Opposition leader Tony Abbott has today launched his bid to be Prime Minister, outlining his plans for the LNP if elected in to government on September 7. After months of touting the suspiciously ambiguous “Real Solutions” pamphlet, and dodging Real Talk questions about policies like an Ex-prime minister in the face of a salami sandwich, Tony Abbott has finally announced plans for the Coalition’s “positive plans for the future”, while saying—in a speech that was clearly written by the Daily Telegraph—that it’s “Time to kick out the worst government in history.”
Unlike the Leader’s Debate that introduced little, Mr Abbott today announced three new policies: a HECS style loan for young apprentices seeking to buy tools and equipment; indexing seniors’ card holders thresholds to broaden access to discounted medicine, and he plainly stated that the LNP would repeal the carbon tax from day one.
In a statement that made this whole #auspol circus sound like a choice of simply picking sides and teams in the playground, Mr Abbott said, “To Labor voters wondering why your party has sold its soul to the Greens; to Green voters wondering why your party has embraced socialism over environmentalism; to independent voters wondering why your MP has sided with a bad government, to everyone who has been let down and embarrassed by the circus in Canberra, I say: give my team a chance.’’
Deputy Leader Julie Bishop also tried to echo the sentiments of Tony Abbott, by stating that Kevin Rudd has “multiple personalities” and likened him to The Hulk, which was obviously intended as a snarky insult but actually just sounds fucking awesome…?
Bringing his daughters along to provide a completely unbiased opinion on their Dad, Frances Abbott described the opposition leader as a “Netball Dad” and when he regularly comes to support their Forest Netball Club, he
trolls calls out from the side line, “Run, Forest, Run.” Tony, pls.
Meanwhile, Former PM John Howard was obviously in attendance, donning his happy frog face that is a meme waiting to happen, clawing at his thigh desperately. Not sure if what’s going on here is actually human behaviour, but at least Julie Bishop probably doesn’t think Mr Howard is The Hulk, phew: