Cosmo Sex Tips are the long-standing joke of the enlightened internet generation.
A recent Reddit thread asked users what terrible advice Cosmo would be dishing out if the magazine was written for men… and the results will surprise you. Just kidding, they won’t. Nothing will surprise you in this monotonous life when everything’s been done before and nothing is original. we are just hurtling on a rock through space at thousands of kilometres per hour trying to find meaning in one another’s genitals.
1. Communication is key. Don’t expect her to know what you like. Describe in detail what your exes did better than her. Show her the videos of your ex doing it. (h/t @dudleymoresbooze)
2. Patience is a virtue. Teach her that she needs to make you want it by trying to have sex with whiskey dick. There’s nothing like forcing wet spaghetti into a keyhole for thirty minutes to make a girl appreciate the value of a BJ. (h/t @dudleymoresbooze)
3. Bargain for more than you want. Tell her you’ve been thinking about having a foursome without her. Pretty soon, a threesome with her is a polite compromise! (h/t @dudleymoresbooze)
4. Confessional orgasming. While she’s going down on you, moan the names of attractive co-workers, friends, and family members. It lets her know that she’s nearly that good looking, and reminds her that she’s the one you’ve chosen out of all of them. (h/t @dudleymoresbooze)
5. Diamonds aren’t always forever. Studies show the most passionate sex a couple will have is their engagement night. Why only do it once? Give her a ring and ask her to marry you. The next morning, explain that you’ve changed your mind. Any time the relationship needs a kick in thy bedroom, do it all over again! (h/t @dudleymoresbooze)
6. Encourage her to get fit! Buy her lingerie that is two sizes too small, then change the label to her actual size. When it doesn’t fit, mumble about how she used to be able to wear that size. She’ll think twice about ordering dessert for months! (h/t @dudleymoresbooze)
7. Everybody wants to be star. Discretely take some nude photos of her, and some video of her in the act if you can manage it. Post them online, but don’t tell her. If you breakup later, send her a link to remind her of the good times you had. (h/t @dudleymoresbooze)
8. If you really want to spice things up in bed, you’ll bring the spice to the bed! Dab a bit of Tabasco on your tongue before going down on her, and she will experience flames of passion like never before!
Bonus tip: This pleasure can go both ways; a bit of hot sauce on the tip of your penis can make penetration powerfully hot! (h/t @Chaosncalculation)
9. A dusting of cayenne pepper powder over the entire bed will leave you rolling in pleasure and heat all night. (h/t @fencerman)
10. Is she not in the mood? Poke her with your penis until she gets the point! (h/t @Cheef_queef)
11. We call this one The Battering Ram. Position your lady spread eagle across the room, begin a slow galloping charge toward her lady bits. (it’s important to pick up speed gradually to enhance the excitement!) Let out your best war cry and invade her castle!! Slam your ram straight into her chamber doors, bonus points for a backdoor siege! With this much power, you don’t need lubrication! (h/t @rrepulsar)
12. One name is great, two names are better! Moan her best friend’s name in her ear. (h/t @AllKindsofCats)
13. She’s kidding when she says “just like that, just like that!!” Take it as your clue to try something new. (h/t @AllKindsofCats)
14. One word: helicopter. (h/t @AllKindsofCats)
15. Does she like sex a little rough? Good, then disrespect her breasts. Spit on them, smack them, give them dirty looks. Ask her questions like, “seriously, that’s all you got?” and “You think you can feed my children with those shitty tits? Get real”. This is guaranteed to make your woman scream. (h/t @wyteshadow)
16. If she blocks you on Facebook, she is tired of only talking to you on the internet and wants you to come over to her home immediately. (h/t @JustWingItOrDont)
18. When going down on a girl, the more slobber the better. Make her feel like there’s a rabid bulldog licking at her clit. If she can still feel your tongue you aren’t using enough spit! (@Cajun_Traiteur)
19. Everybody moans about the “friend zone”, but this is your opportunity to charge the last ten yards! Even if she just wants to be friends, don’t give up – stick around, wait for your opportunity, and strike when that hole opens up in her defence! Seven points! (h/t @Romanticon)
20. Girls always groan about the “dick pic”, but we’ve had shocking revelations published here before (see “Naked Man – amazing results!” on page 63). If you’re in a high-risk, high-reward situation, and you’re out of moves, the dick pic can be a potent icebreaker. Give her a well-posed candid shot of your own icebreaker, and you’ll soon be crushing more than ice cubes, you sexy stud! (h/t @Romanticon)
21. Ginger, in her. Anal isn’t just for fingers and dick. Get ready for a little licking with a flavour enhancer of a freshly peeled ginger root butt plug. Hot to squat. (h/t @cremwell)
23. Taboo for you. Take a shit on her. (h/t @cremwell)
24. Roleplay. Dress up like an SS officer and tie her up under the covers. Fart and then leave her to the sexy gas chamber. (h/t @cremwell)
25. Twice as nice? Why not ask her if her mother or sister can join you? you’ve had a sweet apple why not go back to the orchard. (h/t @cremwell)
IMPORTANT PRO-TIP: Do not do any of these things. It is extremely bad advice.
