You guys you guys you guys you fucken GUUUUYS! It’s my favourite day of the yeeeear! I barely slept last night because I am a SAD LOSER who hasn’t got enough in my life, and therefore gets excited about the 2019 Oscars and celebrities swanning down a red carpet decked out in haute couture and, in some cases, very bad haute couture bc they have stylists who want to secretly end them!
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This list will be updated for hours – I will dedicate literal hours of my workday to this – so please do come back again and again as the borza has-beens and D-listers trickle away into nothingness, stomping their little last season Prada shoes away into the abyss and making way for the real celebs.
Let’s get into it.
BRADLEY COOPER & IRINA SHAYK
From the front Irina’s dress is like… why are you in a skivvy. But from the back…
GodDAMN that’s amazing. Who decided to make the front a SKIVVY.
PAUL RUDD
As my Editor Josie said, “Is Paul Rudd ageing backwards?”
CHARLIZE THERON
Goddammit I love a backless long-sleeved gown, except in this instance when it looks like it was made out of A MATTRESS TOPPER.
RACHEL WEISZ
Ok you may say this looks hideous but jokes on you, bc if it rains Rachel is READY.
PHARRELL WILLIAMS & HELEN LASICHANH
I don’t… I mean… not even Pharrell can make an army print school uniform a good time at the Oscars.
SERENA WILLIAMS
Serena has smeared the blood of her tennis enemies across her chest then set it with sparkles, and frankly I’m equal parts terrified and in awe.
SZA
If this were the Grammys I’d give this look to SZA because it’s a hot mess, but it’s a SEXY hot mess, you know? But it’s not, it’s the Oscars, have some DECORUM, PUT AWAY THE WEIRD FAERIE COSPLAY CURLS.
ANNIE MAUDE STARKE
I want to pass this woman the Dermaid for the all-body eczema she’ll be experiencing c/o this level of sequin, but I also think she looks incred so, good job, hope the rash calms within 24 hours.
EMILY & ZOOEY DESCHANEL
Why do these two look like they’ve been jettisoned through the space-time continuum from 2001.
LUCY BOYNTON & RAMI MALEK
I was goddamn obsessed with Lucy’s BIBA outfits in Bohemian Rhapsody and I’m glad as shit that she is a style lord IRL. This is perfection, Rami is perfection, everyone else go home. Except Helen Mirren. You can stay, Helen.
STEPHAN JAMES
This guy stars in If Beale Street Could Talk, he also stars in my dreams as Hot And Well Dressed Lion Tamer Who Then Is Attracted To Me, The Equally Hot And Well Dressed Trapeze Artist And Then We Have Sex On The Trapeze.
SARAH PAULSON
It’s amazing what you can do with that old parachute you’ve got stored in the garage.
QUEEN LATIFAH
YES.
J.LO
J.LO absolutely cannot walk or move any part of her body but damn her human disco ball look is all-time, even when (I imagine) her “team” wedge one of those moving trolleys they have at IKEA under her feet to wheel her into the show.
LADY GAGA
I’m so… I mean I’m not UNDERwhelmed by Gaga here because the hips are structured and kind of amazing. I guess I’m just “whelmed” by her.
CHRIS EVANS
This colour isn’t my fave but props to Chris for wearing something that isn’t boring, and also involves velvet.
EMMA STONE
This dress looks like those things you put around nashi pears at the fruit and veg shop, except make it glitter.
CHADWICK BOSEMAN
I froth every guy on this red carpet who isn’t in a borza suit. SORRY, just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you get to NOT TRY. I am here eating my Pringles and I DEMAND SOME FASHION, OK? FROM EVERYONE. Thank you Chadwick for bothering to turn up the vibes on this bitch.
BRIE LARSON
Christ on a bike, this is eye-wateringly gorgeous. I am nothing if not a bowerbird except instead of blue I hoard sparkles and hot pink.
TESSA THOMPSON
This is so dreamy I might cry. I’m concerned she may take 2.5 hours to waddle into the ceremony with a skirt that unforgivingly narrow, but who cares when you look so heaven?
JORDAN PEELE & CHELSEA PERETTI
I just learned that Jordan & Chelsea are a couple and the squeal I sent into the office should not be heard by nature. That being said I am not a fan of Chelsea’s dress, you know how the adage is ‘blue and green should never be seen?’ Well let’s make it “everyone stop putting fucking black and white together in dress form”.
JASON MOMOA & LISA BONET
Aaaaand I’m pregnant.
DAVID OLYELOWO
Everyone remove what you’re wearing and all put on identical velvet suits to David Olyelowo’s, and we are good.
AMY ADAMS
These body-con, formed dresses alarm me – it looks like the person wearing them has grown a gown made of scales. Like I Am The Lizard Queen vibes.
HELEN MIRREN
This is angelic and Helen is a babe, and look how damn HAPPY she looks! You can’t critique a woman wearing fluoro who is twirling her skirt in such a joyous way. You just cannot. It’s illegal.
GEMMA CHAN
This is fucking adorable. Insane neck ruffle and all.
GLENN CLOSE
Oh Glenn. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, HOW DARE YOU. Why must everyone INSIST on attaching capes to their otherwise fine gowns, just wear the fucking gown! Stop adding useless lengths of sheet to your shoulders, for fucks SAKE.
ANGELA BASSETT
Hmmmmmmm… I mean Angela is a Queen and a half, THE Queen in some ways. And this is pink, and all I care about ever is pink. But I hate this. It looks stiff and ill-fitting and creased. Which like, I should forgive bc LA traffic is fucked and Ange was probs sitting in her limo for an hour praying her dress wouldn’t crease while she sat on it gingerly. But also SURELY her stylist could have a steamer on hand. The moral here is – always carry a steamer. Or someone invent a limo where they can strap you in vertically.
TINA FEY
Oh no. No no no no.
Even Tina looks unsure of this dress, which is just…. I don’t like it.
AMY POEHLER
Oh HELL yeah Amy Poehler! This is heaven. 10/10 heaven.
KACEY MUSGRAVES
This is frothy and ridiculous and reminds me of the scene in Big Fat Greek Wedding where Toula rips off the excess lace from her insane wedding dress. That is what I imagine Kacey doing later on when she’s a bottle of champers deep and feels like she’s being suffocated by tulle.
But also… it’s pink. I have a weird brain snap whenever I see pink and I simply cannot shit on pink gowns. Me, when faced with anything pink:
MAYA RUDOLPH
Some would say this looks like Maya took her ten-year-old child’s bedsheets and fashioned them into a dress with added ruffled cape. However I, the pink-obsesser, say it looks like a prairie dream and I’m even accepting the cape. I NEVER ACCEPT CAPES. I don’t know, I just love it. It’s fucking weird but there’s a bit of a 1960s cuteness about it and I DON’T CARE IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME, let’s meet in the alley outside my work and fight over it.
MELISSA MCCARTHY & BEN FALCONE
Does anyone else squeal with delight whenever you see these two? I’m obsessed with their relationship, which I imagine is perfect in every way, they never fight, and they invite other inferior couples over to their house for dinners, where they all chortle heartily but secretly the other couples are seething with jealousy because they’ll never be as happy as Melissa and Ben.
Wait, this was meant to be about fashion? Ok in that case I’ll tell you I fucking hate Melissa’s cape-cross-shirt bullshit – WHY are CAPES still HAPPENINGGGGG have we not learned from fashion victims of old? NEVER. CAPE. But the pants are divine – I KNEW this red carpet would be full of badass babes in tuxedos.
HENRY GOLDING
PHWOAAAAR HENRY YOU SEXUAL BEAST OF A MAN. Oh sorry – did I just objectify a male? Me, a woman who has experienced objectification for her entire life like every other fucken woman in the world? How dare I. Anyway, feminism moment over – I adore, ADORE, a full tuxedo when the moment fits, and Henry The Babe at the Oscars is definitely a moment that doth fit.
RUTH E. CARTER
I need to let you guys know that this woman is a costume designer – for the impressive as FUCK Black Panther, no less – and therefore has a flair for the dramatic, but also what in fresh hell is this – beb this is not a period drama from 1775. Remove at least five things here and then we can talk.
MICHELLE YEOH
If you’re going to do the princessy thing, do it as well as Michelle Yeoh. Go balls to the wall with that shit. Fucken Sparkle Town 2000 it up, or go home. I want to see PAINTED ON GILT AND A TRAIN THAT SPANS METRES OR DO NOT TALK TO ME.
AWKAFINA
Ohhhhh shit is this a LOOK or is this a LOOK!? I for one would love to own a spangly pantsuit with matching purse. I dream of the day. Except in my vision you can see my shoes a bit so I don’t look like I have hovercrafts for feet, and would size up on the jacket – but who fucken cares when you are staring down the barrel of the paps like you’re going to eat critics’ balls for dinner if they even TRY to sass your outfit like Awkafina here? The moral of this story is, you can wear anything and have a myriad of tailoring issues if you also have a very strong stare.
MARK RONSON
Mark Ronson up here looking like a SNACK ON LEGS.
LINDA CARDELLINI
What are you DOING LINDAAAAAA (but also I don’t hate it? Am I OK?)
OCTAVIA SPENCER
I could do without the sparkles here because it looks a) fucking uncomfortable and b) a bit 2001, but hallelujah to the designer/stylist team for actually making a gown that isn’t a glorified sack for someone who is not a size 0. This fits Octavia so well and is super flattering, celebrating her figure rather than trying to smother it. BRA-VO.
REGINA KING
I will forever have an aversion to white heels after religiously wearing some that looked exactly like Regina’s, except with a FOUL kitten heel, every weekend from the years 2005-2007 – but I love the dress, I love the modern ruche (ruch? ROOSH?!) at the hip.
LAURA MARANO
OK look I should hate this, we all should objectively hate this large puffy bow and sorbet-hued dress. But fuck guys, it’s cute. It’s damn cute.
CONSTANCE WU
This is heaven – the colour, the kind of princessy but not TOO princessy cut, I’ll even give the netball ponytail a pass – it’s way too “I’m about to play sport aggressively and not ONE strand may touch my face while I’m zoning out my GA”, and I wish it was a little higher and more formal – but who cares when you look this exceptional in lemon? Not me.
AMANDLA STENBERG
This is ALSO heaven – I’m obsessed with the fringing, it’s exactly what an up-and-comer like Amandla should be repping on the Oscars red carpet. Like don’t be out here in dramatic Givenchy couture stealing the spotlight, but DO wear something cool and interesting to naturally draw some attention.
DANIELLE MACDONALD
How glorious does Our Danielle (she’s an Aussie! She starred in Dumplin‘, a movie that made me cry!) look? This is the right colour red for a red carpet – NEVER go burgundy, then you look like a floating head. Always go the tomato red. Also, if you’re gonna do the throwback-to-the-40s vibe gown, definitely do the matching retro hair. I doubt Danielle can move her head dramatically tonight for fear of misplacing even ONE (1) curl, but she’ll look perfection while rigid, right?
MARIE KONDO
You: “Why is Marie Kondo at the Oscars?”
Me, an intellectual: Obviously they have invited her to sweep away the nobodies because they do not spark joy.
EMILIA CLARKE
I mean, I would like to cancel lilac for a while but there’s nothing offensive about this dress. Besides the fact it’s lilac.
SHANGELA
You know how I said lilac should be cancelled? It absolutely does not apply for Shangela. Shangela can do whatever she fucken wants.
ELSIE FISHER
This teen legend starred in Eighth Grade, a movie I very desperately want to see. She is also clearly taking cues from other teen fashion icon, Millie Bobby Brown, with this EXCEPTIONAL SUIT. I was definitely not this cool at 15. When I was 15, I wore navy blue eyeshadow up to my eyebrows to school formal. So.
BILLY PORTER
BOW. DOWN. TO. BILLY. The best dressed and the show hasn’t even gotten in full swing.
Need a new podcast binge? In Pedestrian’s ‘Decoding The Modern World’, Stacey June tackles the challenges of dating, working and simply existing in 2019.
