The Pope Got His Ass Kicked By A Furious Popemobile Out For Catholic Blood

Il Papa is in the wars, good folks. Pope Francis finished off his tour of Colombia with a bang and a whimper, as luck would (or wouldn’t have it). The 80-year-old Pontiff scored himself one hell of a shiner after shaping up to his own dang car and coming off second best.

The Pope was riding in his trusty Popemobile through the Colombian port of Cartagena when an errant lean on the vehicle’s waist-high handlebar saw his holy bonce careen into a protective screen, spilling the blood of the head of the Catholic Church and leaving him with a solid shiner.

A quick butterfly strip patch-up later, and with a once pristine white cassock now splattered with the filthy red blood of a mortal, and the Pope was back on his feet and joking with reporters that he had been “punched.”

There’s no word yet on if the clearly possessed Popemobile will feel any Biblical wrath of the Holy Kingdom, or whether this was merely a case of Jesus taking the wheel and playing silly buggers by jamming on the brakes.

But for all the Pope’s shrugging off of the incident, anyone with even the barest hint of pugilistic knowledge will know that that fight’s a cut-and-shut Popemobile win by unanimous decision.

Keep yr hands up next time, Francis. Stick and move.