We’ve partnered with Victorian Transport Accident Commission (TAC) to make sure you guys are acting like a #VeryIntelligentPedestrian at this year’s Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Too many of us are having slip ups using our phones while walking, so make sure you don’t get distracted getting to ’n from shows.
So you’ve decided to come hang out at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. You’ve made a very wise choice.
The festival, along with Montreal and Edinburgh, is one of the “Big 3” comedy festivals in the world, and draws in thousands of punters from all corners of the globe.
This year, the festival’s 31st, there are 556 shows operating out of well over 100 venues. The festival practically consumes the entire city. And while you might be hard at work scribbling in your guide and trying to sort out your schedules and stacking shows on shows on shows, there are some things you might’ve missed. Like, for example, putting aside time to do pesky things like “eat” or “walk between venues” or “get home at the end of each night.” Y’know, pesky, minor details.
Luckily for you, you are looking through the screen at a seasoned festival veteran (hello I see u) who has spent years perfecting the art of weaving through crowds and navigating the flyerers at Town Hall and making the trek from ACMI to Trades Hall without missing a joke or a good feed.
Here, in handy, digestible form, is your super good guide to eating, drinking, and getting around safely at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival like a goddamned pro.
GETTING FROM THEATRE TO THEATRE LIKE IT AIN’T NO THANG
Like we said earlier, there’s 100+ venues being used in the festival. That’s a lot. There’s giant ornate ballrooms seating hundreds, and tiny hole-in-the-wall storage spaces that seat 20. They are all over the place, too. Just cop a squizz at this map of some of them.
And those are just the ones inside the greater Melbourne CBD. Yikes.
The point is, without a little careful planning you could find yourself up shit creek with tickets to consecutive shows on opposite ends of the city. Hell, even the most savvy of comedy festival punters often find themselves with 10 minutes to make a 20 minute trip. So how do you get there in time to avoid having the comic awkwardly rinse you for walking in mid-set?
Option 1: Piloting the ole’ Foot Falcon.
The Melbourne CBD is a lovely, logical grid system, and getting from Flinders Street Station to the top end of Victoria Street should only take you about 20 minutes. TAC are being extra helpful during the fest by lighting up pedestrian crossings with LED lights, and sending out legit life-sized green walking men and the lollipop ladies we so loved from school. If you can’t be a safe pedestrian with all this help on hand, reassess yourself.
The bulk of the CBD venues are, mercifully, contained in the eastern side of Swanston Street, so traversing between them (safely) shouldn’t see you breaking too much of a sweat. Major hub venues Melbourne Town Hall and the Victoria Hotel are quite literally around the corner from each other. It’s a good chance to stretch the legs between sets.
Option 2: The Blessed Free Tram Zone.
The entire Melbourne CBD sits within the Free Tram Zone, meaning you don’t even need a ticket to hop on/hop off. This is especially handy if you need to get from one end of the city to another in a big hurry. Any tram heading up Swanston Street is your friend, and the 86 & 96 trams heading up Bourke Street towards Parliament will ferry you practically to the doorstep of city fringe venues like The Imperial.
Option 3: The Mighty Train
Gotta get from the Forum to the Imperial in double time? Head to Flinders St Station and navigate the Melbourne City Loop like you built the thing yourself. During the week, certain train lines (like the Sunbury or the Craigieburn) run the loop in reverse, meaning it’ll only take you one stop to get from Flinders to Parliament – right at the Imperial’s doorstep – rather than taking a scenic lap of the ~wonderful~ financial district at night. The departure boards at the train platforms are your friend. Use them wisely.
While you’re probs using your phone to find your way from A to B, look up when you’re crossing the road rather than annoying people who, shock horror, also have places to be. You’re not the only one playing the MICF game.
PUT FOOD IN ME
Photo: Facebook / Lord Of The Fries.
Comedy Festival is a task in itself. But unfortunately having a dedicated dinner is one of those things that falls by the wayside when you’re in between shows.
8-Bit Burger – 231 Swanston St
Sure, the plethora of big chain fast food options is absolutely at your disposal. But if you’re keen to get stuck in to a burger that Ronald hasn’t dipped his finger in, then head up Swanston St to 8-Bit. Good burgers and shakes, quick service, and it’s open till 11pm every night. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Lord of the Fries – Various CBD locations
On the subject of fast food, if you’re after something a little more vegetarian or vegan-friendly, the blessed LotF should be sworn by. Hot fries in multiple locations (the Swanston St one is particularly convenient for nights spent at Town Hall) and vege-o burgers and hot dogs. It’s cheap. It’s filling. And you’ll be on your way to the next gig within 10 minutes. Genius.
The Supper Club – 1/161 Spring St
The fanciest of all late-night options, Supper Club is one of the city’s tucked-away best and a comedy festival staple. They often stay open as late as 6am, and honestly who doesn’t froth at the thought of getting stuck into a plate of oysters or a hellishly great croque monsieur and sucking the business end off a fancy red or a smoky whisky while sinking into a luxurious leather couch at an hour of the night that would thoroughly disappoint your Mum?
Shujinko – 225 Russell St
24-hour ramen. Twenty. Four. Hour. Ramen. As in, a really good ramen joint that literally never closes. The cult restaurant that initially opened up without an “official” English name has since been rebranded Shujinko. But it remains the same old good-as option for when the soup craving hits at 5:10am. Let’s see ’em try and pull something like that off up in Sydney.
Whatever The Hell The New Takeaway Joint Where The Old Golden Tower Used To Be Is Called – Swanston St
The legendary Golden Towers is sadly no more. What once was a glorious, shimmering bug zapper, hypnotically luring in pissed comics with its promises of lukewarm dimsims and other assorted delights from the holy bain marie is sadly no more. But in its place has risen another takeaway joint, because what else could it ever be? I personally have not yet been bold enough to try this new regime’s offerings. But having walked past there numerous times I can tell you the pizzas in the window look entirely ok, and the prices seem to be comfortably in the “spare change” region. Catch my broken carcass wolfing down a slice of pepperoni late one sorry-ass night very soon.
HAVE A COLD ONE
Photo: Facebook / Imperial Melbourne.
One thing Melbourne is not lacking in is places to whet the whistle, and MICF only piles on more options for y’all (there’s also a list of venues you can get free drinks and food with tickets here). Whether you’re keen to have a quick bevvy between shows, or if you’ve got a couple of hours to kill before that late night showcase fires up, or if you’re done for the night and are keen to settle in for a precious bevington or two, you absolutely cannot go wrong with any of these.
Festival Club – Max Watt’s, 125 Swanston St
The heart and soul of loose behaviour at ComFest, Festival Club takes over Max Watt’s every night of the festival with a late night show beginning at around 10pm. After that, the chairs get pushed out of the way and the D-Floor gets attention as comedians and punters alike begin filtering in to shake their respective mothers bestowed upon them until the sun comes up. You haven’t been to Comedy Festival without going at least once.
Hairy Little Sista – 240 Little Collins St
If you feel like doing a little comic-spotting in a (slightly) more subdued environment, Hairy Little Sista is the spot for you. The hole-in-the-wall CBD bar and venue acts as something of a holding pen for comics who are either waiting for the show at Festival Club to finish before wandering in, or those who feel like both having a drink and sitting down. Good spirits, good beer, comfortable seating. It’s a tick in every box.
Belleville – Globe Alley
Fancy a cocktail? The spacious Belleville has got you covered. A solid and extensive cocktail list accompanies a surprisingly full late night food menu at a location that’s both out-of-the-way and right in the middle of things. The if-you’re-not-looking-for-it-you’ll-miss-it entrance is tucked down an unseal alleyway and a single flight of stairs will put you smack dab in the middle of the action. A good place to spend an hour or two.
The Imperial Hotel – Corner of Spring St and Bourke St
The best thing about comedy is that it usually goes down in places that already have bars. Who would’ve bloody known! The Imperial Hotel is not only the largest independently-run venue hub in the comedy festival, but it’s a damned fine pub in its own right. It’s just undergone major renovations, and the new rooftop beer garden will give you a world-beating view of ground-level bustle while you sip on an ice cold pint.
The Curtin – 29 Lygon St
Directly opposite Trades Hall is one of the best pubs in the city, and one that’s practically a second home for this writer in particular. The Curtin – full name: John Curtin Hotel – is a warm, welcoming, no-frills, no-pretention, good honest rock n’ roll pub. It’s got a bar. It’s got places to sit. It’s got good tunes spinning on the decks. It’s got an absolute legend brigade staffing it. If you’re keen to round out your night by watching a rollicking live band after the comedy giggos, this is the place for you. Hell, even if you just want to post up for a while, you won’t find better. Love you 5ever, Curtin. Never leave me.
GET HOME SAFELY
Photo: Instagram / @tpworldtours.
The Comedy Festival nights tend to run fairly quickly into the wee hours (the best, weirdest shows are usually reserved for late night slots) and before you know you’ll often find yourself stepping bleary-eyed onto a CBD street at well beyond midnight.
On the weekends public transport has you well and truly sorted: All-night services operate on train and select tram lines every 30 minutes or so.
But on weeknights? It gets a bit trickier. At those hours scoring a cab isn’t the most difficult thing in the world: There are cab ranks very close to major venues at Flinders Street Station, Swanston Street near Flinders Street, Swanston Street near Lonsdale Street, and Bourke Street near Russell Street, to name but a few.
Uber is also a readily available option for you, but you’re more often than not better off hailing one to a main street (away from crabby taxi drivers) rather than up a laneway or on any street starting with “Little.”
Any of those options should see you ferried off home to dream land to catch some much needed Zs in preparation for doing it all again the next night.
Also, to help us cruise home safely, TAC have two activations running from Thursdays to Saturdays during the festival on the corner of Swanston Street and Collins Street. One’s going to be a LED Pedestrian Crossings ft. green LED strip lighting at the footpath to help guide pedestrians distracted by their phone that it’s safe to cross. The second is going to be a bunch of VIP Green Men to remind us to only cross when it’s, y’know, safe to do so.
You can get all the vital show details for the 2017 Melbourne International Comedy Festival via their website. We published a handy guide of our picks not too long ago.
Enjoy your festival, folks! It’s gonna be a ripper.
Photo: Seinfeld.
