Apparently Blokes Have Been Pissing Wrong Because Of Course They Can’t Do Anything Right

Will from The Inbetweeners sitting on the toilet

A top urologist reckons blokes aren’t pissing effectively with that whole standup routine. As someone who has had to clean piss off the toilet and floor more times than I can count, I think this man is on to something.

Gerald Collins, a consultant urological surgeon at the Alexandra Hospital in the UK, laid down the facts after YouGov dropped some hard-hitting research about men’s pissing preferences.

According to the global study, the majority of dudes prefer to stand while taking a slash, but the cheeky sit-down club is slowly growing. In Germany, 40 per cent said they take a pew “every time”, while only 10 per cent said they “never” sit down to tinkle.

Australia was the country with the second-highest sit-down rate, with 25 per cent of blokes saying they plant their asses on the seat “every time”. However, 27 per cent said they “never” take the throne, so do with this information what you will. I do not own a Shewee, nor do I have any plans to purchase such a device, thus I can’t relate.

Singapore is not a sit-down nation, with only five per cent of respondents saying they pop a seat “every time”. Mexico was only marginally more accepting of the repeated sit-down at six per cent.

Collins told The Telegraph fellas probably don’t welcome the sit-down because it’s not as convenient as simply pulling thy pants down.

“The bottom line is, if you’re on a golf course, and you need to nip behind a tree, you can get away with doing that,” he said.

“Whereas if you squat and drop your pants, it could be a much more awkward scenario.”

But they should expand their minds to the sheer thrill that is sitting down to piddle, for the position holds more health benefits.

Basically, sitting down allows the muscles in your pelvis and spine to fully relax, thus making it easier and faster for your bladder to rid itself of piss. But these muscles are in use when you stand, so it sort of slows down the process.

“Sitting is probably the most efficient way of doing it,” Collins said.

The sit-down is also beneficial for blokes in their twilight years ‘cos of a condition called benign prostatic hypertrophy — or an enlarged prostate — which is common among older fellas. The condition affects 80 per cent of men in their 80s and can cause problems peeing.

‘Tis mildly ironic considering in Australia, 38 per cent of respondents over the age of 55 said they “never” go pee-pee sitting down, compared to 24 per cent of blokes aged between 18 to 34.

It’s time to embrace the sit-down, I say. Don’t just reserve it for when you need to take a shit, lads. Treat yourself.