Here’s Our Annual Plebeian Read On The Fancy Clothes The Rich Folks Wore To The 2022 Oscars

The carpet has been rolled out and the celebs are all tizzied up to the nines. It’s Oscars day and that can only mean one thing: it’s time to have a squiz at all the stunning (and stunned mullet) looks on the red carpet.

There’s nothing I love more than sitting here in my workout leggings and an old band shirt (it’s Bright Eyes today) while I comb through all the fashions on an awards red carpet. There is no truer joy I get than passing all my judgements on people with shitloads of money making absolutely heinous dress choices.

The Oscars is basically the creme de la creme of the US awards circuit so you just know that people are going to be turning it out as hard as possible on the red carpet. Some of them hit the nail on the head, while others miss the nail completely and look more like a smacked thumb than anything.

So without further ado — let’s get into it, shall we?

All The Glitz & Fizzers From The 2022 Oscars Red Carpet

This year’s red carpet had a lot of hems hitting the floor — in a year where the Miu Miu mini skirt is making a comeback, the fashions on the field were largely floor-length and involved some sort of train.

Our Nicole Kidman was one of at least two gowns with this puff peplum (balloon skirts are coming back in, I bet you). This is a gorgeous shape on Nic, with the sparkle and flair coming through in the train/the long tail of the bow on her back, it seems.

One thing though, and repeat after me: we are not revisiting peplums again. No. This is a one-off and the peplum will NOT happen again.

Where Nicole looked like a goddess carved from grey marble, this is giving… Dorothy The Dinosaur.

I’m so sorry Caitriona Balfe but there’s simply too much going on here — either go the ruffle or the puff. This also would have worked much better as a mid-length skirt, and cinched in with a leg-hugging pencil cut.

Maggie Gyllenhaal will always and forever be a walking masterpiece. This is no exception. The broad square off-shoulder. The figure-hugging bodice drops into a gorgeous dropped floor-length skirt. The gold bits that resembles wax seals or door knockers. I love it all.

TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET SHIRTLESS UNDER A SUBTLE SPARKLY JACKET. I REPEAT: TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET. SHIRTLESS. UNDER A SUBTLE SPARKLY JACKET.

It’s giving me boudoir babe. It’s giving luxuriously rich. It’s giving “no sir I did not poison my wealthy husband for his various riches”. The sparkle throughout edges the line of being a bit ~much~ but Jessica Chastain has really found the balance here. Lilac! In for (northern hemisphere) spring!

Gals, gays, theys and everyone else in their stained trackies on the couch watching the Oscars: Zendaya.

The crop silk dress shirt with the long sequinned skirt is chef’s kiss, and a perfect way to ride the line of new generation Hollywood with old guard awards couture. She cannot do wrong for me.

Kirsten Dunst‘s gown here leans awfully close to looking like the Barbie doll on your nanna’s spare toot paper roll in the bathroom (you know the one). Luckily for Kirsten there’s something about her deeply wholesome energy that allows this to work.

It’s like she’s wearing a bouquet of roses, and I can only assume she naturally brings this gentle floral scent with her everywhere she goes.

Don’t think anyone else could get away with this kind of all-over texture, tbh.

Jesus Christ Megan Thee Stallion is an absolute vision. The fan work in the tail of this gown is beautiful. There are no two ways about it.

The way this gown sits makes Megan look like a mermaid sitting on a rock as waves crash up around her and I wish I could feel like that just once in my pleb life.

WILLIAM EYELASH HOW DARE YOU. At first, I wasn’t so sure about this full ruffle. But you know what, I’ve come around to it. You can definitely sit down and eat a bunch of snacks and nobody could tell! You can hide so many secrets in all those ruffles! Well played, Billie Eilish.

I’m seeing an emerging trend here. The clean blouse with a maxi skirt. Uma Thurman‘s fit here feels like the mum version of Zendaya’s earlier look. Not 100% sold on it, but it’s definitely eye-catching without using the Main Character Energy look.

Look, if men can wear suit shorts on red carpets then Kristen Stewart can wear suit short-shorts and a cropped tux jacket whenever she damn well pleases. It’s dripping in 2000s formal energy and I have no choice but to respect it.

Holy SHIT. Rickey Thompson has aced this. The beading! The shape with the flare trousers! The cape!!!

The only thing I don’t like about this is the fact that the pants look like the Kmart work pants I used to wear to my checkout chick job at Coles in the early 2010s. I wish it matched the fabric of the sleeve and cape. Apart from that, 10s across the board.

I gotta give it to Ariana DeBose on this look. The big cape/coat gives it all the grandeur of being a gown but the comfort of a nice, comfy pair of pants. My chub rub thighs deeply appreciate this approach.

Do wish it was more of a full suit — or just not a slight crop top. Or even a belt! Just a little something more to elevate this look even more.

Those Haim sisters, God love ’em. Things about each of these gowns absolutely scream 2010s year 12 formal, but not in a bad way? Each one is subtle and shows the sisters’ individual style and energy.

I won’t lie though: Danielle Haim definitely looks like the kind of intimidating cool girl I’d see at Hope St Radio on a Sunday afternoon drinking orange wine in that simple black spaghetti strap ‘fit.

God damn, Sebastián Yatra you’re really proving to all the men in flat black penguin suits that you can actually take risks on a red carpet. This light salmon fit is an 80s prom colour blocking dream. More forever, please.

Would it be a red carpet without our favourite chaotic couple, Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker? Of course not. The engaged pair were in slick blacks which looks great on them both.

And while they weren’t wearing “everyone look at us” outfits, they managed to get their attention points about two seconds later by literally licking each other’s tongues in front of the Oscars red carpet.