Pro-wrestling. The greatest and most wholly ridiculous thing to ever happen to this stinkhole of a planet. Because it’s the only sport where blood and fierce competition can exist on the same show as a previously-murdered 70s porn cop can rise from the dead and summon an army of giant dick druids to do his bidding.

Strap yourselves in for this yarn. It’s a ride.

This past weekend marked a fairly historic event in the wrestling world: an event by the name of All In.

Ostensibly the largest wrestling show produced and run completely independent of the major wrestling promotions in America and abroad, All In crammed some 10,000-odd black t-shirt wearing mostly-dudes into the Sears Centre Arena in northwestern Chicago to see a murderer’s row of top wrestling talent – the bulk of whom made their name without the assistance of the WWE – perform on the one bill.

Somewhere in amongst it all: The giant dicks of death. The cacophony of cocks. The phalanx of phalluses.

An explanation:

Prior to the event, wrestlers Hangman Page – a member of the dastardly Bullet Club faction – and Joey Ryan – a man capable of suplexing people with his immensely powerful dong – came to blows in a rivalry that wound up with Page murdering Ryan to death with a phone.

Presumably free of the meddlesome dick boy, Page engaged in a wild match at All In with fellow indie mainstay Joey Janela, which Page won.

After the match, however, an ominous dong rang out in the arena and the previously very dead Ryan was res-erected.

Just to reiterate: He flip a man with his dang dick.

And yes, that is an entire crowd of adults chanting “rest in penis” while several giant cocks haul the carcass of a beat down man away.

I cannot stress it highly enough, mates: pro-wrestling whips ass.