believe. It looked like the chips you’d get at the ice skating rink as a kid, or at Little Athletics. Like, has been in the freezer for too long/undercooked vibes.

But, surprisingly, it was really, really nice. “Potatoey” as my dad said, and with a suprisingly crisp coating. Surprising because they looked shit – I shouldn’t really have been shocked since they’re called ‘Super Crunch’.

These were my dad’s favourite, by the way. He ate like thirty.

Crunch Rating: 8/10

Texture Rating: 8/10

Flavour Rating: 7/10

2. McCain Beer Battered

These were by far the most natural-tasting of all the frozen chips. As in, these tasted the least like “freezer”, had the best texture (like you’d actually cut up potatoes to make the chips) and were probably the tastiest potato-wise.

They’re very potatoey – not starchy, which is a real plus. If you wanted an authentic chippie, these are my pick.

Crunch Rating: 7.5/10

Texture Rating: 10/10

Flavour Rating: 8/10

1. Birds Eye Microwave Chips

CAN!!! YOU!!! FUCKEN!!! BELIEVE!!!! IT!!!! Microwave chips took out the TOP GONG for me and I am just as shook as you are, friends.

When I first saw these, I thought for SURE they would roundhouse kick the others outta the ballpark to take out the loser spot on this list. How could you possibly microwave chips – IN THE BOX – and have them come out anything less than a soggy, sweaty mess?

Turns out you can. I don’t know what dark magic Birds Eye used to do it, but these were by far the crunchiest chip of the bunch. They tasted amazing, they looked amazing, it was all amazing.

Crunch Rating: 10/10

Texture Rating: 8.5/10

Flavour Rating: 9/10