It doesn’t matter whether you’re into tennis, hockey, cricket or lawn bowls, only two team sports have ever existed in Australia: AFL( Aussie Rules) and NRL(Rugby League). And with both Grand Finals falling (officially) on the same weekend for the first time in years, the scene is set for a good old fashioned inter-code showdown. But since you’re never going to make the die-hards switch allegiances, we’re settling the score for all those undecided voters out there. Namely, those who don’t care about sport at all. Read on as we pit Rugby League against Aussie Rules in a superficial examination of what makes these codes so great – beyond anything to do with the sport itself.
Crowd/Television Numbers:
This section is a bit of a non-contest. AFL hands down beats Rugby League in crowd numbers, averaging around 36,000 spectators per game compared to NRL’s less-than-impressive 16,000. Unfortunately for the NSW spawned sport, it gets bullied in the telly ratings as well. In the battle of Grand Final ratings, the AFL beat Rugby League by over 700,000 viewers. The NRL chiefs are also jealous ‘n shit because the AFL TV rights went for $1.25 billion, whereas you can televise all the Rugby League you want for a few hundred million.
Winner: AFL
Footballing Identities:
Well, where to start. What this essentially comes down to is a fight-within-a-fight. In one corner we have, the ever irritating Warwick Capper. In the other corner, we have the imaginatively nicknamed John ‘Hoppa’ Hopoate. Okay, Hoppa is a pretty imposing identity, but fighting people in Kings Cross, even when combined with the finger-up-the-bum technique he used to psych out the opposition, just doesn’t compare to what Wazza’s accomplished. Not only did he get kicked off Big Brother for exposing his penis to other housemates, he also entered the adult film industry. Everyone knows you’re no-one without a sex tape; so Warwick took it upon himself to release the 69 minutes of beauty that was Warwick Capper Uncut.
Winner: AFL
Scandals:
Scandals and football go together like. The combination of too much money, too many knocks to the head, and being the biggest/scariest people wherever they go means players from both codes regularly find themselves in sticky situations. Although the Ricky Nixon/St Kilda sex scandal of last year was big news, it pales in significance to what Joel Monaghan got himself into with a teammate’s pet dog. The Canberra player simulating sex with a helpless canine is just about as scandalous as it gets in Australian sport.
Winner: NRL
Player Attractiveness:
After showing photos of players from both codes to the girls around the office, the general consensus is that AFL players have better bodies, whereas League players can appear very bulky and sometimes resemble over-sized midgets. We checked these results with the foremost experts on sexiness, rsvp.com.au (obviously). Our findings were confirmed in a survey conducted by the dating site, which found that AFL players were the most attractive of all Australian sportsmen (including Soccer and Rugby Union). Gay men’s mag DNA concurs, saying “Aussie Rules players have the best bodies in the football world”.
Winner: AFL
Grand Final Entertainment :
This year we have Kelly Clarkson up against the juggernaut that is Meat Loaf. Rugby League opt for the family-friendly approach stating that Clarkson is: “a great fit for the league given the broad support she has. She appeals to 8 to 80-year-olds and a lot of women.” In contrast, Meat Loaf responded to his MCG appointment by saying: “They tried to tell me what to sing. Nobody can tell me what to sing, their dreaming.” Musical tastes are even more subjective than taste in men, so we’re reverting to the most scientific method possible for this one, the who-would-win-in-a-bare-knuckle-fist-fight reasoning. Answer: Meat Loaf.
Winner: AFL
Overall Winner: AFL’s 4 points to NRL’s 1.
It wasn’t even close. If you’re not a sports fan we suggest you watch the ARL grand final over the NRL one. The players are more attractive, the pre-match entertainment is named after a food product and more Australians will be watching it with you.
