Gaze Upon Trump’s Momentarily Uncovered Scalp, Ye Mighty, And Despair

It is not a crime to be bald. Having bits of scalp on which hair does not grow is not a moral failing, nor is it in any way indicative of your character. It’s not Trump‘s fault that his hair has the same appearance and texture as the mane of a horse with a wasting disease, or that his meticulously practised routine to cover up his baldness doesn’t so much make his hair cover his scalp as it does just make it hard to figure out what’s going on underneath there, like a form of dazzle camouflage. None of this is inherently bad. It does, however, provide a key insight into his particularly strange mind. As writer Eleanor Robertson said, it’s not so much about being unwilling to be seen as bald as it is about refusing to lose to the baldness:

For Trump it’s not about how he looks, which is why he still has his failed comb over despite being worth billions of dollars. It’s that he’s fighting a battle against the concept of male pattern baldness, and against its illegitimate claim to controlling the real estate of his scalp. He’s asserting his moral right to decide what’s on his head, an exercise of power over forces that most of us consider simply the natural flow of existence. Not Trump. He doesn’t care what you think of his hair; he cares what his hair thinks of him. Ultimately, he wants his hair to know who’s boss.

Admitting that he is heavily balding (or even greying) would be to admit defeat, something he couldn’t possibly do. So instead of just shaving his head or getting a wig that actually looks like real human hair, he uses an illegal combination of forbidden science and magic to contort whatever wiry pieces of hair the Lord has seen fit to leave him with into a crude facsimile of a human head of hair. While it might look like garbage, I’m forced to admit it does a relatively good job of saving his scalp from scrutiny, even holding up to a mild savaging from Jimmy Fallon.

Pictured: Assault on Precinct 45.

It appears, though, that Fallon was simply not attacking from the correct angle, as demonstrated by this video of Trump boarding Air Force One as he left Joint Base Andrews to head for Mar-a-Lago. A well-aimed gust of wind does a good job of displacing the hair gathered about the back of his head and reveals a good deal more of his scalp than even his most hair-critical detractors could have predicted.

Nearly everything good on the internet tends to be fake, but, as reporter Ashley Feinberg pointed out, a Getty Images photo from the same moment seems to confirm that the breeze has made the back of his head nigh on hairless.

As does a contemporaneous photo from Reuters:

Mate, just shave it off. It’s fine. Lots of people have shaved heads.