In preparation for the warmer months, which will hopefully include some time off for you and your kin, we’ve teamed up with Canadian Club Summer Crisp to curate a guide to the sporting events of the Aussie Summer. Meanwhile, in relevant news, Canadian Club Summer Crisp was ‘especially designed for the Australian outdoor lifestyle’. Guys, Canada made a drank for us! May the goodwill between our two great nations continue on for generations to come and may it forever be a relationship based on the enjoyment of refreshing beverages. And so it was; and so it goes; and so it will be.
Now, you can’t spell ‘spectator sport’ without ‘spectator’, which is exactly where you come in; tell me, how are your sports watching plans shaping up so far? Haven’t thought about it? Whether you’re one of those fancy people who can afford to buy tickets and head along in person, potentially with words zinc’d onto your stomach bits, or you’re more about the sport coming to where you are – we’ve got you covered:
7. AUSTRALIAN ROAD WALKING CHAMPIONSHIPS
When: 25th February 2014
Website: www.athletics.com.au
We know what you’re thinking. Really? Walking is an activity I do everyday except Sundays and have zero interest in watching as a “sport” because the only way that could be remotely interesting to me is if there was a novelty league called The Walking Dead and athletes were forced to wear zombie makeup and had to chase a super depressed guy in a cowboy hat.
Well, we’re here to say that the sport of waddling like you’re busting to go the toilet on a trail of hot coals is an excellent spectator sport.
Two things to remember. Racewalking is governed by two rules: 1) participants must appear to have at least one foot planted on the ground at all times and 2) the front leg must straighten from the point of contact with the ground and remain straightened until the body passes directly over it. Honouring these rules creates the distinctive butt-protruding goose waddle we’ve come to know, love and ridicule every four years because, yes, this is a real Olympic sport that people can win gold medals in.
The second thing to note is that this secretly is one of the cruelest sports in the world. Violating one of the golden rules three times in one race results in disqualification, and it is fucking heartbreaking. The most notable example being the 2000 Sydney Olympics when hometown favourite Jane Saville was eliminated in the home stretch of what would have been a gold medal winning race. That shit is depressing. But also strangely compelling, no?
6. THE SANTOS TOUR DOWN UNDER
When: Adelaide 19 – 26 January 2014
Website: www.tourdownunder.com.au
Did you know cycling has one of the highest participation rates of any sport in Australia? I just made that up. But it seems true. The Santos Tour Down Under hits the roads of Adelaide from January 19 – 26 and, since its launch in 1999, has become the biggest cycling race in the Southern Hemisphere and has the appropriate party atmosphere and incredible scenery that you’d want from any major cycling event around the world. Another fun fact, while we’re discussing big things in the Southern Hemisphere: the Goondiwindi roundabout is the largest roundabout in the Southern Hemisphere. Don’t say we never taught you anything.
[Race prep]
5. FORMULA 1
When: 13 – 16 March 2014
Website: www.grandprix.com.au
You really don’t need to be of the opinion that The Fast and The Furious is a good movie franchise (though it obviously is) or play Need For Speed six hours a day to appreciate the automotive thrills, potential spills and Jedi-like reflexes of the Formula 1 Grand Prix at Melbourne’s Albert Park circuit next March.
The opening race of the Formula 1 season is a corker and treats punters not only to a day of dizzying, high octane racing but off-track action like aerial displays by the Royal Australian Air Force. A must if you love technology as much as Kip Dynamite does.
4. SYDNEY TO HOBART YACHT RACE
When: Boxing Day
Website: http://rolexsydneyhobart.com
It’s like The Deadliest Catch but with sexier vessels and rich people. Set over 628 nautical miles of at times harrowing open water (in the 1998 race six sailors lost their lives) the race starts from Sydney Harbour at 1.00pm on Boxing Day, December 26, as it has traditionally done since the inaugural race in 1945. This year excitement levels have surged with the announcement that Pedestrian’s unofficial mascot Karl Stefanovic would be taking to the high seas for his second Sydney to Hobart on board the 100ft supermaxi Perpetual Loyal to help raise money for charity. Here’s to calm seas, smooth sailing and a tight race. You come back to us, Karl.
3. AUSTRALIAN OPEN OF SURFING
When: February 8 – 16 2014
Website: http://australianopenofsurfing.com
Many of the best surfers in the world call Australia home – which also happens to be a land of legendary waves, so launching the Australian Open of Surfing in 2012 was a no-brainer. Launched by Hurley founder Bob Hurley, the nine-day event runs February 8 – 16 and will showcase the world’s best surfers, skaters and music acts – as well as the requisite day-appropriate lager and semi-clothed babes that go hand in hand with this greatest of subcultures. With Penrith kid Mick Fanning hotly tipped (and well on the way) to getting crowned 2013 World Champ – if that incorrigible Floridian dude Kelly Slater doesn’t step on the gas in the next couple of days – it will be a perfect homecoming. Let’s hope Manly kicks up some swell.
2. THE ASHES
When:
Throughout Summer
Website: www.cricket.com.au
It is the greatest cricket rivalry of all time. Its magnificent history has been responsible for fostering a nationally embraced anti-Brit sentiment and a wild enthusiasm for synchronised dress-ups. Yes it’s cricket and cricket can occasionally be dull as teeth, but Ashes cricket isn’t even about the cricket really. It’s about sipping beer in plastic cups, non-ironically worn bucket hats, browsing the paper leisurely in the grandstand with Kerry O’Keefe’s wheezy cackle in your ear. And heckling, my god the heckling! Heckling security guards and English fans and the English players and heck even heckling the Australian players is great when the compulsion arises. Attending Ashes cricket tests is the birthright of every Australian. So go on, claim your birthright. It’s m-a-r-v-e-l-l-o-u-s.
NooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo
1. AUSTRALIAN OPEN
When: 13 – 26 January 2014
Website: www.ausopen.com
Everything you need to know about why the 2014 Australian Open should be at the top of your sporting bucket list next year is contained in this video:
The now infamous near six hour spectacle played out between two of the most dominant tennis players of all time – Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic – ranks by most estimations as one of the most compelling tennis matches played anywhere. Let alone a Grand Slam final between rivals.
That it could happen again if current seeding holds true (Rafa is now #1, Djoker #2) is incentive enough to spend whatever it takes for courtside seats at next year’s finals on the hallowed hardcourt of Rod Laver Arena in Melbourne.
Need some non-tennis reasons? The atmosphere, of course. It suffers not from the boisterousness of the Americans, stuffiness of the English or the overt racism of the French and has quickly established itself as the Grand Slam stop players most look forward to playing because its attendees are colourful, passionate, knowledgeable and unashamedly favour the underdog. You could totally be one of those people!
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