You guys you guys you guys you guys it’s my favourite event of the YEEEEEEAR! The fucken 2019 Logies! I am so fucking pumped to spend a solid 3 hours on the best-worst thing that happens annually – the stench of desperation from mildly relevant TV personalities jostling for attention on the red carpet is filling my nostrils. It’s a Good Day. I was so pumped for the Logie Awards red carpet coverage, in fact, that I possibly bullied our Sunday night editor into leaving it for me to cover. I may be heading to HR after I finish this.

A few quid pro quos before we begin.

1. Enough with the “uhurrrr Pedestrian trying to be Fashion Critical” ok? Fashion fucken Critical did not invent award show style critique. If we want to go down that road I’m gonna say Go Fug Yourself did (RIP their golden years, 2003-2010). Everyone can co-exist, the end.

2. I know what 20% of these celebrities do and I am not going to Google in the hopes of discovering what the other 80% do. Who cares! I don’t! You probably don’t! Unless you are one of them – shout out to the kids TV host who last year roasted me on Twitter for not knowing who they were!

Okay? Okay. Let’s get fucking into it guys, coz it’s a good year for overly-elaborate-ball-gowns-at-what-is-otherwise-a-mediocre-event!

GEORGIA LOVE

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Georgia Love is the Poiples Princess of Australia and you cannot tell me otherwise. You are only allowed to wear ballgowns like this to the Logies if you are the Poiples Princess. See: Lisa McCune, Georgie Parker.

SAM MAC

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Who is this guy? I don’t know but you bet your sweet bippy I’m going to make a very uneducated guess – I bet he’s in sportsing, maybe some aged presenter from 1979 who is still kicking and says things like “and it’s a GOAL for Australia YES and crikey, what a goal that was, look at that raw talent, you don’t see that these days boys. Reminds me of my time in the Eagles in 75”.

Anyway get ready for Mels-mildly-probbo-sexual-fantasy-hour because velvet suits do something for me, and this guy is in my top 10 “men creepily turning me on” Logies tally.

AMANDA KELLER

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Back when I did the Brownlow fashion wrap someone wore a dress with this pattern and I said it looked like dead skin cells. I will repeat that sentiment and add that it makes me wildly itchy.

HEIDI LATCHAM

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I COULD say “this is Heidi and she is a forgotten 2 minute reality star from MAFS” but while this is true, I cannot condemn someone who is at the died-in-the-butt tail end of their fame latching on to any and all opportunities to relish in the flash of paparazzi cameras, OK? If I were Heidi, I’d be rocking up to this bitch too. Because she sure as shit won’t be invited next year.

Outfit wise this dress looks like something from the very first episode of Project Runway, by which I mean it was made in 30 minutes by someone who had a huge tanty because Laurel stole her bolt of material and now she’s gotta work with SATIN for fuck’s sake.

LIZZIE SOBINOFF

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If this isn’t by Logie favourite J’Aton Couture I’ll eat my sock.

ERIN MOLAN

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This is the exact face and outfit I would wear if I answered the door to the police after murdering my husband, Noooo, officer, there is no dead body buried in the basement, would you like a whiskey and a cigar? Ooh, you men in uniform are so HANDSOME.

FRANKIE J. HOLDEN

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This guy looks like he’s another sportsing hero turned brash commentator, but I have to give props to any man who turns up a) not in a boring black tux and b) throws peace signs on the red carpet.

COSTA GEORGIADIS

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Oh my god, Costa, marry me you grizzly babe. And never remove that living garden vest, even when it starts to rot.

JAN FRAN

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Oh my god I want to get really, really high and then just stroke this tinsel beauty of a dress for several hours while being hand-fed greasy nachos.

GEORGIA GARDNER

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I fucking LOVE when all the newsreaders turn up in their glad rags! It’s so novelty! And they always look so chic with a little spicy sexiness thrown in there, like they’re relishing the opportunity to escape the clutches of their news style team and embrace their true fashion personality.

KSENIJA LUKICH

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Ksenija is that person who hosts stuff, I think maybe once she did an MTV show, but I could be making that up. Regardless this dress is pretty gorge but I just have an ISSUE with trains at the Logies, because it’s the Logies? Can you imagine walking into like Bob’s Pub & Burger Diner, where I imagine the after party is held, in this. Can you.

SAM FROST

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On one hand, I praise Sam for not wearing a ball gown and opting for something more cocktail. On the other hand, I have never warmed to tuxedo dresses because it always looks like you lost your pants.

On a new hand that I’ve miraculously grown just for this review – there’s shimmery legs and then there’s “prepping to deep fry my calves”.

SOPHIE MONK

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Fuck me UP with this Bladerunner realness, Sophie! If you’re going to take the Logies red carpet to the OTT level, this is all that’s acceptable. Also you need to be Sophie Monk to do so, I think. This is like the Beast Mode of red carpet fashion.

AVA NICODEMOU

Everything about Ava’s strained-smile here says “I wish to all the gods for my stylist to burn in hell for accidentally twinning me with Sophie fucking Monk”.

GUY & JULES SEBASTIAN

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OK I know I said I really appreciate when the guys wear something other than black tuxes but I didn’t mean turn up like a slick Hugh Hefner complete with velvet loafers, OK? Also the wearing of a jacket with nothing underneath gives me horrible flashbacks to the time I was 9 and wore a hoodie to Mufti Day with no top underneath, and it turned out to be 35C. Like what does Guy do at the after party? Just whip his jacket off and dance around shirtless?

Actually, that is something I would pay to see, Guy Sebastian thrusting his way around a dance floor with just red pants on.

BOY GEORGE

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Boy George is too good for this event and only there because contractually obliged, and thinks everyone is a peasant. He has said all of this purely through his large glittery fedora.

DELTA GOODREM

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Our Delta is a pro at this shit, this isn’t her first fucking rodeo and she knows how to a) look phenomenal and b) not look like a loo roll doll at the Logies. Brief zesty aside – what the fuck are those things, loo dolls? Who invented them? Why do we want our toot paper to look like a tiny Edwardian headmistress with a dark secret?

“I’ve been having an affair with your rich father, child, and am slowly poisoning him with cyanide”

Anyway, Delta looks amazing, was the point of this ramble.

LEILA MCKINNON

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You know what, many would say this is FoulTown Arizona, but *if* the dress part were made of not-Spotlight-material I think I could fuck with this. The puffy sleeves are A Lot but – and maybe this is just because I just recapped a lot of the more boring outfits – I don’t hate them???

But they would also be really satisfying to rip off her shoulders in a rage, and I do wish someone did that, just out of nowhere DRAMA that this red carpet needed, IMO.

KELLY ROWLAND

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Great dress, but all I really want to know is – Kelly, are you still texting via Excel Document?

RAY MEAGHER

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What a DELIGHTFULLY DAPPER GENTLEMAN, Alf always scrubs up well.

LEIGH SALES

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Hard-hitting journos in their spangly glad rags, Christ it’s a good time! I really do hope with all my soul that Leigh took this baby for a spin on the dance floor, and maybe made out with Costa Georgiadis in the back corner after a few too many tequilas.

BROOKE BONEY

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Did I wear a version of this dress to my Year 12 formal? Yes. Is that suddenly chic again because the 00s are back baby? Also yes. Big Year-2000-Millennium-chic mood here, Brooke.

TODD SAMPSON

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I briefly broke my cardinal rule of not Googling people because I HAD to know who was trying to make a strong political statement at the fucking LOGIES. It’s a doco guy who works for The Project. Look, props for backing the journos of Oz but also… I mean. You know. It’s the Logies.

LISA WILKINSON

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I find Lisa Wilkinson very intimidating so I will say this gently, for fear of being smoted. I don’t know why Plucka Duck had to die to make that neckline.

CHANTELLE OTTEN AND DYLAN ALCOTT

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Hell yeah for another non-standard-issue-borza-suit! Also, this is exactly how you turn up to the Logies when you’re not famous – Chantelle is the MVP of here-to-support-my-partner-but-als0-casually-look-babetown-as-an-aside.

BRYAN BROWN

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Who ISN’T sexually awakened by Bryan Brown in a suit. If it’s you, you’re lying.

SIGRID THORNTON

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Who ISN’T sexually awakened by Sigrid Thornton in a velvet suit. If it’s you, you’re lying too.

KATE PECK

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Again, fairly sure my best friend wore some iteration of this to the 2005 formal, and again – this is a good thing for Kate because the 00s are trending.

WALEED ALY

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If homeboy came through with a normal jacket, it’d be quiet. But homeboy came through with this velvet jacket so he can like… get it.

YVIE JONES & RICHARD REID

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Oh god these two are hundo p the kind to have a Google Alert on their names and will pore over this with rage – but I’m just gonna say it. Yvie and Richard are the red carpet equivalent of people who get on the bus and loudly screech their conversation about their sexscapade the night before so the entire bus has to listen, even if they have noise-cancelling headphones on.

That being said I actually rate both their outfits, particularly Richard’s floral suit and Yvie’s velvet clutch. You hear that, you guys! Please don’t murder me and roast my body on a sacrificial pyre for further attention, I beg you.

CARRIE BICKMORE

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Carrie – the other Poiples Princess, therefore the only other person allowed to be in this level of ball gown at the Logies.

RYAN CORR

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OOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFTTTTTT my tongue just did the “pssst” saliva thing it does when you see salt and vinegar chips, except I just saw Ryan Corr’s face.

Also, since this is meant to be about fashion (lol dream on this is just my diary now) gotta give props for that jacquard jacket.

SONIA KRUGER

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Sonia’s a vampire and you can’t tell me otherwise – she’s like my Mum’s age and yet I think if we stood side by side, people would say I was the aged spinster sister to her sprightly 20-something go-getter party gal. That being said did this actually spicy gown need the bolt of useless arm material? No it did not. Burn that.

CHERYL & GRANT DENYER

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Guys I think Grant Denyer’s malfunctioning.

OSHER GUNSBERG

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IT’S THE POIPLES PRINCE!!!!! IN NAVY JACQUARD!!!!! CARRYING… is that a ViewMaster?

omg

OSHIE IS THAT A VIEWMASTER, I NEED TO KNOW.

ROHAN NICHOL

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Look at this spicy crustacean pirate.

LIVINIA NIXON

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Fun fact: Livinia can never drop her arm, because if she does she’ll be stabbed a trillion times over by the broken car window her stylist wrapped across the top of her dress. It’s secretly a torture instrument she will use on her enemies should she lose tonight. Congratulations hug turned MURDERRRR.

REBECCA HARDING

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What I’d wear to greet police after murdering my husband, version 2.0.

HAMISH BLAKE & ZOE FOSTER-BLAKE

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Hamish: fine

Zoe Foster-Blake: Goddamn, best on ground, I need this dress like I need 2L of coffee in the morning. Also THE CLUTCH. Also the ACTUALLY GOOD SPRAY TAN. Mom Mom Mom Mommmmmm.

JULIA MORRIS

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I kind of want Julia to do messy waves with this dress, but it’s nonetheless GREAT – very slick, very chic.

SHAYNNA BLAZE

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You say Shaynna’s dress is Too Much. Me, an intellectual, has worked out that Shaynna has secretly smuggled her dog into the Logies underneath that skirt.

ERIN MCNAUGHT

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Dress: fuck yes. “I fell asleep on the beach in Phuket for 72 hours with no sunscreen on” tan? ….

ANNA HEINRICH & TIM ROBARDS

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Anna’s gorgeous spangly dress? Probably J’Aton Couture, probably worth $4 million dollars bc made of real crystal or something. Managing to score continual invites to the Logies even though no one entirely knows what makes you relevant to the TV industry anymore? priceless.

BONNIE ANDERSON

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There’s no excuse for a train like this, not even if you smuggled 40 puppies into the Logies.

SANDRA SULLY

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SANDRA YOU FOXYMORON my god, what a mood.

NATARSHA BELLING

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NATARSHA YOU FOXYMORON, also a mood – I actually love this hard and reckon she might be up against Zoe for best on ground.

GEORGINA LEWIS

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This woman is either a news journo or a Neighbours star, either way I ADORE this jumpsuit, I want it, I need it. Great outfit choice.

CHRIS BATH

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I mean, it’s standard but it’s nice. I’m still tickled by serious-news-person-in-formal-wear.

KAT STEWART

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I adore Kat Stewart, I miss Offspring, and I love this structural dress.

JACKIE WOODBURNE & KARL KENNEDY (ALAN FLETCHER)

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MOM AND DAD.

ISABELLA GIOVINAZZO

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I’m so torn here because I do really like this, but I’m also just hyper aware of those side bits in the strappy bit that are masquerading as a g-banger on display.

OLYMPIA VALLANCE

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I always see Olympia on Daily Mail, and I still have NFI who she is or what show she is on, if any. Is she Holly Valance’s sister? I do not know, but I do know this dress is pretty great except for the fact it has a weird stepped hem.

RYAN MOLONEY

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Props to all these dudes wearing suits with a bit of zesty pizazz! Thanks, Toadie you CURSED MAN.

OLIVIA JUNKEER

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Let’s play guess-who-this-random-is! I think she’s a fresh face on Neighbours, likely playing some new high school student with a dark secret – either a secret child or a secret affair with a teacher.

On the fashion side of things I really like this – I think this is exactly what you should wear when you’re fresh into the Logies for the first time (maybe, I don’t know bc I refuse to Google) and you want SOME attention but not “I’m in a discarded wedding gown” attention.

APRIL ROSE PENGILLY

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YESSSSSS to this 100/10 Barbie realness! Have I mentioned how much I love pink in this article yet? No? I love pink. But my favourite is when someone teams the perfect hot pink with fire-engine red. Look at those shoes. I’m even forgiving the mullet train because the whole thing is so perfectly 80s nostalgia, it actually works.

ROB MILLS

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Two thoughts – I am unsure about white tux jackets but again, props for not being boring. Also, has Rob Mills managed to grip onto relevancy by the tips of his fingernails for long enough for Australian Idol to become nostalgic and therefore make him actually relevant again? I think he has.

JESSICA MAUBOY

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A HEAVENLY VISION. The only thing I’d add is some gold jewellery and maybe a gold clutch. But still – 10/10.

CHRISTIAN WILKINS

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Do you know what is wild, my one gripe with this is that the cowboy boots look too new. Something about fresh, shiny cowboy boots feels so off to me. So unnerving. Like seeing a clown standing in your front yard.

RON IDDLES

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OMG guys it’s Ron Iddles – GOOD COP! The podcast lord and motherfucking BOSS of detective work! I’m sorry, I’m a true crime nerd and I am more excited by this guy than anyone else – Tom Gleeson, give your Gold Logie to this guy please.

ANGIE KENT

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Look, when you’re the next Bachelorette and also not really famous enough for people to just recognise you off the bat, you need to really shove the fact that you’re The Next Bachelorette down peoples throats by dressing exactly like a rose.

COLIN FASSNIDGE 

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Mmmmm, sexy chef man in a suit. Colin, you can…. boil…. my… potatoes (??) any time you want. You can… saute…. my garlic (??) at any hour.

I’m so sorry. I’ll see myself out.

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