Apologies to anyone who likes to do the sex in Sydney. It’s hard and not good-hard.

The new Time Out Index found that 71 per cent of its survey respondents think Sydney is a shit place to hook up. It’s not one of those catfish surveys where they ask 5-10 people their thoughts, either. This was the result from almost 30,000 city-dwellers around the world.

Singapore, Stockholm and Porto (Portugal’s second city) all ranked lower than Sydney in the index for getting the fuccs, but regardless, 71 per cent is a pretty big number that lowers the hopes of genitals everywhere. Let’s unpack.

I guess when you’ve got mould stained into the walls you might not want to invite anyone back to do the wild thing on your DIY pallet bed base  – I don’t know. Maybe no one can afford to go outside of their house. Maybe there are just too many damn options on Tinder. Or maybe… it’s because we’re all assholes.

I live in Sydney and I am an asshole. This is something that has been more or less confirmed by the new Time Out Index survey. Out of 53 cities around the world, Sydney was ranked as the third-worst for making new buddies.

Of that number, three-quarters said it was hard or downright impossible to make friends in Sydney. I get it. It’s really hard to be nice when you pay as much rent as we do. And as many episodes of Love Island has taught me, sexy times are sometimes built on friendship first. So we’re all fucked.

More unsurprisingly, Sydney was ranked as having the second-worst nightlife in the world for the second year in a row. Word to your mother. It’s pretty shit when your only option after a certain time is The Star.

It’s a welcome improvement from the dead last position Sydney copped in 2020, making a slight improvement thanks to the lockout law changed in February 2021. But again, good nightlife is a nice contributor to landing hanky panky.

Would you like some good news? Fine. A huge 71 per cent of survey respondents reckon Sydney is “beautiful” and only 11 per cent think Sydney is dirty. If only it was dirty in the way we wanted it to be, hey?

Image: Getty Images / Onne van der Wal