It’s AFL Grand Final Day, baby! Footy Christmas is finally here. By the end of today, either the Richmond Tigers or the Adelaide Crows will be hoisting the Premiership Cup, while the losers trudge of the field to face naught but a harsh and intense pre-season.
And while, sure, you could just sip casually whenever you feel like it. You could do that. But what is definitely more fun than that is drinking along to an entirely serious and very arbitrary set of rules that one of our editors put together late on Friday afternoon while half-pissed!
It’s the 2017 AFL Grand Final Drinking Game, folks! Get to sippin’ (responsibly)!
TAKE A DRINK WHEN…
- The Killers take the stage before the game. Stand arm-in-arm with everyone in the room, and OPEN UP YOUR EAGER EYYYYYYES, ‘CAUSE YOU’RE MR. BRIGHTSIDE.
- Brian Taylor‘s various Brian Taylor-isms cut through the ear like a nail-filled rake on a very big chalkboard. Raise one, yell “ORAZIOOOOO FANTASIAAAAA” and consume.
- Any time Daisy Pearce gets a chance to helm broadcasting duties during the day because a) She’s a freakin’ delight, and b) God damn it the AFLW deserves to be there on the day too.
- Any time Cameron Ling not even remotely subtly steers the on-screen conversation towards Geelong and his time as a Geelong player and his experiences playing Premierships for Geelong because did you guys realise he played for Geelong? WHO FUCKING KNEW.
- Dustin Fletcher winds back the clock by torping a 70-metre bomb across the Yarra in the Longest Kick comp in the lead-up to the game. FLETCH YOU BEAUTY.
IF YOU’RE SUPPORTING THE ADELAIDE CROWS, TAKE A DRINK WHEN…
- Eddie Betts adds another one to the highlight reel. Actually, take two. One for the goal. One for the bigness of his dacks, which are prodigious in their bigness.
- Some douchebag Victorian mate of yours looks at you slyly and pronounces it “darnce” or “charnce.” Yeah, good one m8. Real clever.
- Mitch McGovern is shown on-screen. Every Grand Final has a hard luck story. This year, it’s poor old Mitchy. You’ll get there one day, my dude.
- Richmond’s piss-awful clash jerseys elicit a small laugh out of you. Sure, it’s a dick move to gloat about it out loud, but there ain’t no harm in a quiet self-satisfied sip now and then. You’re in the home gear, my dudes. Revel in the fact that you’re not wearing the white numbers.
- An extremely sour Port fan tries to rain on your parade. One delicious drink for you, one heaping of salt for them.
- Sauce Jacobs gets even remotely near it. Sure, this rule’s probably suicidal, but “ON THE SAUCE FOR SAUCE” is too good a line to pass up. Some gags write themselves.
- Your South Australian heart brims at the idea of taking home the choccies, not just because it’s winning the Grand Final, but because you just beat Victoria – the Dirty Big V – and are now taking their cup home to Adelaide, the beautiful city of churches, where it shall be filled with an ice cold Farmer’s Union and sipped upon. Just as the good lord intended.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otd-dfhzaEw
IF YOU’RE SUPPORTING THE RICHMOND TIGERS, TAKE A DRINK WHEN…
- Dustin Martin Don’t Argues someone so deep into the dirt they’ll have to re-scan in through security in order to get back to the field.
- The margin of the game, at any time, reaches 9 points. Not that you’re superstitious or anything, but… y’know… we’re not taking any chances today.
- Any time they show Richo getting maximum fired up and wearing his heart on his sleeve. The great man loves the Tiges more than probably even you. Celebrate him.
- Alex Rance lines up directly on Tex Walker, creating what’s arguably the most classically handsome forward/defender matchup in Grand Final history. Molto benne.
- You get a little prickly over the fact that in your first Grand Final in 35 years you have to wear those god-awful clash jumpers. Like, that Dimma quote about playing in a hessian bag is a good line. And obviously, who cares what you wear; you’re in a bloody Grand Final, after all. But still, the boys look better in black. Fucken thanks a lot, AFL.
- A good Tassie boy gets the ball. Richmond’s got a long history of using Tasmanian players, so raise one for Richo, the Gales, Disco Roach, Ian Stewart, Royce Hart, and all the others by tossing one back every time Jack Riewoldt or North Launceston’s own Toby Nankervis gets a touch. Tassie!
- The final siren sounds and 37 long flag-less years are finally over. Wipe the tears from your eyes, hug the Tigers fan next to you, smash the rest of your beer and get your butt down to Punt Road Oval immediately. YELLOW AND BLACK, BABY.
