It’s comforting to know that – despite the global, society-shifting pandemic crisis – some things truly never change. So even though the current conditions are causing wild scenes on the rental market (with an influx of former-short stay properties suddenly flooding the Sydney market causing the average price of new rental listings of houses to drop 5% in the last month alone) it’s comforting to know that you can still get absolutely gouged on an inner-city hellbox if you so wish.

Take, for example, this truly insane apartment listing in Surry Hills, currently carrying a hefty asking price of $380 per week.

Nicely appointed. Modern splashback tiling. Kitchen’s a little compact but you’ll get that in a studio apart- OH WAIT IS THAT A SHITTER IN THE LITERAL KITCHEN?

Yes, for a price that’ll put the average wage earner well below the poverty line, you can claim yourself a square metre or two (no more) of highly sought-after Surry Hills floor space, within spitting distance of Oxford St and the Eastern Distributor. And one that has a clear, unimpeded view of both the shower and the toilet from the couch and the bed. Which is probably gonna be real handy for monitoring how long your certain someone spends mindlessly scrolling Instagram while they lay some cable and not much else.

The full listing asserts that the property sports “polished concrete floor,” “1x double size bed,” “immaculate Italian designer tile bathroom,” “modern kitchen with induction cooking,” “lounge area with wall mounted TV,” and “soundless ceiling fan,” which is a real impressive-sounding set of features that all describe the same single room.

A YouTube video of the listing shows the property in all its oh-god-the-bathroom-is-literally-right-there splendour.

Credit where it’s due here: That tiling is indeed quite lovely, and the exposed copper piping – scalding fucken hot as they may be – gives the bathroom a certain upscale industrial charm.

But again, and I cannot stress this enough here, you’ll be able to maintain unbroken eye contact with a guest sitting on the couch while you honk out a fat turd.

The good news is, if you’re still interested at this stage, the listing is also offering two whole weeks rent-free. Because, y’know, we all have to make concessions in these crazy times.

Image: RealEstate.com.au