In the PEDESTRIAN.TV Slack chat, which is an unholy cesspit of filth, there is a private chat purely for footy and football-related things. It has three members: Myself, and two other members of the editorial staff who shall remain nameless at this juncture. It started innocently enough; a chance to bond with co-workers who share a similar love of the AFL. Quite quickly though it turned into something else entirely, something very sordid indeed. Athletic admiration for the game gave way to animalistic lust; all images of exposed flesh screeched at with otherworldly vaginal howling; a swarming ball of unchecked thirst that I battle valiantly against on a day-to-day basis.
The point I’m trying to make here is that my boss made me write this article and I have not once been horny online, thank you.
So then: Fremantle gun Nat Fyfe has officially lost his challenge at the AFL Tribunal, meaning he will serve a one-game suspension for a reckless hit on Collingwood’s Levi Greenwood, not only ruling him out of this weekend’s clash against Adelaide, but also ruling him out of contention for this year’s Brownlow Medal, which has thrown the betting market into chaos.
Fyfe appeared via video-link late yesterday at the offices of law firm K&L Gates in central Perth, but it wasn’t just the verdict that attracted everyone’s attention.
Fyfe’s impeccable dress sense has sent social media into a spin, after he rocked up to the hearing looking like he stepped straight off the runway in Milan.
— Fremantle Dockers (@freodockers) June 5, 2018
Of course people on Twitter lost their minds over him. Of course they did.
Nat Fyfe has arrived to face the AFL Tribunal and shoot a feature for GQ. pic.twitter.com/RRGHTD2qfX
— Titus O'Reily (@TitusOReily) June 5, 2018
Nat Fyfe should get suspended more often. https://t.co/SeZbiJ4ovb
— Melissa Haase (@melissa_haase) June 5, 2018
Nat Fyfe would treat you so right
— jocelyn (@jocelynseip) June 5, 2018
doing nothing but hitting refresh for more nat fyfe in glasses and a suit content and feeling inappropriate about the things happening inside me while i'm at my work desk hbu
— 13th to 1st ????✨ (@kyliemaslen) June 5, 2018
Would just like to let Nat Fyfe know that I would get him off
Tribunal? What tribunal?
— ya fave florist ???? (@samantor) June 5, 2018
Can Twitter please stop pretending like you love Nat Fyfe more than me? I get it, you love him, but he's mine.
— Matt Nicholls (@mattnicholls29) June 5, 2018
Hold my glasses that’s a nicccceeee…coat Nat Fyfe
— Lauren C (@LozzzaC) June 5, 2018
I wonder whether Nat Fyfe will wear the suit he is wearing tonight on our inevitable wedding day ????
— melissssa (@melly300313) June 5, 2018
Dunno who Nat Fyfe is but after a cursory google image search I have to say: mama likey. Thanks
— kelsie (@Kelsie) June 5, 2018
All these dudes are definitely Not Jealous of Nat Fyfe pic.twitter.com/xOSHAWPD37
— Maybe: Pat Caruana (@patbcaruana) June 5, 2018
Jail. Horny Jail for everyone. Immediately.