Australians have long endured slights against us levelled by the bastard United States: Donald Trump hanging up on Malcolm Turnbull, treating Steve Irwin as a curious joke and not the globally adored nature conservationist that he was, the continued existence of Garth Brooks. But few slights are as utterly intolerable as the one perpetrated on this pure, innocent meat pie by an ESPN reporter.
Yesterday we saw the story of how the Philadelphia 76ers have gone so bonkers for Ben Simmons that they’ve started selling Four N Twenty meat pies at home games, bringing a little traditional Australian sporting tucker into yankee arenas.
This partnership, which is the first of its kind for an Aussie pie company, has now caught the attention of US sports reporters, who are scrambling to go hold of the curious and precious pastry mouse mausoleums harder than Matty Dellavedova on a loose ball.
Darren Rovell, of ESPN, got hold of one earlier today, and what he did to the completely innocent baked treat should be considered a war crime.
Be forewarned, this is confronting footage, and not for the weak of constitution.
In the name of the holy Big Kev what the freak is he even doing to that poor pie? Is he segmenting it like a dessert pie? Does he have no respect for our country? What the CHRIST DO YOU MEAN “legit meat“? What were you expecting, a tin of Fosters and a Yahoo Serious trading card?
This is an atrocity. This is an abomination. This is… ah hell, this is something only an insane man inexplicably employed by ESPN can sum up.
*removes glasses* Mark my words: Consequences will be felt, Skip Bayliss.