While you’re preparing for the “pain with a purpose” that will come from tonight’s Federal Budget, we’ve taken the liberty of helping you ease the sting ever-so-slightly. So, while you still can, stock up your bar, fill your ice bucket, top up your glasses and toss one down the hatch, as the Government tosses the budget down the drain. Here is your official, bona fide, one hundred percent good for what ails ye Federal Budget Drinking Game.
– Finish your flagon every time Joe Hockey (or ANYONE) flags that the “age of entitlement is over.” You’ll be entitled to a fresh drink far quicker this way.
– One enormous mouthful of an aged, meaty dark ale, consumed from a stein made of solid stone, every god damned time the phrase “heavy lifting” is uttered.
– Blood red punch, consumed from a wrung mop, every time somebody refers to cleaning up the mess the previous Government left behind.
– Every time a Government agency is axed, pour one out for your fallen public service homies. There’s going to be a lot of them, so maybe get something cheap to avoid spilling Grange.
– Every time a Government agency is inexplicably combined with another, everyone in the room combines some of their drink into a communal bowl, to be consumed as soon as the budget is completed. It makes zero sense to pool resources in such a manner, because if we all have to sip from the one trough, someone’s bound to get pissed.
– When visiting the bottle shop prior to the budget, put an end to bulk purchasing (much like bulk billing) and buy single stubbies instead of a whole carton. And you should pay $15 each for them too, even though the tag on the shelf said $6.
– Call your people and have all future shipments of Möet re-routed to a drinking haven in the Caymen Islands when the debt levy is finally announced.
– One beer, of decreasing standard and cost, each time an area directly related to you is eviscerated.
– A barrel-aged red, spiked with the tears of dramatic expression, when the Sword of Damocles falls upon the crown of the Arts industry.
– Immediately switch back to a diet consisting solely of goon and mi goreng when the HECS repayment threshold is lowered.
– Upon completion of the Budget, chug everything. We’re serious. Anything and everything you can find. And don’t stop at all. In fact, keep going for as long as you can. Maybe even 12 months. Or at least until you reach a point where all of this just seems like a bad dream.
It’s ok. Everything’s going to be ok. Just relax, take a breath, and suck ’em down like Coca Cola.
Photo: Stefan Postles via Getty Images.