If you think for a second that this particular bloke is gonna be spending a single moment of AFL Grand Final day any more than 10 feet away from a beer tap you can get absolutely stuffed.
As the 44 players throw themselves into battle for the most hotly contested game of the year, so too do I, like many others, throw myself into the most ribald, hell-for-leather, 100% boonta piss-sucking day on the calendar.
And should you choose to hit up one of the many fine establishments that dot this glorious city of Melbourne for footy’s day of days, it’s important to have venue selection at the very forefront of your mind. It’s the first, most important, and quite frankly last decision you’ll be making all day. Getting it wrong is catastrophic.
Lucky for you I have trekked far and wide across the Victorian capital, in an endless pursuit of the perfect footy pub; one where the beer flows colder that a mid-July night, and the atmosphere is hotter than a fourth quarter comeback.
Whilst I have to come across such a cathedral to both footy and frothies, these five come damned close. Should you choose any of them for your Grand Final festivities, you’re gonna have yourself a bang-up time.
THE GROSVENOR HOTEL, ST KILDA
10 Brighton Road, St Kilda East
There’s a bloody good reason why the Grov’ finds itself frequently appearing on “Best Footy Pub” and “People’s Choice” award lists. It’s a pub that’s so utterly dedicated to the sport of Australian rules football that it’s practically got stud marks on its walls.
The pub will be showing the game on seven big screens in four different rooms, and sports shithot food, cheap burgers, a grouse selection of local froths, and is even close enough to St Kilda Botanical Gardens to nick off for a little Halftime Heroes action.
AND OH YEAH. They do this thing where they pour free pots of Cooper’s Pale from the opening bounce until the first point of the game is scored. The last time Sydney and the Western Bulldogs met, that took a whole three minutes. You have no idea how many free pots you can put away in that amount of time.
No. Idea.
THE WHARF HOTEL, NORTHBANK
18-38 Siddeley Street, Melbourne
Keen to cheer on the Doggies in their first Grand Final in 55 years? The Wharf Hotel might as well be Fort Footscray.
The staunchly pro-Bulldogs pub is HQ for supporters in the city, and has often been frequented by past and present players on game days. The scenes at the pub when the mighty Dogs knocked off the Greater Western Sydney Giants in last weekend’s epic Preliminary Final were damn-near euphoric.
The pub is putting up a freaking huge screen right smack on the river, meaning there’s not gonna be a TV in the city that’s got a better view than this one. And there’s ten other screens dotted throughout the joint, so you won’t miss a second when heading to the bar or hanging a slash.
If the Dogs somehow manage to win, the roar from this joint should register on the Richter scale.
THE RISING SUN HOTEL, SOUTH MELBOURNE
2 Raglan Street, South Melbourne
Conversely, if it’s red & white ye favour, you can do no wrong at the Rising Sun in South Melbourne. The Riser has a rich history of association with the club, dating all the way back to when they were the South Melbourne Swans. The pub itself was the closest one to the Bloods’ original suburban home ground the Lake Oval.
Split over two levels, it remains a Swans fortress to this day, and is listed as an official Swans-friendly venue on Sydney’s website (a real thing that actually exists).
They’ll be open from 10am on Saturday, and if you’re keen to stake out your spot I suggest getting in there quick sticks. Maybe nurse an orange juice or two for the first couple of hours in case you don’t want to keel over during the anthem.
THE GREAT NORTHERN HOTEL, CARLTON NORTH
644 Rathdowne Street, Carlton North
A loyal and long-time favourite of myself and my fellow filthy inner-northern suburban types, the GNH checks off all the requirements you could ever want from a footy pub.
Multiple screens? Yep.
Plenty of speakers for max volume? You know it.
Good food? Oooh baby.
Gigantic beer garden? You bloody betcha.
And if all that weren’t enough, the GNH sports one of the most diverse and best tap selections in the city. They even shipped in a massive pallet of the very excellent Lagunitas beer all the way from Northern California just because they could.
Want a little more? The beer garden is DOG FRIENDLY. Either take your wee pooch to Grand Final day with you, or order a bowl of chips and instantly make half a dozen new best mates. It bloody RULES.
THE LONDON TAVERN HOTEL, RICHMOND
238 Lennox Street, Richmond
If you absolutely have to be in the vicinity of the MCG for that authentic Grand Final experience, the London Tavern is your hot tip.
It’s almost literally within spitting distance of the ‘G on the other side of Punt Road; so close you can just about smell the undercooked chippies.
There’s ample room in the beer garden to cop a seat and peak at the giant teles lining the walls, and the inside bar gives off a real neat, old-school small bar vibe, without being terribly cramped.
If you’re serious about getting stuck right into Grand Final day from the moment you get out of bed, the Tav is opening up at 9am, and is slinging up bacon & egg rolls for breakky.
One o’ them little beauties, a big heap of BBQ sauce, and a cheeky breakfast beer? That’s a tick in every box.
Here’s to feeling good all the time!
Happy Grand Final week, gang. See you at the bar!
Photo: The Great Northern Hotel.
