Over the past few years, Fairfax‘s ‘My Day on a Plate‘ column, which profiles public figures’ daily eating habits for some reason, has stealthily but steadily become one of its most controversial recurring features. It’s not unreasonable to say that the controversy traces back to one Pete Evans, celebrity chef and enemy of carbs, WiFi, and blinking, whose contribution to the column ruined the term “activated” for the foreseeable future.
Sorry Pete Evans but your “Day on a Plate” hurt my head pic.twitter.com/bjWZm4x6Z0
— Christopher McEleny (@ChrisMcEleny) October 18, 2018
Happily, the psychotic paleo chef’s absurd litany of fantasy meals (alkalised water, emu meatballs and cultured veggies, anyone?) also set up the Australian public in our new favourite pastime: taking the piss out of My Day on a Plate contributors.
Since then, we’ve been blessed with Miranda Kerr‘s batty mum Therese and her “glass of reverse osmosis (alkalised, mineralised) water with magnesium powder, vitamin C powder, sinc and selenium liquid” (yummy!!), and GOOP-endorsed Moon Juice owner Amanda Chantal Bacon‘s chi drink infused with “Brain Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin“.
But now, friends, rejoice, for we have finally been blessed with a My Day on a Plate instalment that we can all relate to.
This magnificent piece of non-violent protest against food-based fuckwittery comes courtesy Circus Oz Rock Bang artist Astrid Rot.
Rot is a member of comedy duo Die Roten Punkte, who teamed up with Circus Oz last year to create a circus-accompanied rock opera. She’s also a lady after my very own heart.
Please – read:
— Henrietta Cook (@henriettacook) November 4, 2018
In case you didn’t catch that, Astrid’s day on a plate consists of the following:
5.30am Breakfast is a juicy lamb kebab while I walk back to my hotel from a night out.
8am Two big mugs of sleepy time tea and two biscuits before I fall asleep watching TV.
3pm My second breakfast is pancakes with bananas, blueberries and a lot of maple syrup, plus a big pot of coffee and two Beroccas in water.
4pm I go for a bike ride through Fitzroy Gardens but am fined for not wearing a helmet so I decide to get an ice-cream and walk home.
5pm More coffee and two biscuits.
6pm Lunch (or maybe this is dinner?) is gnocchi napoli. I then go see a movie, during which I have two beers and some popcorn.
Unsurprisingly, Twitter has responded very favourably to the kebab-heavy meal plan.
Omg she’s my hero
— Nicole Schleicher (@nicschleicher) November 4, 2018
This column has completely washed the memory of Pete Evans from my mind, and for this, Astrid, I am forever grateful. I raise a 5:30am kebab in your honour.