Tis the last full day of the Trump Presidency, and King Cheeseburger has reportedly thrown the throttle flat to the floor, far beyond batshit. After addressing a crowd at a deeply strange, self-demanded “Goodbye” event this morning Australian time – at which he delivered a meandering speech containing minimal truth while refusing to even utter the name of his freely and fairly elected successor – US President Donald Trump is now reportedly spending his final day in power issuing as many as 100 Presidential pardons. And among those hopeful of getting one is, would you believe, the Tiger King himself Joe Exotic.
Though the bulk of Trump’s pardons are said to be going to various supporters and hangers on who dirtied their hands to further the President’s grift, Exotic – the focus of the insanely popular Netflix documentary series Tiger King – is also remarkably firming as a likely candidate to be freed with one of Trump’s final Presidential acts.
Lawyers representing Joe Exotic, real name Joseph Maldonado-Passage, reportedly flew to Washington DC and stood in support of Trump’s January 6 rally that subsequently turned into the violent invasion of the US Capitol Building that resulted in the deaths of five people. Prior to travelling, reports claimed that Exotic’s lawyers were bragging of a “high level” meeting that they would be attending while in DC.
Remarkably enough, confidence in securing a pardon for Joe Exotic is so high that his legal team has put a stretch limousine – as well as a hair, makeup, and wardrobe team – on standby in the event that he is able to walk free from prison today.
News cameras caught images of the extremely gaudy limo stationed outside of the offices of Joe Exotic’s legal team in Fort Worth, Texas.
This is the stretch Limo standing by at #JoeExotic Fort Worth Lawyers office. I’m told they’re waiting on a call from the White House confirming the presidential pardon before heading to pick him up at the prison. @CBSDFW pic.twitter.com/1tJzQHefxD
— Ken Molestina (@cbs11ken) January 19, 2021
Legal representatives spearheading to push for Exotic to receive a pardon stated that the hair, makeup, and wardrobe teams were priority number one in the event that he walks free today. “Joe is a very flamboyant person. Joe is a colourful personality,” stated lead lawyer Eric Love. “And if you look at someone when they’ve been incarcerated, they don’t look like that when they’re coming out. So Joe’s got to have that platinum done, and well that’s what we got — hair, wardrobe and makeup. We’ve got the best in the business.”
Joe Exotic is currently one year into a 22-year jail sentence for attempting to hire a hitman to kill rival zookeeper Carole Baskin.
Strange day, mates. Very strange day.