All Hail The Montague St Bridge, Which Has Returned To Feed After 224 Days

224 days. TWO-HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FOUR DAYS. That’s how long its been since the beast known as Melbourne’s Montague St Bridge has claimed a victim. It has been dormant. Silent. Defeated. Practically neutered. We laughed – LAUGHED! – at it repeatedly as vehicle after vehicle after vehi-fucken-cle passed through it, safely out of the reach of its ravenous clutches. We thought ourselves safe, protected, forever rid of the blood and truck-thirsty scourge. But we were wrong. Oh my god, so wrong.

After 224 long and peaceful days, it’s back.

Monty’s back, bitches.

And he is starving.

Earlier this afternoon the Montague St Bridge claimed its first victim since June 13th last year, gnawing on a moving van that clearly got drawn in by the bridge’s harrowing siren song. A siren song that echoes loud enough to block out the sound of the truck hitting the clearly marked safety gantries that lie either side of the bridge, because that’s sure as shit gotta be the only way some dumbass moron could possibly not know they’re about to blow out their insurance premiums by turning their truck into a concertina.

VicRoads confirmed the bridge strike a short time ago, noting emergency response teams had scrambled to help salvage what remained of the truck carcass after the flesh-obsessed bridge had had its long-overdue fill.

Loathe as we are to think about it, it’s a reality that we all must confront: The bridge’s long hibernation is over now, and it never gorges on single serves.

Long before any of us could have possibly foreseen, the great Truck Degustation of 2019 has begun, and the appetiser has clearly gone down smooth.


Run, dear friends.