Political Mastermind Tony Abbott Is Holding An 8-Week Campaigning Bootcamp

There is knowledge that is required to be a skilled political operator that you simply cannot acquire at university. Knowing when to eat an onion. Knowing when to fall terrifyingly and conspicuously silent. Knowing when to be just visibly weird as hell. Knowing when to defend your friend, the convicted child sex offender George Pell. Finally, your chance has come to learn this invaluable skills from the master himself, Tony ‘The Lizard’ Abbott.

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Abbott is generously offering up 20 spots in a (very much unpaid) internship program alliteratively titled Battlelines Bootcamp, in which successful candidates will spend 8 weeks hiding the bodies of Tony’s enemies learning the tradecraft of politicking.

From the website:

Politics is a noble calling that is all about improving people’s lives.

And running smart, effective political campaigns is absolutely essential in achieving those lofty aims.

There has never been a more important time to invest in the future of bright, young, upcoming talent – which is why I’m launching the Battlelines Bootcamp.

Battlelines Bootcamp will introduce recruits to best-practice campaign techniques and provide on-the-ground practical campaign training.

Abbott is seeking people with “advanced IT skills” who have “a demonstrated commitment to the values of the Liberal Party“, so if you know how to edit a key in the Windows Registry and are kind of sketchy on brown people moving into your neighbourhood, this could be perfect for you.

While a more civic-minded person would note that getting young people engaged in the political process is how we encourage another generation of healthy, robust democracy, I would, instead, like to make a long, gross fart noise with my mouth.

Abbott is once again up for re-election in the seat of Warringah, which he has held in his Skeksis-like grip since way back in the misty past of 1994. He is already out hitting the streets: