The AFL Has Banned Single Players From Going Fuck Wild (Literally) When The Season Restarts

With footy now steadily marching towards its planned June 11th return date and players finally allowed to start training again, AFL officials are moving to impose a very strict set of conditions on players that will be in place throughout the course of the restarted season. Chief among them? There is to be, reportedly, no swanning about like a total root rat in between games.

The league will severely restrict who players can and can’t interact with throughout the season, as part of broader health-related efforts that officials hope will prevent any cases of COVID-19 from popping up among the players.

And while the AFL is allowing players who have young families to interact with them, which includes long-term partners and kids, league bosses have reportedly told players that casual fucking is off the table.

According to various reports, the AFL quietly informed players yesterday to “avoid any irresponsible sexual behaviour” as part of the new return-to-play protocols. So while those loved up players remain free to hop off the good foot and do the bad thing, single players in the league are gonna have to, almost literally, sit on their hands.

Melbourne defender Jake Lever stated that this edict has caused some consternation amongst the solo riders of the league, telling media “The single boys… there has been a few murmurs around that they’re really disappointed, but it’s really important to make sure that the whole industry is really safe.”

Confusingly enough, the AFL later clarified that one night stands are still permitted, but that a series of hook-ups is where the line is being drawn. Which makes about as much sense as the holding the ball rule, but here we are.

The return-to-play protocols dictate that players should remain in their homes at all times wherever possible, a set of guidelines that are much stricter than those currently set for the general public. All players will be tested for COVID-19 twice a week, including one test 24-hours prior to each game.