You, Yes You, Are Funnier Than These ‘Top Jokes’ From The Edinburgh Fringe

Exciting news out of the UK this morning: the top 15 award winning jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe are so mind bogglingly unfunny that you, whoever you are, could probably become an award winning international comedian if you wanted. 

The Fringe is, in effect, the biggest comedy festival in the world. UK TV station Dave holds a competition every year for the best joke of the Fringe and, sadly, something has gone astonishingly wrong this year. The jokes aren’t offensive – they’re just, on the face of them, not very funny.

It’s not that the comedians on the list aren’t great comics! Many of them, like festival favourite Zoe Lyons, are hilarious human beings. The jokes chosen for this list, however… Well, we’ll let you be the judge:

1.
“My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart”
– Masai Graham 

2. “Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…”
– Stuart Mitchell  

3. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10”
– Mark Watson  

4. “Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit”
– Mark Smith 

5. “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second”
– Will Duggan  

6. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated”
– Tiff Stevenson  

7. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words”
– Gary Delaney  

8. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor”
– Adele Cliff  

9. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?”
– Annie McGrath 

10. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask”
– Jordan Brookes
 

11. “Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first”
– Michelle Wolf 

12. “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound”
– Roger Swift  

13. “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer”
– Arthur Smith  

14. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses”
– Zoe Lyons  

15. “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word”
– Phil Nicol

Look, maybe we’re just dour, jaded old crumbums, but we scarcely cracked a smile. Except, maybe for that one about Instagram.

If you’re like us though – shocked and saddened by the state of comedy – we encourage you not to get worn down by this list. Rather, take pride and hope. 

You, you there, reading this right now, could go to Edinburgh next year and win “Top Joke of The Fringe”. We believe in you.

You certainly couldn’t do any worse, right?