Don’t tell my climate activist friends, but I’m a little bit of an Ali Express fiend. I have tried one too many times to kick the habit, but they keep advertising the weirdest shit to me on social media, and I can’t help but get sucked in all over again. So I’ve decided to round up some of the weirdest things the website has advertised to me.
Like Wish, you can literally buy anything on this website from a Dome Home to a Joseph Stalin head. One time I bought something called simulation chips, and while it was not what I expected, I was still very happy with the purchase.
McDonald’s Touch Screen
For just $1,331.70 Dollarydoos you can buy yourself a Macca’s touch screen. Would it even work if you put one in your house? No clue. But it’s taking every fibre of my being not to purchase one, because as I said, I’m an Ali Express fiend.
Spongebob Themed Dome Home
Who lives in a Spongebob home above the ground? No one, because who wants to buy a tiny home for AU $5,000 (including shipping)???
The Gift Of Nothing
This is the perfect gift for your rich, private school friend who is impossible to buy for because they literally own everything. It’s also an incredibly shady gift and therefore perfect to give to someone that you kind of hate, but are too chicken to cut them off.
US Grade Viagra
Not that Viagra is a particularly random thing to buy, but when it’s accompanied by a stock photo of a UPS guy holding a box, and a weird stock photo meme, you do have to question what exactly is in this US grade viagra. Buy it at your own risk, but the random photos are enough to convince me to make the Ali Express purchase.
Do Not Order This
If this is some attempt at reverse psychology, it’s working. Because telling me not to buy something makes me really want to buy it. But judging from the reviews anyone who ordered these mysterious pink items never received it. So I guess do not order means this product will never arrive. But surely just delete the product then?
Also upon closer inspection it looks like these mysterious pink products are meant for kegal exercises. Basically, kegal exercises help strengthen your pelvic floor because having a few bebes can weaken your pelvic floor muscles.
Outdoor Sex Pants For Women
I feel like this product is pretty self explanatory. These are yoga pants with a pussy hole installed. So next time you decide to get down and dirty in a public park, you won’t have to bother taking off your pants. According to one of the comments, if you buy these pants there’s plenty of “outdoor fun ahead.” EW.
Joseph Stalin 12-inch Head
As you can see I’ve saved the best for last. I think this head has been advertised to me by Ali Express over ten times, and of course I click the link every time. I’ve always been a bee’s dick away from purchasing, but I’m low-key worried that the Australian government will flag me as a communist.
My favourite thing about this product is the comments. The second image looks possessed, and I don’t want to know what’s going on in the third.
“Thank you for comrade Stalin.” No, thank you for the nightmares.